those nasty Romans used to poke Jesus in the side on the original Good
Friday was buried beneath the church (St. Pete’s) in Antioch. Bless
Ray’s heart, he believed that poor servant. Bishop Addie was less
believe peasants when they say they have had mystical experiences. I
think it might be that like guys who become cops -- wanting to make the
world good and safe -- get burned out and become cynical, so do church
folk. They remove themselves from the very urge which put them in there
in the first place. Maybe not. Forgive that aside. I just had this
Anyway, Bishop Addie sat on his hands about this until a priest
approached him. The priest essentially told him the same thing (this
time probably in Latin which makes everything sound good.) Addie
decided to believe and gave the go ahead for a small church renovation
project. Put up the cones and ropes and watch your step!
On June 14th, the Crusaders saw a meteor fall on the Moslem camp. It
seemed like a good omen: God throwing fireballs and all. So, the very
next day a group of diggers headed for St. Pete’s. Count Ray was there,
of course Pete Bartholomew, and a historian Ray of Aguilers. I am sure
they brought some other guys to help with the heavy work. And it was
heavy work, and hot, and nasty. People took turns. Count Ray got tired
and left. Pete Bartholomew jumped into the hole and in a few seconds he
gave a yell. He had found the lance. Who would have doubted it would be
Pete? Ray Aguilers said he witnessed it still being in the ground. So
there, you doubters!
this but knew when to keep quiet. Whatever the case, the Crusaders
knew that they had better get a move on soon. The Moslems were rumored
to be in disarray. The Crusaders were running out of Ding-Dongs and Big
Macs. Those horses were starting to look like barbecue material. The
Euro-dudes set the date of going out and doing something as June
When the day came, they duct taped the Holy Lance to a pole at the head
of the army. Kerbogha was in the middle of a very disagreeable staff
meeting when word came that the Crusaders were looking fine and in
line. Turkish Moslems decided that there’s no place like home and
split. When Dukak (great Klingon name) of Damascus trucked, every
home boy had business elsewhere.
Moslem camp but they were on a "Holy Mission." Instead they ran the
fleeing Turks down and got medieval on their buttocks. Many a Turk
saw Allah that day, June 28, 1098, The Battle of the Lance.
Suffice it to say that Charlemagne supposedly carried into battle.
Adolph Hitler supposedly took the same from a museum in Austria. It got
returned after WW II. And if it hasn’t been lost, stolen, or sold, it
is there to this day.
What have we learned from this? Meteors are good omens for some but bad
for others? Bishops are more likely to believe priests than peasants? I
like to think that it does not matter so much if something is "big R"
Real as it does that people think it is.
From: "j'lynn yeates"
Subject: ANST - Musing on June 26th Oh Ricky, You're So Fine (Part II)
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 13:43:49 -0500
the politics straight ... pure headache material
Elizabeth Woodville, the beautiful widow of a rather common knight.
Eddie’s brother George Duke of Clarence married Warwick’s elder
daughter, Isabel, and Eddie was hacked. No consideration there for
Eddie embarrassing Warwick on his mission to France. Ricky is now
Duke of Gloucester.
surfing and found himself allied with Maggie of Anjou, the Xena of the
Lancastrians, and her son Edward Lancaster. What is worse, Warwick
talked his new son-in-law George Duke of Clarence into switching sides
and deserting his brothers. Warwick even married up his other daughter,
the lovely Anne, to Edward Lancaster to seal the deal. Warwick tried to
bring Ricky over but Ricky stayed loyal to his brother Eddie. Good
You have to hand it to Warwick, he did things right. He came back
across the channel and kicked York butt. Eddie and Ricky fled off to
Burgundy. Warwick sprang Hank VI, the old king, from the slammer and
set him up as king. Admittedly we do not know if Hank VI even knew he
had been deposed for awhile.
knows that burgundy is fairly sweet anyway. I once tried drinking
Canada Dry and almost drowned. Eddie and Ricky came back and beat on
old Warwick. George Clarence switched sides, again. Surprised?
Meanwhile Warwick and Edward Lancaster (married to Anne Warwick) got
themselves acutely and chronically deceased. By 1471 Eddie was back
in the saddle for good.
It seemed important to make sure the Lancasters stayed down so Eddie
ordered Hank VI to see his primary care physician at a special York
HMO. Hank expired of “natural causes” – over abundance of iron I
hear. Shed a tear.
named him Eddie (as in Eddie V). Later on they had another son whom
they dubbed Ricky York (after his uncle); aw.
Ricky asked his brother Eddie’s permission to marry the widow Anne.
Anne was pretty darned rich being one of the heirs of Warwick and the
Neville’s fortune. George claimed he was Anne’s protector. Somehow
Eddie never trusted George again after those trips across the channel.
Ricky got to marry his childhood sweetheart, Anne. I know, you saw
Richard III and think that Anne was some helpless pawn in the clutches
of the ruthless Ricky. Maybe that is true but they did know each
other pretty darned well..
he had obtained some evidence that Eddie and Lizzie’s wedding wasn’t
legit. He was “discreetly” showing this evidence to
one-person-at-a-time. Eddie arrested George and was going to quietly
try him for treason. Ricky actually pleaded for his brother’s life.
Lizzie’s kin were very hacked at George, of course, and at Ricky for
muddying up a perfectly good lynching. In 1478, just after Isabel’s
death, Eddie did the right thing by his bride and had George see that
doctor of his.
Not much happened in the next few years until 1483. Richard and Anne
lived sweetly together in their childhood home. All was cool and the
kingdom prospered. Of course in April 1483, Eddie IV died. In his will
he named Ricky to be guardian of Eddie V and protector of the realm.
Lizzie’s folk, the Woodvilles, worried about being sent back to the
trailer courts decided to just take care of little Eddie V themselves.
Ricky got wind of it, drove down to London and grabbed the boy from
suddenly surfaced. Seems that Edward IV was really already betrothed
and could not have legitimately married Lizzie. Whoops! That makes
Eddie V and Ricky York born on the wrong side of the tapestry, so to
speak. While embarrassing, that did mean that the only one with claim
to the throne was Ricky. He took over with the wishes of Parliament
and the people of England. Mostly.
Two years does not seem like a long time for anything. Ricky III got to
be king only for two short years. On August 22, 1485 the last Lancaster
Henry (VII) Tudor’s forces met Ricky III at the battle of Bosworth
Field. Remember the “a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse” scene?
Hank Tudor only won because the Stanleys betrayed Ricky at the last
minute. Ricky III perished himself there. Hank did not even fight in
the battle. Coward!
Tudor was from an illegitimate line, himself, but he did win that
battle, sort of. Who killed those two sons of Eddie IV? It may well
have been Ricky but it may have also been Hank Tudor. With all this
legitimizing of bastard kids, Eddie’s kids were much better claimants
to the throne. For that matter, there were at least ten others with
better claim to the throne. Somehow those folks all died, must have
been in the same HMO, within a few years of Hank VII’s ascension.
eldest daughter, Lizzie York. From this line we get Hank VIII, a
pleasant guy who had some dysfunctional marriages, and his daughter
Lizzie I, the Virgin Queen. Gee whiz, Shakespeare was writing about the
time of Lizzie’s reign. Isn’t it interesting that Ricky III, the guy
killed by Lizzie’s grandfather, was portrayed as such a bad guy?
Hunchback and everything. History is a bit confused as to if Ricky was
deformed but it made great theatre. Look what Disney did with Victor
So ends the War of the Roses and the short reign of Ricky III. Hero,
villain, or just this guy? You decide. What have we learned with all
of this? You might be careful of channel surfing when someone else is
trying to watch? Following your uncle’s advice might not be so hot?
Some bastards shouldn’t be king but some wind up being one anyway?
Marrying your childhood sweetheart is worth the wait? Write flattering
things about your patron’s family? I don’t know, I think I’ll stick
with “History is written by the winners.”
Al Pacino deconstructing “Richard III.” Wynona Rider, you were luscious
as Anne. I would stab myself if you asked it, too. Kevin Spacey was
very deep and crafty as Buckingham. The whole thing is worth owning.
Buy a copy and give it to you local theatre group.
As always, forward to whomever but keep my name and email on it.
Maybe Wynona will want to get in touch.
Subject: ANST - Musing on June 29 -- Wrasslin' with Saracens
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 23:45:48 -0500
theologian, Raymond Lully (Lull or Lulle) went to heaven while trying
to convert the Moors over in Tunis. Ray was born somewhere between 1232
and 1236 in Majorca, Spain. He was a smart-aleck poet who hung-out at
the court of King Jim of Aragon where his dad was seneschal (sort of
master of ceremonies & head waiter.) Suddenly Ray left court and
became a hermit. This gets good.
The story is that Ray was courting, against her will, the very married
Donna Ambrosia Eleanora Di Castello. Isn’t that a great name! Ambrosia
Eleanora, wow! Ray was following a tad closely. Okay, he was stalking
her. She could not sneeze without Ray saying "God bless you!" He wrote
her some very hot verses which had a somewhat different effect than he
thought. Ambrosia sent Ray a note to come meet her in private. Ray was
there before the ink was dry. Ambrosia told him that since he had
written such torrid verses about her beauty, he should see more of
them. Stop there for a moment, dear reader. Think. What is going to
happen next? The dear and virtuous "Lady A" drew aside her garments and
revealed one side of her body which had been nearly eaten away by
cancer. Needless to say, Ray had an epiphany. Epiphany, you know, like
when you realize that Certs is a candy mint and a breath mint? Ray went
and lived in a hut on a hill for six years after that. Later he
hooked up with the Order of St. Francis
Ray developed a passion which was ultimately to lead to his death: the
urge to convert Moslems to Catholicism. He studied Arabic, founded a
school in Majorca to teach Arabic and Chaldean especially to those
heading to the Holy Land. God had given him a mission: to get himself
all buffed up to go theologically wrestle with the heathen across the
He invented a computer of sorts, a mechanical contrivance, a logical
machine, he called the "Ars Generalis Ultima" or the "Ars Magna." This
machine was to prove or disprove logical arguments thus putting
philosophy majors out of a job and causing attendance at coffee houses
to plummet. He spent a good deal of time tinkering with this and wrote
extensively about it. Obviously this proto-computer nerd was not
dating very much.
alchemy and the secret of transmuting and multiplying metals. Now, I
know you probably think that anyone who tells you they can turn lead
into gold is most likely out to steal your chickens. Brethren and
cistern, you are probably right.
A small word about the science of alchemy. You alchemists just hush up
and go stir something, okay? There are really at least two types of
this operation: lead into gold, I mean. The first is what you are
thinking – give me some lead and I will presto-change-o make it into
gold. That is the outer work. The inner work is the transmutation of
the lead in your heart to gold. Spiritual stuff, right? Ray claimed
and demonstrated that he could do the first. You decide for yourself.
I wasn’t there.
and Robert the Bruce, king of Scotland. Eddie promised Ray that if
Ray would only make some gold for him, Eddie would go whomp up on the
Moslems. Ray was overjoyed, as you can imagine. Ray got assigned some
rooms in the Tower of London where he converted fifty thousand pounds
weight of quicksilver (mercury), lead, and tin into pure gold. This
was, in turn, coined into six million nobles, each worth about three
pounds sterling (in 1928). Shoot! I don’t know how much money that
would be today but I would bet Darva Conger (sp?) would want to date
Of course, Eddie did not use the gold for any such crusade. Ray figured
out that he was only a bird in a gilded cage and doggone it! he had
supply the gilding. Ray did send instructions up to Bob the Bruce on
how to do the lead into gold thing. There is no record about anyone up
there doing it, though. As Ray was sneaking out of London, or leaving
with discretion as I like to think of it, he cursed Eddie. Said that he
hoped nothing good would come to him. Probably even wished him
"Personal Growth." Folks, that is a might nasty curse. It ranks up
there with the Chinese "May you live in interesting times." Don’t go
wishing Personal Growth on anyone unless you are prepared to weather
it yourself. Mirror spells are all the rage these days.
the Saracens – and his death in 1315. He went to Egypt, they were
amused; Jerusalem, they were less than receptive; and finally Tunis.
When I say he got stoned, understand this was a bummer of a head rush.
Ray got to go ask God "Why?" and the Saracens probably were sorry
later. We don’t know.
church figured that Ray was too involved with mixing theology and
mysticism and should just be forgotten. Sigh. Ray did write over 300
books. Wonder if Stephen King is close?
because you might catch one? Beware of Moslems offering to get you
stoned? Kings might say one thing but...? No, we already did that
number. How about computer nerds wind up making all the gold?
Subject: ANST - Musing on June 30 -- Stick and stones will break my whatevers
Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2000 16:10:34 -0500
From: Ellsworth Weaver [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Saturday, July 01, 2000 02:35
On this date June 30, three major things happened. One occurred in
1520 in Mexico, one in 1559 in France and one in 1908 in Siberia. I
know, I normally do not talk about things as recent as 1908 but it
all fits together somehow. Maybe.
them) World in 1492 or so. The first place they colonized was Cuba.
The Spaniards were intent on bringing enlightenment and slavery to the
natives and gold back home to Spain. Seemed fair to them. You have to
remember that the Spaniards had been paying a heavy price to fight
the Moors they had so recently kicked out of their country. Those
Americans were infidels as well. So it figures they should have to
pay for their conversion.
died instead of picking cotton, digging gold, burping babies.
Governor Diego de Velazquez de Cuellar decided that there were hardier
stock folk on the mainland and sent expeditions out of Cuba to bring back
slaves, gold, and Big Macs. Henry de Cordoba went to the Yucatan in
1517. John Boy de Grijalva went to Veracruz where he heard about some
folk called Aztecs.
The third expedition, led by Hernan Cortez, managed to conquer these
Aztecs in less than three years. He landed in what is now Veracruz
with 11 ships, about 600 men, 16 horses, and a few very light cannon.
Strangely enough, some of the Americans were sick of the Aztecs and
decided that the Spanish were an improvement. See what comes from
remote management: heartache! These disgruntled Americans walked
beside Cortez and showed him the way to Tenochtitlan (what the Americans
called it before the Spaniards taught them it is Mexico) arriving in
November 1519. It was pretty cool that the Aztec priests led by their
ruler Montezuma II had been having visions of the god Quetzalcoatl as
a white dude coming across the sea. Hey, their visions were right on
Aztecs had breastplates and woven underarmor which could stop
anything except a very close direct hit by a bullet. They had swords
made out of wood – just like the SCA – but the edges had obsidian
embedded in them. Diaz, a historian of the expedition said he saw
one of these composite swords cut a horse’s head off. Think of the
amount of strapping and duct tape you would have to put on that to
make it safe for tourneys! OSHA would not allow it, that is for sure.
Obsidian spear points so sharp you could shave with them. And Cortez
had, what? 600 guys in his whole army. All it would have taken is
for each Aztec to pick up one rock each and heave it at a Spaniard.
The Spaniards under Cortez especially were trying to be diplomatic.
Okay, stealthy. They were not allowed by Cortez to rape or plunder.
Really. Montezuma and his people set no store in gold. They used it
for funerary offerings but that was about it. Montezuma gave gold freely
when the Spaniards told him that it was the only thing they could
eat. Crafty Spaniards. The Aztecs offered gifts that were hot items to
them: feathers, special sandals like Montezuma wore, even incense
made from the ambassador’s own blood. High culture stuff which the
Spaniards just could not relate to.
The falling out came over religion. The Spaniards insisted on having
a cross and a statue of Mary on the holiest of grounds. The Aztecs let
them. But the Spaniards started dissing the Aztec gods and ancestors
of the king.
that date, known as "la noche triste" (the night of sadness),
Montezuma and the boys did a Popeye and said "We’ve had all we can
stands and we can’t stands no more!" Maybe they got wise that Cortez
was not exactly a god. They broke into the holy place, set fire to
the cross. No one ever found out what happened to the statue of Mary.
They generally raised heck and beat on the Spaniards and their Indian
allies. Cortez decided to vacation somewhere cooler. The following
summer, however, the Europeans, accompanied by thousands of Indian
mercenaries, sacked and besieged Tenochtitlan. Their capital in ruins
and their emperor dead, the Aztecs finally collapsed. Cortez named
his conquest New Spain and sent out expeditions to set up Spanish
"cultural centers" over the continent. Pedro de Alvarado conquered
(1523-24) the regions of Guatemala and El Salvador, which together
then constituted much of Central America. The Native American population
dropped from approximately 11 million to under 1 million in less than 20
On this date in 1559, king Henry II of France had a tourney-related
injury. A wooden shaft of a lance splintered on impact and the sharp
pointy-thingy went right through his visor. Ouch! It entered his eye.
He died in agony 10 days later. Test question time: who was Hank II’s
grieving widow? Do you remember from the other day? If you said Kate
de Medici, you are absolutely right. Those of you who guessed Isabella
Adjani were off by a generation. Isabella played her daughter
Margaret de Valois. This untimely end (he was only 40) of a French
monarch led to the banning of all such jousts. No second amendment
for these guys (pronouced "gise")! Tourneys were a way for knights not
otherwise engaged in war to go around the country looking studly,
challenging the locals, and picking up prize money. Well, that had to
stop, right then. End of an era. Sniff.
1908, Siberia. Cue the X-Files music. Something happened in a region
known as Tunguska. Something knocked the trees down. Not one or two
but hundreds of square miles of huge trees tossed down. To this day no
one knows exactly why. It is in a very remote area of Siberia. Mosquitos
as big as horses, bogs as deep as the horse manure I generate. Anyway,
something went boom. Loudly. Was it a mini-black hole? A meteor