The Goon Show: The Mysterious Punch-up-the-Conker



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[Dramatic link]

Seagoon:


I called an all night meeting, but held it in the day because the light was better.

Omnes:


[Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb...]

Seagoon:


Now gentlemen, where is the head of the river police?

Grams:


[Kersplosh!]

Little Jim:

He's fallen in da-water.

Seagoon:


Thank you sir Lawrence. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm of the opinion that the heir to the Spon fortune and the puch up the conker, are one and the same person.

Officer:


How can two people be one person sir?

Seagoon:


It's all done under cover of darkness. Therefore, I'll telephone a notice all people showing signs of darkness will be searched!

Ray Ellington:

I object!

Seagoon:


Silence Ellington. Give us the ol' calypso banana boat song while we slip round the back for the ol' mild and brandy there.

Grams:


[Footsteps running away]

Ray Ellington and his Quartet:



[Musical interlude: ”'The Banana Boat Song”]

Orchestra:



[Dramatic chord]

30's Hern Detective:

Midnight, twelve thirty. Entire London police force now wearing Moriarty nose protectors. Inspector Seagoon checks on all police posts buburl fnarl in de hern furl.

Grams:


[Big Ben chimes three, ends with a wound down bell chime; cheery British bobby whistles]

Seagoon:


Evening, Doxon of Dick Green. Anything to report?

Constable Doxon:

Ahhhhhhh, ahhhhh, yes... Ahh... I was ahhhh ahhhh.........

FX:


[Thud]

Seagoon:


Good heavens! He's collapsed in the direction of pavement. Just as I thought...

Constable Doxon:

Awwhh...

Seagoon:


...The constable's nose protector has been severely dented...

Constable Doxon:

Oiks...

Seagoon:


...And, there's a finger print of a boxing glove on it. Quick! Give him some air. Undo the buttons on his boots.

Constable Doxon:

Awwwhhh, I want to be buried with my socks on. I'm...[corpses]

Seagoon:


Here you are you poor man. Swallow this bottle of smelling salts.

Constable Doxon:



[Gulp]

Seagoon:


Steady now. Just sit in the direction of up and tell me what happened.

Constable Doxon:

I felt alright sir, until some idiot made me swallow a bottle of smelling salts sir.

Seagoon:


Quick Sergeant, after him!

Sergeant:



[Undecipherable shouting after the culprit]

Milligan:



[Cracks up]

Seagoon:


Now Bowser, when I arrived here, you were lying in the gutter, why?

Constable Doxon:

I was off duty sir.

Seagoon:


I trust it's different when you are on duty?

Constable Doxon:

Oh yes sir. Then I lie on the pavement.

Seagoon:


That's better.

Constable Doxon:

It is.

FX:


[Telephone rings and is picked up]

Seagoon:


Hello. What? Yes! Bowser, great news.

Constable Doxon:

Yeowwhh...

Seagoon:


A leather omnibus has been discovered grieviously injured.

Constable Doxon:

Yeowwhh.

Seagoon:


It collided with a lead tricycle on the roof of the Kensington Science Museum.

Orchestra:



[Three chord dramatic link]

Seagoon:


Gentlemen, the mystery assailant is now immobilised. There's only one place he can get a new leather omnibus.

Constable Doxon:

Where?

Seagoon:


Men! Surround Crun's factory. And wear your nose protectors.

Policemen:





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