Good morning and welcome to llt121 Classical Mythology. In our last class, we were examining the concept of the Ages of Humankind. Hesiod was the first to write it down, circa 750 bc

Download 32.09 Kb.
Size32.09 Kb.
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8
Aphrodite. The goddess of beauty and love marrying this smoke-blackened, club-footed god of metal shop. Zeus did this to Aphrodite, it is said, to fix her because she was always making people fall in love and behave like absolute idiots. Do people behave like absolute idiots when they are in love? Yes, that’s how you know they are really in love, when they do really stupid things that embarrass them to death when they hear about it afterwards. Zeus says, “I’ll fix you. I will marry you to the Danny Devito of the gods, the ugly god.” But the thing is, Hephaestus is such a nice god. Everybody likes him. He’s just not easy on the eyes.

So one day, while Hephaestus is off on a business trip, Aphrodite is looking for a little loving on the side. And that’s okay because she is the goddess of beauty, desirability, and scoring copiously. She decides to go over to the house of Ares, the god of war, who is a very studly god. Of course, he’s a total and consummate dork. One time, he got wounded in the Trojan War. He came up to Mount Olympus and started whining. Zeus put him in a barrel and nailed it shut until he stopped whining. Good god, what is it good for? Meanwhile, Ares and Aphrodite, you know, are having a little hanky-panky in the el sacko when Helios, the sun god, cruising up in his chariot 24 hours a day—well, no, he’s the sun god. He’s up there. He sees a lot. He looks down and he sees Ares and Aphrodite in flagrante delicto, which is Latin for doing the wild thing. Okay? Bu if you “in flagrante delicto” it just sounds much more dignified. Well, maybe somebody in this room has been in this situation. I mean, how anthropomorphic can these deities get? One person you know is messing around on their main squeeze and you know about it, but do you tell them? Do you not tell them? Well, here’s Helios, he’s a god, and he’s stuck trying to figure it out. Do I nark on Aphrodite or do I help Hephaestus out?

Well, finally he calls a meeting with Hephaestus and says, “Hephaestus, Aphrodite has been messing around on you with Ares.” Hephaestus is not happy to hear this. In his function as the god of metal shop, Hephaestus makes some unbreakable chains of such thin metal that they can’t be seen. He is, after all, the god of metal shop. Right, Jeremy? You are still Jeremy? Good. The next time that Aphrodite comes over to Ares’s house for a little loving, the next time they are in flagrante delicto, Hephaestus pops out of the woodwork, throws the chain over them—which is invisible—and calls all the gods to look at it. All the gods are standing around and looking at this sight, but not the ancient Greek goddesses. Your name is Heather, right? Why do you think this is, that all the gods are standing around looking, but not the goddesses? Make something up. This is a patriarchal society in, which men have manly sexual urges which it is all right to act upon, but women are supposed to stay home and behave themselves. The good old double standard. So all the gods are standing there looking at Ares caught in flagrante delicto with Aphrodite. Finally, I think it’s Poseidon, the sea god, otherwise known to the Romans as Neptune, who says, “I tell you what. Let them out and I will make sure, Hephaestus, that he makes it up to you or I’ll kill him.” So they let them go. But here’s an example of an ancient Greek joke. This ancient Greek joke is about 3,200 years old. Apollo and Hermes were standing there looking at Ares and Aphrodite caught in flagrante delicto. Apollo says, “Man how would you like to be caught in the buff with Aphrodite like that?” Hermes says, “Wow, that would rule. I’d love it.” So much for an ancient Greek 3,200 year old joke.

Other gods and goddesses I should mention, well let’s put it this way. A joke which I tell people constantly in class—that’s really not a joke—is that the number one cause of teenage pregnancy in ancient Greece was Zeus. I mean goddesses, women—it doesn’t matter—Zeus does it. We can explain this by Zeus’s own bad behavior as a philandering husband. You know, not big on commitment. (Yes, I know, women. What men are?) It’s also necessary for Zeus to have a lot of little godlings and kings and queens because, let’s face it. Let’s say that I am the king of this classroom and you adore me accordingly, as you no doubt do. You don’t want to say I am the son of a couple from Wisconsin named Ray and Laura, which I actually am. “Oh that’s Ray and Laurie’s kid.” No! “He was the offspring of Zeus and a promising young sea nymph.” John Q. Hammons is another example of a person who’s got his name on all the monuments in town and stuff like that. You wouldn’t want it to be said of him that his parents were a regular guy and a regular woman. No. We make up some story. Who better to pick out for the ancestor of your god or your hero than the father of gods and men, Zeus? Zeus is the father of all sorts of gods and goddesses. We’ll meet some of his other wives later on. But with the Titan,

Share with your friends:
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8

The database is protected by copyright © 2020
send message

    Main page