The Goon Show: The Mysterious Punch-up-the-Conker



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[Backstage, giggling quietly]

Seagoon:


Let me see.

Milligan:



[Backstage, corpsing badly!]

Seagoon:


Hm! There's only one entry. We'll have to go in there! Ha ha ha! Ha ha, ahem! Dear listeners. Up a narrow street. In a broad road. Which ran through a long narrow lane. In a quaint... [sings] ...Old fashioned town!

Grytpype:

You'll starve.

Seagoon:


We saw a small green door.

Greenslade:

We now reveal for the very first time exactly what is going on behind that green door.

Minnie Bannister (singing):

Green door, yatta bumdebum... Greeen dooor, bwarck bwarck... [making chicken noises] green do-or... Ooooohh...

Henry Crun:

Min, Min... I can't concentrate on the brown leather when you keep singing the green door you know.

Minnie Bannister:

Aww, you gotta get modern Henry.

Henry Crun (shouts):

Modern!

Minnie Bannister:

Modern.

Henry Crun:

I am modern Min! I am known as 'Modern Crun'!

Minnie Bannister:

That's a messy [??indecipherable??]

Henry Crun:

You think that because I don't sing rhythm-type melodies, that I'm a corny. Well you asked for this.

Minnie Bannister:

What's this? He's losing it! He's losing it!

Henry Crun:

You asked for it..!

Minnie Bannister:

Awwww...

Henry Crun:

I'm going to sing moderrrrrn!

Minnie Bannister:

Well, I'll put my corsets on.

Henry Crun:



[Taps his foot in rhythm] One two three four! [sings] Midda watchayacollum, whatcha doing tonight, yeahhh! Taroo, I hope your in the mood becos I'm afeelin' alright... Ohhh go man go....etc etc.

Orchestra:



[High hat crash]

Henry Crun:

There, Min! Let that be a lesson to you.

Minnie Bannister:

Awww dear, dear.

Henry Crun:

You and your Dan Leno school of rhythm. [Pauses for laughs] Now let us get back to the leather omnibus.

Minnie Bannister:

We never seem to sell any.

Henry Crun:

I know, I can't understand it, you know. We make the finest leather omnibuses in the world.

FX:


[Penguin sounds]

Henry Crun:

Min, Min, the the penguin wants to go out.

Minnie Bannister:

Awww, then then. I tell you what Henry. We want to sell more of these modern leather rhythm omnibuses. We should do more modern American advertising-type advertising.

Henry Crun:

We can't get more modern than we are already, Min.

Minnie Bannister:

What do you mean Henry? Uryeurrhhhh!

Henry Crun:

We've got a gaslit poster in the gents wash up and brush up in Piccadilly Tube, you know.

Minnie Bannister:

I bet that's been marked for life by now.

Henry Crun:

We must... Keep production rolling Min.

Minnie Bannister:

Yes.

Henry Crun:



Help me lace up this leather engine.

Minnie Bannister:

Mind the piston rods now.

FX:


[Shop doorbell rings, door opens]

Seagoon:


Good morning!

Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister:



[Shrieks of surprise]

Minnie Bannister:

What is it, what is it. A morning...

Henry Crun:

Min!

Minnie Bannister:



A welsh driver. What is it?

Henry Crun:

It's a gent customer direct from the Piccadilly wash and brush up. [sings] Midda watchayacollum, whatcha doing tonight, yeahhh!

Seagoon:


So that's what happened to Harry Roy? Now sir, I'm from the police department.

Henry Crun:

nnNMMMMnnnnyooiiii!

Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister:





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