I know I flunked the history test

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CAST. Two players, KAREN and HEIDI.

AT RISE. KAREN and HEIDI enter. Each carries a file folder.
KAREN: I can't look. It's too painful.

HEIDI: Well, I'm looking. (She opens her folder and lets out whoop of delight.) I got an A! That means I'll get an A history for the semester.

KAREN: (Glumly) Congratulations.

HEIDI: I hoped I might. I really studied for this one.

KAREN: I'll probably be grounded for the rest of the month.

HEIDI: Why? What did you do?

KAREN: I failed the final history test.

HEIDI: How do you know? You haven't looked yet.

KAREN: There's an F inside this folder. A big, red F.

HEIDI: But you studied, too, didn't you?

KAREN: What good would it do to study? I never get good grades in history. There's something wrong with my memory.

HEIDI: Even if you didn't study for the test, I doubt if you failed it. You came to class every day. You must remember something.

KAREN: I think my memory problem comes from eating too much turkey. There's some kind of an enzyme in turkey that makes you stupid.

HEIDI: Where in the world did you hear that?

KAREN: Did you ever hear of a smart turkey? They're the most stupid creatures you can imagine.

HEIDI: The Pilgrims ate a lot of turkey, and they were smart enough to find America.

KAREN: They ate the turkey after they got here.

HEIDI: Forget about the turkey and look at your grade.

KAREN: I never took such a hard test. All those question about the Plains of Abraham. Who cares where the battle was fought so long ago?

HEIDI: I think it would be interesting to visit that part of the country sometime. I'd like to see Quebec City.

KAREN: When my folks find out I flunked the semester history test, I'll be lucky if I only get grounded. They'll probably disown me.

HEIDI: Your parents are not likely to disown their only daughter.

KAREN: Their only stupid daughter.

HEIDI: And you are not likely to get an F on the test. You've never had an F on any other test, have you?

KAREN: There's a first time for everything. Besides, Mr. Will­iams hates me.

HEIDI: Why do you think that?

KAREN: He just does. I can tell by the way he squints at me.

HEIDI: Mr. Williams squints at everyone. I think he needs glasses.

KAREN: It's different when he squints at me. At you, he squints benevolently. At me, he squints maliciously.

HEIDI: You are imagining things. Mr. Williams has no reasonto hate you.

KAREN: Yes, he does. He hates me because I flunked the semester test.

HEIDI: Let's look at your test results. Then you can worry about whether Mr. Williams hates you. (She reaches for KAREN's folder. KAREN jerks it away.)

KAREN: Of course he hates me. I am a loser. Everybody hates losers.

HEIDI: You are not a loser.

KAREN: If I were a worm, all the early robins would find me.

HEIDI: Oh, good grief.

KAREN: If I were a duck, I'd be the first one in the air on opening day of hunting season. (HEIDI gives her a disgusted look, but says nothing.) If I were a rabbit, someone would cut off my foot, to bring good luck.

HEIDI: Oh, gross. What is the matter with you?

KAREN: Nothing's the matter with me. I am simply stating facts.

HEIDI: Well, if there was an award for negative attitude, you would win it.

KAREN: There! You see? Even my best friend agrees that I'm a loser.

HEIDI: Stop that. Haven't you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?

KAREN: If I have, I've forgotten.

HEIDI: If you believe something is going to happen, you increase the chance that it will. When you think of yourself as a loser, then you do things to create your own bad luck.

KAREN: Like flunking the most important history test of the year.

HEIDI: You didn't expect to flunk when you took the test.

KAREN: Yes, I did.

HEIDI: If you really expected to flunk, you would not have bothered to take it.

KAREN: I didn't know when I showed up for the test that it would be so hard. Once I saw it, I expected to flunk.

HEIDI: Would you please open your folder and find out what your grade is? (KAREN clutches folder to her chest and shakes her head.) Do you want me to look for you?

KAREN: I don't need to look. I already know what my grade is.

HEIDI: How could you? Mr. Williams just handed these to us minutes ago.

KAREN: (Emphatically) I know what my grade is.

HEIDI: Really? (KAREN nods yes.) Are you telling me that you really did get an F? You aren't just worrying?

KAREN: You know the old saying that history repeats itself? Well, in my case, I'll be repeating history.

HEIDI: Oh. I'm sorry. Did Mr. Williams call your parents?


HEIDI: Then how did you find out?

KAREN: He didn't need to call. I knew the minute I got to the questions about the Plains of Abraham that I was doomed.

HEIDI: (Losing patience) Have you seen your grade or haven't you?

KAREN: I don't need to see it. I told you, I already ... (HEIDI suddenly grabs KAREN's test out of her hands.) Hey! Give me that. (HEIDI quickly opens folder and looks inside.)

HEIDI: You got a C-plus.

KAREN: What? No way.

HEIDI: See for yourself. (She holds the open folder under KAREN's nose.) A big, red C and a big, red plus.

KAREN: Mr. Williams must have made a mistake. I think he needs glasses.

HEIDI: There's a note, too. It says, "If you would study for these tests, you could probably get an A."

KAREN: I knew it. He got my folder mixed up with someone else's.

HEIDI: All that worrying for nothing. Come on. We don't want to be late to geometry.

KAREN: It doesn't matter if I'm late or not. I'm flunking geometry anyway. (HEIDI rolls eyes in disgust. They exit.)

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I Flunked The Test

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