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those nasty Romans used to poke Jesus in the side on the original Good

Friday was buried beneath the church (St. Pete’s) in Antioch. Bless

Ray’s heart, he believed that poor servant. Bishop Addie was less

Than enthusiastic.

You know that is the role of the established clergy, after all: not to

believe peasants when they say they have had mystical experiences. I

think it might be that like guys who become cops -- wanting to make the

world good and safe -- get burned out and become cynical, so do church

folk. They remove themselves from the very urge which put them in there

in the first place. Maybe not. Forgive that aside. I just had this

Anyway, Bishop Addie sat on his hands about this until a priest

approached him. The priest essentially told him the same thing (this

time probably in Latin which makes everything sound good.) Addie

decided to believe and gave the go ahead for a small church renovation

project. Put up the cones and ropes and watch your step!
On June 14th, the Crusaders saw a meteor fall on the Moslem camp. It

seemed like a good omen: God throwing fireballs and all. So, the very

next day a group of diggers headed for St. Pete’s. Count Ray was there,

of course Pete Bartholomew, and a historian Ray of Aguilers. I am sure

they brought some other guys to help with the heavy work. And it was

heavy work, and hot, and nasty. People took turns. Count Ray got tired

and left. Pete Bartholomew jumped into the hole and in a few seconds he

gave a yell. He had found the lance. Who would have doubted it would be

Pete? Ray Aguilers said he witnessed it still being in the ground. So

there, you doubters!

Everyone was jazzed. Okay, Bishop Addie still did not believe any of

this but knew when to keep quiet. Whatever the case, the Crusaders

knew that they had better get a move on soon. The Moslems were rumored

to be in disarray. The Crusaders were running out of Ding-Dongs and Big

Macs. Those horses were starting to look like barbecue material. The

Euro-dudes set the date of going out and doing something as June

When the day came, they duct taped the Holy Lance to a pole at the head

of the army. Kerbogha was in the middle of a very disagreeable staff

meeting when word came that the Crusaders were looking fine and in

line. Turkish Moslems decided that there’s no place like home and

split. When Dukak (great Klingon name) of Damascus trucked, every

home boy had business elsewhere.

The Crusaders normally would have just pillaged and raped there at the

Moslem camp but they were on a "Holy Mission." Instead they ran the

fleeing Turks down and got medieval on their buttocks. Many a Turk

saw Allah that day, June 28, 1098, The Battle of the Lance.

You might ask "What happened to the Lance then?" That is a long story.

Suffice it to say that Charlemagne supposedly carried into battle.

Adolph Hitler supposedly took the same from a museum in Austria. It got

returned after WW II. And if it hasn’t been lost, stolen, or sold, it

is there to this day.
What have we learned from this? Meteors are good omens for some but bad

for others? Bishops are more likely to believe priests than peasants? I

like to think that it does not matter so much if something is "big R"

Real as it does that people think it is.

From: "j'lynn yeates"


Subject: ANST - Musing on June 26th Oh Ricky, You're So Fine (Part II)

Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 13:43:49 -0500

2of2 from Sir B. put them together, read in depth, and try to keep

the politics straight ... pure headache material


Dear Folk,

Thank you for your patience.
Where were we then? Ah yes, Eddie IV was on the throne, now married to

Elizabeth Woodville, the beautiful widow of a rather common knight.

Eddie’s brother George Duke of Clarence married Warwick’s elder

daughter, Isabel, and Eddie was hacked. No consideration there for

Eddie embarrassing Warwick on his mission to France. Ricky is now

Duke of Gloucester.

Warwick was very peeved at Eddie. In 1469 Warwick did a little channel

surfing and found himself allied with Maggie of Anjou, the Xena of the

Lancastrians, and her son Edward Lancaster. What is worse, Warwick

talked his new son-in-law George Duke of Clarence into switching sides

and deserting his brothers. Warwick even married up his other daughter,

the lovely Anne, to Edward Lancaster to seal the deal. Warwick tried to

bring Ricky over but Ricky stayed loyal to his brother Eddie. Good

You have to hand it to Warwick, he did things right. He came back

across the channel and kicked York butt. Eddie and Ricky fled off to

Burgundy. Warwick sprang Hank VI, the old king, from the slammer and

set him up as king. Admittedly we do not know if Hank VI even knew he

had been deposed for awhile.

Eddie and Ricky did not just sit there drinking Burgundy dry. Everyone

knows that burgundy is fairly sweet anyway. I once tried drinking

Canada Dry and almost drowned. Eddie and Ricky came back and beat on

old Warwick. George Clarence switched sides, again. Surprised?

Meanwhile Warwick and Edward Lancaster (married to Anne Warwick) got

themselves acutely and chronically deceased. By 1471 Eddie was back

in the saddle for good.
It seemed important to make sure the Lancasters stayed down so Eddie

ordered Hank VI to see his primary care physician at a special York

HMO. Hank expired of “natural causes” – over abundance of iron I

hear. Shed a tear.

During the unpleasantness, Lizzie went off and had a son by Eddie. They

named him Eddie (as in Eddie V). Later on they had another son whom

they dubbed Ricky York (after his uncle); aw.
Ricky asked his brother Eddie’s permission to marry the widow Anne.

Anne was pretty darned rich being one of the heirs of Warwick and the

Neville’s fortune. George claimed he was Anne’s protector. Somehow

Eddie never trusted George again after those trips across the channel.

Ricky got to marry his childhood sweetheart, Anne. I know, you saw

Richard III and think that Anne was some helpless pawn in the clutches

of the ruthless Ricky. Maybe that is true but they did know each

other pretty darned well..

George somehow was not smart. One of the words on the street was that

he had obtained some evidence that Eddie and Lizzie’s wedding wasn’t

legit. He was “discreetly” showing this evidence to

one-person-at-a-time. Eddie arrested George and was going to quietly

try him for treason. Ricky actually pleaded for his brother’s life.

Lizzie’s kin were very hacked at George, of course, and at Ricky for

muddying up a perfectly good lynching. In 1478, just after Isabel’s

death, Eddie did the right thing by his bride and had George see that

doctor of his.
Not much happened in the next few years until 1483. Richard and Anne

lived sweetly together in their childhood home. All was cool and the

kingdom prospered. Of course in April 1483, Eddie IV died. In his will

he named Ricky to be guardian of Eddie V and protector of the realm.

Lizzie’s folk, the Woodvilles, worried about being sent back to the

trailer courts decided to just take care of little Eddie V themselves.

Ricky got wind of it, drove down to London and grabbed the boy from

those yokels.

Then within a week that evidence that George had gotten hold of

suddenly surfaced. Seems that Edward IV was really already betrothed

and could not have legitimately married Lizzie. Whoops! That makes

Eddie V and Ricky York born on the wrong side of the tapestry, so to

speak. While embarrassing, that did mean that the only one with claim

to the throne was Ricky. He took over with the wishes of Parliament

and the people of England. Mostly.
Two years does not seem like a long time for anything. Ricky III got to

be king only for two short years. On August 22, 1485 the last Lancaster

Henry (VII) Tudor’s forces met Ricky III at the battle of Bosworth

Field. Remember the “a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse” scene?

Hank Tudor only won because the Stanleys betrayed Ricky at the last

minute. Ricky III perished himself there. Hank did not even fight in

the battle. Coward!
Tudor was from an illegitimate line, himself, but he did win that

battle, sort of. Who killed those two sons of Eddie IV? It may well

have been Ricky but it may have also been Hank Tudor. With all this

legitimizing of bastard kids, Eddie’s kids were much better claimants

to the throne. For that matter, there were at least ten others with

better claim to the throne. Somehow those folks all died, must have

been in the same HMO, within a few years of Hank VII’s ascension.

Puzzling evidence.

Hank tried to look a little more presentable by marrying Eddie IV’s

eldest daughter, Lizzie York. From this line we get Hank VIII, a

pleasant guy who had some dysfunctional marriages, and his daughter

Lizzie I, the Virgin Queen. Gee whiz, Shakespeare was writing about the

time of Lizzie’s reign. Isn’t it interesting that Ricky III, the guy

killed by Lizzie’s grandfather, was portrayed as such a bad guy?

Hunchback and everything. History is a bit confused as to if Ricky was

deformed but it made great theatre. Look what Disney did with Victor

So ends the War of the Roses and the short reign of Ricky III. Hero,

villain, or just this guy? You decide. What have we learned with all

of this? You might be careful of channel surfing when someone else is

trying to watch? Following your uncle’s advice might not be so hot?

Some bastards shouldn’t be king but some wind up being one anyway?

Marrying your childhood sweetheart is worth the wait? Write flattering

things about your patron’s family? I don’t know, I think I’ll stick

with “History is written by the winners.”

And yes, “Looking for Richard” is simply wonderful. Go rent it and see

Al Pacino deconstructing “Richard III.” Wynona Rider, you were luscious

as Anne. I would stab myself if you asked it, too. Kevin Spacey was

very deep and crafty as Buckingham. The whole thing is worth owning.

Buy a copy and give it to you local theatre group.
As always, forward to whomever but keep my name and email on it.

Maybe Wynona will want to get in touch.

Go out and do something historical,


From: "j'lynn yeates"


Subject: ANST - Musing on June 29 -- Wrasslin' with Saracens

Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 23:45:48 -0500

Sir B's daily musing tends to the alchemical ....

Dear Folk,

On June 29, 1315, the "Doctor Illuminatus", philosopher, poet, and

theologian, Raymond Lully (Lull or Lulle) went to heaven while trying

to convert the Moors over in Tunis. Ray was born somewhere between 1232

and 1236 in Majorca, Spain. He was a smart-aleck poet who hung-out at

the court of King Jim of Aragon where his dad was seneschal (sort of

master of ceremonies & head waiter.) Suddenly Ray left court and

became a hermit. This gets good.
The story is that Ray was courting, against her will, the very married

Donna Ambrosia Eleanora Di Castello. Isn’t that a great name! Ambrosia

Eleanora, wow! Ray was following a tad closely. Okay, he was stalking

her. She could not sneeze without Ray saying "God bless you!" He wrote

her some very hot verses which had a somewhat different effect than he

thought. Ambrosia sent Ray a note to come meet her in private. Ray was

there before the ink was dry. Ambrosia told him that since he had

written such torrid verses about her beauty, he should see more of

them. Stop there for a moment, dear reader. Think. What is going to

happen next? The dear and virtuous "Lady A" drew aside her garments and

revealed one side of her body which had been nearly eaten away by

cancer. Needless to say, Ray had an epiphany. Epiphany, you know, like

when you realize that Certs is a candy mint and a breath mint? Ray went

and lived in a hut on a hill for six years after that. Later he

hooked up with the Order of St. Francis
Ray developed a passion which was ultimately to lead to his death: the

urge to convert Moslems to Catholicism. He studied Arabic, founded a

school in Majorca to teach Arabic and Chaldean especially to those

heading to the Holy Land. God had given him a mission: to get himself

all buffed up to go theologically wrestle with the heathen across the

He invented a computer of sorts, a mechanical contrivance, a logical

machine, he called the "Ars Generalis Ultima" or the "Ars Magna." This

machine was to prove or disprove logical arguments thus putting

philosophy majors out of a job and causing attendance at coffee houses

to plummet. He spent a good deal of time tinkering with this and wrote

extensively about it. Obviously this proto-computer nerd was not

dating very much.

Ray ran into an alchemist named Arnold of Villa Nova. Arnie taught Ray

alchemy and the secret of transmuting and multiplying metals. Now, I

know you probably think that anyone who tells you they can turn lead

into gold is most likely out to steal your chickens. Brethren and

cistern, you are probably right.
A small word about the science of alchemy. You alchemists just hush up

and go stir something, okay? There are really at least two types of

this operation: lead into gold, I mean. The first is what you are

thinking – give me some lead and I will presto-change-o make it into

gold. That is the outer work. The inner work is the transmutation of

the lead in your heart to gold. Spiritual stuff, right? Ray claimed

and demonstrated that he could do the first. You decide for yourself.

I wasn’t there.

Okay, alchemists can rejoin the party.
Ray received summons from Eddie II -- remember him and his bad end –

and Robert the Bruce, king of Scotland. Eddie promised Ray that if

Ray would only make some gold for him, Eddie would go whomp up on the

Moslems. Ray was overjoyed, as you can imagine. Ray got assigned some

rooms in the Tower of London where he converted fifty thousand pounds

weight of quicksilver (mercury), lead, and tin into pure gold. This

was, in turn, coined into six million nobles, each worth about three

pounds sterling (in 1928). Shoot! I don’t know how much money that

would be today but I would bet Darva Conger (sp?) would want to date

Of course, Eddie did not use the gold for any such crusade. Ray figured

out that he was only a bird in a gilded cage and doggone it! he had

supply the gilding. Ray did send instructions up to Bob the Bruce on

how to do the lead into gold thing. There is no record about anyone up

there doing it, though. As Ray was sneaking out of London, or leaving

with discretion as I like to think of it, he cursed Eddie. Said that he

hoped nothing good would come to him. Probably even wished him

"Personal Growth." Folks, that is a might nasty curse. It ranks up

there with the Chinese "May you live in interesting times." Don’t go

wishing Personal Growth on anyone unless you are prepared to weather

it yourself. Mirror spells are all the rage these days.

Anyway, Ray sailed off to meet with his true calling – wrasslin’ with

the Saracens – and his death in 1315. He went to Egypt, they were

amused; Jerusalem, they were less than receptive; and finally Tunis.

When I say he got stoned, understand this was a bummer of a head rush.

Ray got to go ask God "Why?" and the Saracens probably were sorry

later. We don’t know.

There was a movement afoot to have Ray made a saint. The Catholic

church figured that Ray was too involved with mixing theology and

mysticism and should just be forgotten. Sigh. Ray did write over 300

books. Wonder if Stephen King is close?

What is the point of all of this? Don’t chase after cars (or ladies)

because you might catch one? Beware of Moslems offering to get you

stoned? Kings might say one thing but...? No, we already did that

number. How about computer nerds wind up making all the gold?

Subject: ANST - Musing on June 30 -- Stick and stones will break my whatevers

Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2000 16:10:34 -0500

From: "j'lynn yeates"


- -----Original Message-----

From: Ellsworth Weaver []

Sent: Saturday, July 01, 2000 02:35
Dear Folk,
On this date June 30, three major things happened. One occurred in

1520 in Mexico, one in 1559 in France and one in 1908 in Siberia. I

know, I normally do not talk about things as recent as 1908 but it

all fits together somehow. Maybe.

Let’s talk about 1520 Mexico. The Spaniards had landed in the New (to

them) World in 1492 or so. The first place they colonized was Cuba.

The Spaniards were intent on bringing enlightenment and slavery to the

natives and gold back home to Spain. Seemed fair to them. You have to

remember that the Spaniards had been paying a heavy price to fight

the Moors they had so recently kicked out of their country. Those

Americans were infidels as well. So it figures they should have to

pay for their conversion.

The Americans did not take well to slavery. They inconveniently just

died instead of picking cotton, digging gold, burping babies.

Governor Diego de Velazquez de Cuellar decided that there were hardier

stock folk on the mainland and sent expeditions out of Cuba to bring back

slaves, gold, and Big Macs. Henry de Cordoba went to the Yucatan in

1517. John Boy de Grijalva went to Veracruz where he heard about some

folk called Aztecs.
The third expedition, led by Hernan Cortez, managed to conquer these

Aztecs in less than three years. He landed in what is now Veracruz

with 11 ships, about 600 men, 16 horses, and a few very light cannon.

Strangely enough, some of the Americans were sick of the Aztecs and

decided that the Spanish were an improvement. See what comes from

remote management: heartache! These disgruntled Americans walked

beside Cortez and showed him the way to Tenochtitlan (what the Americans

called it before the Spaniards taught them it is Mexico) arriving in

November 1519. It was pretty cool that the Aztec priests led by their

ruler Montezuma II had been having visions of the god Quetzalcoatl as

a white dude coming across the sea. Hey, their visions were right on

the money.

Some folk say that the Spaniards led in technology. I disagree. The

Aztecs had breastplates and woven underarmor which could stop

anything except a very close direct hit by a bullet. They had swords

made out of wood – just like the SCA – but the edges had obsidian

embedded in them. Diaz, a historian of the expedition said he saw

one of these composite swords cut a horse’s head off. Think of the

amount of strapping and duct tape you would have to put on that to

make it safe for tourneys! OSHA would not allow it, that is for sure.

Obsidian spear points so sharp you could shave with them. And Cortez

had, what? 600 guys in his whole army. All it would have taken is

for each Aztec to pick up one rock each and heave it at a Spaniard.
The Spaniards under Cortez especially were trying to be diplomatic.

Okay, stealthy. They were not allowed by Cortez to rape or plunder.

Really. Montezuma and his people set no store in gold. They used it

for funerary offerings but that was about it. Montezuma gave gold freely

when the Spaniards told him that it was the only thing they could

eat. Crafty Spaniards. The Aztecs offered gifts that were hot items to

them: feathers, special sandals like Montezuma wore, even incense

made from the ambassador’s own blood. High culture stuff which the

Spaniards just could not relate to.
The falling out came over religion. The Spaniards insisted on having

a cross and a statue of Mary on the holiest of grounds. The Aztecs let

them. But the Spaniards started dissing the Aztec gods and ancestors

of the king.

On the night of June 30-July 1, 1520, you knew I was getting back to

that date, known as "la noche triste" (the night of sadness),

Montezuma and the boys did a Popeye and said "We’ve had all we can

stands and we can’t stands no more!" Maybe they got wise that Cortez

was not exactly a god. They broke into the holy place, set fire to

the cross. No one ever found out what happened to the statue of Mary.

They generally raised heck and beat on the Spaniards and their Indian

allies. Cortez decided to vacation somewhere cooler. The following

summer, however, the Europeans, accompanied by thousands of Indian

mercenaries, sacked and besieged Tenochtitlan. Their capital in ruins

and their emperor dead, the Aztecs finally collapsed. Cortez named

his conquest New Spain and sent out expeditions to set up Spanish

"cultural centers" over the continent. Pedro de Alvarado conquered

(1523-24) the regions of Guatemala and El Salvador, which together

then constituted much of Central America. The Native American population

dropped from approximately 11 million to under 1 million in less than 20

On this date in 1559, king Henry II of France had a tourney-related

injury. A wooden shaft of a lance splintered on impact and the sharp

pointy-thingy went right through his visor. Ouch! It entered his eye.

He died in agony 10 days later. Test question time: who was Hank II’s

grieving widow? Do you remember from the other day? If you said Kate

de Medici, you are absolutely right. Those of you who guessed Isabella

Adjani were off by a generation. Isabella played her daughter

Margaret de Valois. This untimely end (he was only 40) of a French

monarch led to the banning of all such jousts. No second amendment

for these guys (pronouced "gise")! Tourneys were a way for knights not

otherwise engaged in war to go around the country looking studly,

challenging the locals, and picking up prize money. Well, that had to

stop, right then. End of an era. Sniff.
1908, Siberia. Cue the X-Files music. Something happened in a region

known as Tunguska. Something knocked the trees down. Not one or two

but hundreds of square miles of huge trees tossed down. To this day no

one knows exactly why. It is in a very remote area of Siberia. Mosquitos

as big as horses, bogs as deep as the horse manure I generate. Anyway,

something went boom. Loudly. Was it a mini-black hole? A meteor

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