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I must apologize. I'm just not myself this week. Unfortunately, several people have called up and complimented me for that very reason.

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. --Romans 6:23

Look at the land with your own eyes, since you are not going to cross this Jordan. But commission Joshua, and encourage and strengthen him, for he will lead this people across and will cause them to inherit the land that you will see. — Deuteronomy 3:27b-28

Drowsy Driver Awareness Day

Childhelp National Day of Hope

National Walking Day

Paraprofessional Appreciation Day

Teflon Day

Whole Grain Sampling Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide

International Beaver Day

International Snailpapers Day

Metric System Day

National Alcohol Screening Day

National Beer Day

No Housework Day (known here as Wednesday!)

International Roma Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

Trading Cards For Grown-Ups Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 09

National Cherish An Antique Day

National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day

Appomattox Day

Jenkins Ear Day

Jump Day

Slow Art Day

Winston Churchill Day

Salvation Army Founders’ Day

Safety Pin Day
MONDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day

International “Louie Louie” Day

National Teach Children To Save Day

International Day of Human Space Flight

National Licorice Day

• 
  Actor (Skinner on “The X-Files”) Mitch Pileggi, 64 (audio clip)
  
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  actress (Death at a Funeral, “Wish Me Luck”) Jane Asher 70
  
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  Actor (“Barney Miller's” Det. Stanley "Wojo" Wojohowicz) Max Gail, 73 (audio clip)
  
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  Actor (“Law & Order's” Asst. D.A. Ben Stone) Michael Moriarty, 75 (audio clip)
  

Grey household dust consists mostly of sloughed-off human skin cells. Although humans are of different color, the pigments are found below the layer that generates the outer layer of dead skin. Dry skin is a translucent grey color, and consequently, so is the dust. There is no other color in it because the blood vessels are much deeper down and they are not lost as the skin grows.

Research shows people who swear more have bigger vocabularies than those who opt for an expletive-free life. In fact, those who were more confident using swear words were also more articulate in other areas of language use.  *** But ironically, their expanded vocabulary only included words with four letters.  

Is the anti-obesity message finally getting through?  A marked drop in the obesity rate among preschoolers in the U.S. has researchers and parents pointing to a variety of possible factors.  ***MARLAR: First and foremost – paying for your mandatory healthcare leaves no money to shop for food.  

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant, Sully the Aardvark, and some of the other jungle animals decided to all get together and take advantage of a rare occurrence in the jungle… a heavy wind. Nozzles suggested getting together at the beach to go sailing, but he had to stop by the bookstore first…

… he didn't hide in the bathroom or luggage area -- he latched onto the landing gear of the plane. Authorities said the man, whom they did not name, had scrambled undetected onto the forward tire of the aircraft shortly before the Berlin-bound plane took off and hauled himself into the gear shaft. The pilot was unable to retract the gear and decided to abort the flight and return to Munich. Meanwhile, the stowaway managed to survive the 23-minute flight by holding onto the landing gear of a Boeing 737. He was taken to hospital suffering from hypothermia. ***MARLAR: And you thought flying coach was bad!

A patron at the I Don't Care Bar & Grill evidently didn't care about leaving until it was way past closing time and the door was locked. The man, whose name was not released, told police in western Kentucky that he fell asleep inside the bar and when he got up to leave he set off the alarm.  Hopkinsville, Ky., police officers arrived a few minutes before 3 a.m. Friday to find him still locked inside the establishment and unable to find a way out. So they helped him leave the bar. No one was arrested. Evidently it's not a crime to be left behind after closing time at I Don't Care.

What do you have at your house that's broken, but you're keeping it anyway?

1. Cherophobia is the fear of 70's pop singers. (False - it's the fear of laughing yourself to death.)

A grocery store in South Australia says paranormal detectives are investigating a ghost who likes flinging Fruit Roll-Ups.

Brompton IGA store owner Norm Hurst says he turned to his surveillance footage after finding a box of the fruit snacks laying in an aisle, about six meters from its original location, after he had locked up shop.

‘The previous owners told me it was haunted,’ Mr Hurst told Adelaide Now. ‘I thought, ‘yeah, whatever.’ But since we’ve owned the place, strange things have happened.’

Mr Hurst watched the CCTV footage and says he was shocked by what he saw.

‘One of the cameras shows the packet of Roll-Ups just arriving on the ground,’ he told the Herald Sun. ‘It has not just slid off, it has been thrown out of the pasta, yet, the Roll-Ups are kept 12 metres away.’

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"
JOKE #2

While replacing some roof tiles, Marty fell from a ladder. His ankle broken, he called out for help - and his neighbor's four-year-old came to his side. "Don't worry," she said, disappearing into her house. Minutes later she returned in her nurse's outfit, carrying a medical bag. 

Lisa’s employment search preoccupied her family for months. One day her husband told their three boys that to make things easier for mom, he had a list of jobs for them. They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"

 "Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?" "Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say." "Well then, I'm going to milk the cat!"

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward. "Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week. "I don't know what you mean," replied the second. "It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
JOKE #3

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One young man, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant.

"Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

A new survey in the aftermath of April 1st reveals that 98.5% of people think workplace practical jokes are important for company morale. ***MARLAR: The remaining 1.5% are tired of having "kick me" signs stuck to their backs.

...A man drinking Brazilian coffee out of an English cup while sitting on Danish furniture after coming in a German car from an Italian Movie, then picks up his Japanese ball point pen and writes a letter to his Congressman that something must be done about the American economy.

Unfortunately they never intended to be quite so generous at the pumps. At closing, an employee mistakenly entered the price of a gallon of gasoline as 32.9 cents instead of $3.29. He left about 10 p.m., but drivers could still use their credit cards to buy gas. Word of the bargain spread fast and 42 drivers sucked out 586 gallons in an hour and 45 minutes. When police saw the lines and chaos they called the store manager who ran down to the store and pushed the emergency stop.

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God. And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example-to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.

I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that will not share this prayer with others. I pray for those that don't believe. But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers, for each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes, that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

I always knew that disobedience has consequences, but it came home to me forcibly in basic training during World War II. I had traveled beyond the distance allowed on my weekend pass to be with my wife Ginny, and I returned to camp late because the train had broken down. I paid for my rule-breaking—20 hours of extra duty washing pots and pans!

King Saul also learned the high cost of disobedience. He faced the prospect of fighting a huge well-equipped Philistine army with his small band of frightened and untrained followers. While waiting for Samuel to come and offer a sacrifice before going to battle, Saul became impatient and offered the sacrifice himself, even though he knew that God had given that right only to the priests. It was a costly mistake.

Saul had begun his reign with humility and compassion, and he gave God the credit (1 Samuel 11). And the prophet Samuel told him that God would have kept the kingship in his family if he had obeyed God's command (13:13-14). But that one act of disobedience changed the course of his life. From that point on, it was a sad downhill journey.

Never forget that disobedience has consequences. And some of them may be very costly. —Herb Vander Lugt
O help me, Lord, to be afraid
Of disobedient ways;
And may I seek what pleases You,
What gives You highest praise. —Sper
The way of obedience is the only way of blessing.

LEFTOVERS

McSNOOPY

Could Snoopy signal the demise of education in China?

McDonald's outlets in a southern Chinese city could face fines of $1,200-$12,000 after a Snoopy doll promotion turned violent. Dwindling supplies of the Snoopy doll triggered a run on the Chinese McDonalds outlets, resulting in fist fights among customers and a smashed window at one location. As if that is not bad enough, it turns out that the 34 outlets in China weren’t even licensed to sell the toy. The violation is punishable under Chinese law by a fine of anywhere between $1,200 and $12,000.  And now parents are complaining that their children's education is on the line. Why? Because disappointed students trying to collect the full set of Peanuts dolls (and cannot get the Snoopy doll now) are too upset to continue studying. ***MARLAR: So much for China being tops in the world for education.  Their kids can’t study because they don't have a Snoopy doll.

A study out of Germany shows that people are more likely to remember something if they eat immediately after learning it. The study says that the human body stores memories by activating hormones. These are the very same hormones that are released during digestion. ***MARLAR: Which explains why I always remember during mealtime that I love dessert!

1 Cup whole pecans

1 teaspoon vinegar

3 egg whites

pinch salt

1 Cup sugar

zipper baggy

wooden spoon

tape

Bible
How to Make an Easter Impression (as well as cookies):

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  Preheat oven to 300 degrees (this is important - don't wait until you're half done with the recipe).
  
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  Place pecans in zipper baggy and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. (Read John 19:1-3)
  
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  Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink (Read John 19:28-30)
  
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  Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life. (Read John 10:10-11)
  
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  Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. (Read Luke 23:27)
  
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  So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 Cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loved us. He wants us to know and belong to him. (Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16)
  
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  Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. (Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3)
  
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  Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheets. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid. (Read Matt. 27: 57-60).
  
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  Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven "OFF". Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. (Read Matthew 27:65-66)
  
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  GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. (Read John 16:20-22)
  
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  On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. (Read Matthew 28:1-9)
  

California's Elwood "Woody" Norris has invented just a system. His prototype involves a square aluminum frequency emitter hooked up to a CD player. By pointing the piece of aluminum at a person, they hear what's playing in the CD player. The so-called HyperSonic Sound system has won Woody the $500,000 annual Lemelson-MIT Prize. It works by sending a focused beam of sound above the range of human hearing. When it lands on you, it seems like sound is coming from inside your head. No word yet on when this may wind up in our homes.  ***MARLAR: I’m hearing voices!  I’m hearing voices in my head telling me to… to… to save big money at Menards!

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  You look really good in yellow.
  
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  You look even better in a bunny suit.
  
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  You absolutely love the movie, The Ten Commandments.
  
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  Any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all that bad.
  
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  You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
  
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  It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
  

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  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
  
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  I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
  
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  She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
  
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  A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  
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  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  
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  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  
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  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  
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  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  
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  A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  
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  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
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  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
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  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
  
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  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  
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  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  
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  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  
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  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  
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  A backward poet writes inverse.
  
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  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  
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  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  
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  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
  
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  A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
  
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  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,'Dam!'
  
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  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  
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  Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
  
• 
  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  
• 
  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  

...Here are 10 “super foods” that can boost your immune system, your brain function, even give you a youthful glow. No prescription needed, and no pesky side effects – just dig in.

1. 
   Tomatoes. The generous amounts of the antioxidant lycopene in tomatoes help skin maintain its youthfulness, and may reduce the risk of developing heart disease, as well as several cancers, including breast, lung, and colon.
   
2. 
   Fish Oily fish. (such as salmon, sardines, and mackerel) are packed with omega-3 fatty acids that fight inflammation. They also lower blood pressure &  decrease triglyceride levels.
   
3. 
   Nuts. Like fatty fish, nuts are high in omega-3s, and are great for the heart and the brain. Many studies have shown that nuts lower LDL ("bad") cholesterol, reduce the risk of developing blood clots, and improve the lining of arteries.
   
4. 
   Broccoli. All cruciferous vegetables, which include broccoli, cabbage, kale, Brussels sprouts, and cauliflower, contain cancer-fighting phytochemicals.
   
5. 
   Grapes. Rich in an antioxidant called resveratrol that is an anti-inflammatory and anti-coagulant, red grapes have been shown to extend the life span of test animals. Grapes contain several other powerful nutrients that keep cancer at bay.
   
6. 
   Berries. Blueberries, raspberries, and other deeply colored berries contain phytochemicals known as flavonoids. These antioxidants have been shown to improve brain function and slow the growth of some cancers.
   
7. 
   Tea. Green and white teas contain large amounts of EGCG, an antioxidant linked to a lower risk of heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, and numerous types of cancer.
   
8. 
   Cranberries. Researchers at the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania found that drinking three glasses of cranberry juice daily for a month significantly raised HDL ("good") cholesterol by 10 percent and lowered the risk of heart disease by 40 percent. Cranberries contain phytochemicals that have been found to block cancerous tumors.
   
9. 
   Garlic. Garlic contains allium compounds, which keep carcinogens from entering cells. According to studies, garlic — as well as onions, leeks, and chives — lowers the risk of stomach and colon cancer.
   
10. 
    Chocolate. Studies suggest that antioxidant-rich chocolate has a low dose aspirin-like effect that could help prevent both heart attacks and strokes, lower blood pressure, and improve blood flow.
    

Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed at work? Burned out? Here are seven signs that you're burned out at work 

1. You’re overly cynical. 

2. You want to run away. 

3. You’re messing up normally easy tasks. 

4. You’re always tired. 

5. You’re always disgruntled. 

6. You’re doubting yourself. 

7. You’re sick all the time.

Learn more about the signs… and how to fix them!

Here at the end of the show things really get boring.  The show is so dead right now, there's a buzzard on the window sill.

"Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth."  - Robert Orben

  

APRIL 01, 2016…

 

Collide---With a title like this, you would think it would be a meteor movie, instead, Nicholas Hoult stars in a story of trying to escape from the mob. A robbery goes awry and Anthony Hopkins, as a crime boss, is after him.  Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Felicity Jones.  “Collide” is rated R. No rating.

 

Amityville: The Awakening---This is supposed to be a restart of the famed horror film series about residents who live in a haunted house, again, and again. Sigh. The stars are Bella Thorne and Jennifer Jason Leigh. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everyone Wants Some (opening in select cities)---1980’s college baseball is just about what you would expect, with girls, games and school time.  Stars include Blake Jenner, Wyatt Russell and Ryan Guzman. (Do the last names of these young stars look familiar?) “Everyone Wants Some” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Pandemic (opening in select cities)--- Another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. This one has a young, female doctor (Rachel Nichols) locked in a lab trying to find a cure. The original title was "Viral." "Pandemic” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hunt For The Wilder People (opening in select cities)---Sam Neill stars as a crotchety New Zealander who, with his wife, takes in a foster child and tries to give him a home. Other stars are Julian Dannebon and Rachel House. “Hunt For The Wilder People” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Meet The Blacks---This comedic movie has Mike Epps and his family (with the last name of Black) winning big and leaving Chicago for Beverly Hills.. The cast includes George Lopez, Mike Tyson and Perez Hilton. “Meet The Blacks” is rated R. No rating.

 

Miles Ahead---This is  a bio-pic of the late jazz musician, Miles Davis.  Don Cheadle stars as Davis with Ewan McGregor as the Rolling Stone reporter, Dave Brill, who is trying to get an interview with Davis. We see the ups and downs of Miles Davis life. “Miles Ahead” is rated R. Rating of 2 for jazz fans.

 

APRIL 08, 2016…

 

Before I Wake has a family dealing with a child’s nightmare’s that come true. Stars Kate Bosworth.

 

The Boss is a Melissa McCarthy comedy movie in which is she is a business leader who goes to prison.

 

Demolition has Jake Gyllenhaal in a break-down after a tragedy and trying to rebuild his life.

 

Mr. Right is a study of manic-depression and stars Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick.

 

Term Life has Vince Vaughn in a comedy about a bank robber.

# # # # #

 

WARNING: Don't believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there - nyah!)