Episode 11: Sirens (Literary technique: Fuga per canonem (fugue or polyphony by rule: weaving of various voices and motifs in counterpoint to one another). Art: Music. Time: 38 40 pm. Place: Ormond Hotel

Parody 25: In the style of late-19th-century versions of medieval romance

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Parody 25: In the style of late-19th-century versions of medieval romance.
Our travellers reached the rustic hostelry and alighted from their

--Ho, varlet! cried he, who by his mien seemed the leader of the party.

Saucy knave! To us!
So saying he knocked loudly with his swordhilt upon the open lattice.
Mine host came forth at the summons, girding him with his tabard.
--Give you good den, my masters, said he with an obsequious bow.
--Bestir thyself, sirrah! cried he who had knocked. Look to our steeds.

And for ourselves give us of your best for ifaith we need it.
--Lackaday, good masters, said the host, my poor house has but a bare

larder. I know not what to offer your lordships.
--How now, fellow? cried the second of the party, a man of pleasant

countenance, So servest thou the king's messengers, master Taptun?
An instantaneous change overspread the landlord's visage.
--Cry you mercy, gentlemen, he said humbly. An you be the king's

messengers (God shield His Majesty!) you shall not want for aught. The

king's friends (God bless His Majesty!) shall not go afasting in my house

I warrant me.
--Then about! cried the traveller who had not spoken, a lusty trencherman

by his aspect. Hast aught to give us?
Mine host bowed again as he made answer:
--What say you, good masters, to a squab pigeon pasty, some collops of

venison, a saddle of veal, widgeon with crisp hog's bacon, a boar's head

with pistachios, a bason of jolly custard, a medlar tansy and a flagon of

old Rhenish?
--Gadzooks! cried the last speaker. That likes me well. Pistachios!
--Aha! cried he of the pleasant countenance. A poor house and a bare

larder, quotha! 'Tis a merry rogue.
The conversation turns to Bloom.
So in comes Martin asking where was Bloom.
--Where is he? says Lenehan. Defrauding widows and orphans.
--Isn't that a fact, says John Wyse, what I was telling the citizen about

Bloom and the Sinn Fein?
--That's so, says Martin. Or so they allege.
--Who made those allegations? says Alf.
--I, says Joe. I'm the alligator.
--And after all, says John Wyse, why can't a jew love his country like the

next fellow?
--Why not? says J. J., when he's quite sure which country it is.
--Is he a jew or a gentile or a holy Roman or a swaddler or what the hell

is he? says Ned. Or who is he? No offence, Crofton.
--Who is Junius? says J. J.
--We don't want him, says Crofter the Orangeman or presbyterian.
--He's a perverted jew, says Martin, from a place in Hungary and it was he

drew up all the plans according to the Hungarian system. We know that in

the castle.
--Isn't he a cousin of Bloom the dentist? says Jack Power.
--Not at all, says Martin. Only namesakes. His name was Virag, the

father's name that poisoned himself. He changed it by deedpoll, the father

--That's the new Messiah for Ireland! says the citizen. Island of saints

and sages!
--Well, they're still waiting for their redeemer, says Martin. For that

matter so are we.
--Yes, says J. J., and every male that's born they think it may be their

Messiah. And every jew is in a tall state of excitement, I believe, till

he knows if he's a father or a mother.
--Expecting every moment will be his next, says Lenehan.
--O, by God, says Ned, you should have seen Bloom before that son of his

that died was born. I met him one day in the south city markets buying a

tin of Neave's food six weeks before the wife was delivered.
--Do you call that a man? says the citizen.
--I wonder did he ever put it out of sight, says Joe.
--Well, there were two children born anyhow, says Jack Power.
--And who does he suspect? says the citizen.
Gob, there's many a true word spoken in jest. One of those mixed

middlings he is. Lying up in the hotel Pisser was telling me once a month

with headache like a totty with her courses. Do you know what I'm telling

you? It'd be an act of God to take a hold of a fellow the like of that and

throw him in the bloody sea. Justifiable homicide, so it would. Then

sloping off with his five quid without putting up a pint of stuff like a

man. Give us your blessing. Not as much as would blind your eye.
--Charity to the neighbour, says Martin. But where is he? We can't wait.
--A wolf in sheep's clothing, says the citizen. That's what he is. Virag

from Hungary! Ahasuerus I call him. Cursed by God.
--Have you time for a brief libation, Martin? says Ned.
--Only one, says Martin. We must be quick. J. J. and S.
--You, Jack? Crofton? Three half ones, Terry.
--Saint Patrick would want to land again at Ballykinlar and convert us,

says the citizen, after allowing things like that to contaminate our

--Well, says Martin, rapping for his glass. God bless all here is my

--Amen, says the citizen.
--And I'm sure He will, says Joe.
Parody 26: In the style of an account of a religious festival.
And at the sound of the sacring bell, headed by a crucifer with acolytes,

thurifers, boatbearers, readers, ostiarii, deacons and subdeacons,

the blessed company drew nigh of mitred abbots and priors and guardians

and monks and friars: the monks of Benedict of Spoleto, Carthusians and

Camaldolesi, Cistercians and Olivetans, Oratorians and Vallombrosans,

and the friars of Augustine, Brigittines, Premonstratensians, Servi,

Trinitarians, and the children of Peter Nolasco: and therewith from Carmel

mount the children of Elijah prophet led by Albert bishop and by Teresa of

Avila, calced and other: and friars, brown and grey, sons of poor Francis,

capuchins, cordeliers, minimes and observants and the daughters of Clara:

and the sons of Dominic, the friars preachers, and the sons of Vincent:

and the monks of S. Wolstan: and Ignatius his children: and the

confraternity of the christian brothers led by the reverend brother

Edmund Ignatius Rice. And after came all saints and martyrs,

virgins and confessors: S. Cyr and S. Isidore Arator and S. James the

Less and S. Phocas of Sinope and S. Julian Hospitator and S. Felix

de Cantalice and S. Simon Stylites and S. Stephen Protomartyr and

S. John of God and S. Ferreol and S. Leugarde and S. Theodotus and S.

Vulmar and S. Richard and S. Vincent de Paul and S. Martin of Todi

and S. Martin of Tours and S. Alfred and S. Joseph and S.

Denis and S. Cornelius and S. Leopold and S. Bernard and S. Terence and

S. Edward and S. Owen Caniculus and S. Anonymous and S. Eponymous

and S. Pseudonymous and S. Homonymous and S. Paronymous and S.

Synonymous and S. Laurence O'Toole and S. James of Dingle and

Compostella and S. Columcille and S. Columba and S. Celestine and S.

Colman and S. Kevin and S. Brendan and S. Frigidian and S. Senan and S.

Fachtna and S. Columbanus and S. Gall and S. Fursey and S. Fintan and S.

Fiacre and S. John Nepomuc and S. Thomas Aquinas and S. Ives of

Brittany and S. Michan and S. Herman-Joseph and the three patrons of

holy youth S. Aloysius Gonzaga and S. Stanislaus Kostka and S. John

Berchmans and the saints Gervasius, Servasius and Bonifacius and S. Bride

and S. Kieran and S. Canice of Kilkenny and S. Jarlath of Tuam and S.

Finbarr and S. Pappin of Ballymun and Brother Aloysius Pacificus and

Brother Louis Bellicosus and the saints Rose of Lima and of Viterbo and S.

Martha of Bethany and S. Mary of Egypt and S. Lucy and S. Brigid and S.

Attracta and S. Dympna and S. Ita and S. Marion Calpensis and the

Blessed Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and S. Barbara and S. Scholastica

and S. Ursula with eleven thousand virgins. And all came with nimbi and

aureoles and gloriae, bearing palms and harps and swords and olive

crowns, in robes whereon were woven the blessed symbols of their

efficacies, inkhorns, arrows, loaves, cruses, fetters, axes, trees,

bridges, babes in a bathtub, shells, wallets, shears, keys, dragons,

lilies, buckshot, beards, hogs, lamps, bellows, beehives, soupladles,

stars, snakes, anvils, boxes of vaseline, bells, crutches, forceps,

stags' horns, watertight boots, hawks, millstones, eyes on a dish, wax

candles, aspergills, unicorns. And as they wended their way by Nelson's

Pillar, Henry street, Mary street, Capel street, Little Britain street

chanting the introit in EPIPHANIA DOMINI which beginneth SURGE,

ILLUMINARE and thereafter most sweetly the gradual OMNES which saith

DE SABA VENIENT they did divers wonders such as casting out devils,

raising the dead to life, multiplying fishes, healing the halt and the

blind, discovering various articles which had been mislaid, interpreting

and fulfilling the scriptures, blessing and prophesying. And last, beneath

a canopy of cloth of gold came the reverend Father O'Flynn attended by

Malachi and Patrick. And when the good fathers had reached the appointed

place, the house of Bernard Kiernan and Co, limited, 8, 9 and 10 little

Britain street, wholesale grocers, wine and brandy shippers, licensed for

the sale of beer, wine and spirits for consumption on the premises, the

celebrant blessed the house and censed the mullioned windows and the

groynes and the vaults and the arrises and the capitals and the pediments

and the cornices and the engrailed arches and the spires and the cupolas

and sprinkled the lintels thereof with blessed water and prayed that God

might bless that house as he had blessed the house of Abraham and Isaac

and Jacob and make the angels of His light to inhabit therein. And

entering he blessed the viands and the beverages and the company of all

the blessed answered his prayers.
--ET CUM SPIRITU TUO. [Our help is in the name of the Lord./Who made heaven and earth./The Lord be with you./And with thy spirit.]
And he laid his hands upon that he blessed and gave thanks and he

prayed and they all with him prayed:




CHRISTUM DOMINUM NOSTRUM. [O God, by whose word all things are made holy, pour down your blessing on these which you created. Grant that whoever, giving thanks to you, uses them in accordance with your law and your will, may be calling on your holy name receive through your aid health of body and protection of south, through Christ or Lord.]
Bloom reenters, apologizing for being late, having come from the courthouse looking for Cunningham, et al.
--And so say all of us, says Jack.
--Thousand a year, Lambert, says Crofton or Crawford.
--Right, says Ned, taking up his John Jameson. And butter for fish.

I was just looking around to see who the happy thought would strike

when be damned but in he comes again letting on to be in a hell of a

--I was just round at the courthouse, says he, looking for you. I hope I'm

not ...
--No, says Martin, we're ready.
Courthouse my eye and your pockets hanging down with gold and silver.

Mean bloody scut. Stand us a drink itself. Devil a sweet fear! There's

a jew for you! All for number one. Cute as a shithouse rat. Hundred to

--Don't tell anyone, says the citizen,
--Beg your pardon, says he.
--Come on boys, says Martin, seeing it was looking blue. Come along now.
--Don't tell anyone, says the citizen, letting a bawl out of him. It's a

And the bloody dog woke up and let a growl.
--Bye bye all, says Martin.
And he got them out as quick as he could, Jack Power and Crofton or

whatever you call him and him in the middle of them letting on to be all

at sea and up with them on the bloody jaunting car.
---Off with you, says
Martin to the jarvey.
Parody 27: In the style of romantic version of medieval legend.
The milkwhite dolphin tossed his mane and, rising in the golden poop

the helmsman spread the bellying sail upon the wind and stood off forward

with all sail set, the spinnaker to larboard. A many comely nymphs drew

nigh to starboard and to larboard and, clinging to the sides of the noble

bark, they linked their shining forms as doth the cunning wheelwright when

he fashions about the heart of his wheel the equidistant rays whereof each

one is sister to another and he binds them all with an outer ring and

giveth speed to the feet of men whenas they ride to a hosting or contend

for the smile of ladies fair. Even so did they come and set them, those

willing nymphs, the undying sisters. And they laughed, sporting in a

circle of their foam: and the bark clave the waves.
The citizen pursues the exiting Bloom.
But begob I was just lowering the heel of the pint when I saw the

citizen getting up to waddle to the door, puffing and blowing with the

dropsy, and he cursing the curse of Cromwell on him, bell, book and candle

in Irish, spitting and spatting out of him and Joe and little Alf round

him like a leprechaun trying to peacify him.
--Let me alone, says he.
And begob he got as far as the door and they holding him and he

bawls out of him:
--Three cheers for Israel!
Arrah, sit down on the parliamentary side of your arse for Christ'

sake and don't be making a public exhibition of yourself. Jesus, there's

always some bloody clown or other kicking up a bloody murder about

bloody nothing. Gob, it'd turn the porter sour in your guts, so it would.
And all the ragamuffins and sluts of the nation round the door and Martin

telling the jarvey to drive ahead and the citizen bawling and Alf and

Joe at him to whisht and he on his high horse about the jews and the

loafers calling for a speech and Jack Power trying to get him to sit down

on the car and hold his bloody jaw and a loafer with a patch over his eye

starts singing IF THE MAN IN THE MOON WAS A JEW, JEW, JEW and a slut

shouts out of her:
--Eh, mister! Your fly is open, mister!
And says he:
--Mendelssohn was a jew and Karl Marx and Mercadante and Spinoza.

And the Saviour was a jew and his father was a jew. Your God.
--He had no father, says Martin. That'll do now. Drive ahead.
--Whose God? says the citizen.
--Well, his uncle was a jew, says he. Your God was a jew. Christ was a jew

like me.
Gob, the citizen made a plunge back into the shop.
--By Jesus, says he, I'll brain that bloody jewman for using the holy


By Jesus, I'll crucify him so I will. Give us that biscuitbox here.
--Stop! Stop! says Joe.
Parody 28: In the style of a newspaper account of the departure of a royal foreign visitor.
A large and appreciative gathering of friends and acquaintances from

the metropolis and greater Dublin assembled in their thousands to bid

farewell to Nagyasagos uram Lipoti Virag, late of Messrs Alexander

Thom's, printers to His Majesty, on the occasion of his departure for the

distant clime of Szazharminczbrojugulyas-Dugulas (Meadow of

Murmuring Waters). The ceremony which went off with great ECLAT was

characterised by the most affecting cordiality. An illuminated scroll of

ancient Irish vellum, the work of Irish artists, was presented to the

distinguished phenomenologist on behalf of a large section of the

community and was accompanied by the gift of a silver casket, tastefully

executed in the style of ancient Celtic ornament, a work which reflects

every credit on the makers, Messrs Jacob AGUS Jacob. The departing guest

was the recipient of a hearty ovation, many of those who were present

being visibly moved when the select orchestra of Irish pipes struck up the

wellknown strains of COME BACK TO ERIN, followed immediately by RAKOCZSY'S

MARCH. Tarbarrels and bonfires were lighted along the coastline of the four

seas on the summits of the Hill of Howth, Three Rock Mountain, Sugarloaf,

Bray Head, the mountains of Mourne, the Galtees, the Ox and Donegal and

Sperrin peaks, the Nagles and the Bograghs, the Connemara hills, the reeks

of M Gillicuddy, Slieve Aughty, Slieve Bernagh and Slieve Bloom. Amid

cheers that rent the welkin, responded to by answering cheers from a big

muster of henchmen on the distant Cambrian and Caledonian hills, the

mastodontic pleasureship slowly moved away saluted by a final floral

tribute from the representatives of the fair sex who were present in large

numbers while, as it proceeded down the river, escorted by a flotilla of

barges, the flags of the Ballast office and Custom House were dipped in

salute as were also those of the electrical power station at the

Pigeonhouse and the Poolbeg Light. VISSZONTLATASRA, KEDVES BARATON!

VISSZONTLATASRA! [Hungarian: “See you again, my dear friend! See you again”]Gone but not forgotten.
The citizen throws the biscuit tin at the departing car.
Gob, the devil wouldn't stop him till he got hold of the bloody tin

anyhow and out with him and little Alf hanging on to his elbow and he

shouting like a stuck pig, as good as any bloody play in the Queen's royal

--Where is he till I murder him?
And Ned and J. J. paralysed with the laughing.
--Bloody wars, says I, I'll be in for the last gospel.
But as luck would have it the jarvey got the nag's head round the

other way and off with him.
--Hold on, citizen, says Joe. Stop!
Begob he drew his hand and made a swipe and let fly. Mercy of God the sun

was in his eyes or he'd have left him for dead. Gob, he near sent it

into the county Longford. The bloody nag took fright and the old mongrel

after the car like bloody hell and all the populace shouting and laughing

and the old tinbox clattering along the street.
Parody 29: In the style of a newspaper account of a natural disaster.
The catastrophe was terrific and instantaneous in its effect. The

observatory of Dunsink registered in all eleven shocks, all of the fifth

grade of Mercalli's scale, and there is no record extant of a similar

seismic disturbance in our island since the earthquake of 1534, the

year of the rebellion of Silken Thomas. The epicentre appears to have

been that part of the metropolis which constitutes the Inn's Quay

ward and parish of Saint Michan covering a surface of fortyone acres,

two roods and one square pole or perch. All the lordly residences in

the vicinity of the palace of justice were demolished and that noble

edifice itself, in which at the time of the catastrophe important

legal debates were in progress, is literally a mass of ruins beneath

which it is to be feared all the occupants have been buried alive.

From the reports of eyewitnesses it transpires that the seismic waves

were accompanied by a violent atmospheric perturbation of cyclonic

character. An article of headgear since ascertained to belong to the much

respected clerk of the crown and peace Mr George Fottrell and a silk

umbrella with gold handle with the engraved initials, crest, coat of arms

and house number of the erudite and worshipful chairman of quarter

sessions sir Frederick Falkiner, recorder of Dublin, have been discovered

by search parties in remote parts of the island respectively, the former

on the third basaltic ridge of the giant's causeway, the latter embedded

to the extent of one foot three inches in the sandy beach of Holeopen

bay near the old head of Kinsale. Other eyewitnesses depose that they

observed an incandescent object of enormous proportions hurtling through

the atmosphere at a terrifying velocity in a trajectory directed

southwest by west. Messages of condolence and sympathy are being

hourly received from all parts of the different continents and the

sovereign pontiff has been graciously pleased to decree that a

special MISSA PRO DEFUNCTIS shall be celebrated simultaneously by

the ordinaries of each and every cathedral church of all the episcopal

dioceses subject to the spiritual authority of the Holy See in suffrage of

the souls of those faithful departed who have been so unexpectedly called

away from our midst. The work of salvage, removal of DEBRIS, human remains

etc has been entrusted to Messrs Michael Meade and Son, 159 Great

Brunswick street, and Messrs T. and C. Martin, 77, 78, 79 and 80 North

Wall, assisted by the men and officers of the Duke of Cornwall's light

infantry under the general supervision of H. R. H., rear admiral, the

right honourable sir Hercules Hannibal Habeas Corpus Anderson, K. G.,

K. P., K. T., P. C., K. C. B., M. P, J. P., M. B., D. S. O., S. O. D.,

M. F. H., M. R. I. A., B. L., Mus. Doc., P. L. G., F. T. C. D.,

F. R. U. I., F. R. C. P. I. and F. R. C. S. I.

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