Car Thieves by Ákos Németh translated by Ché Walker time: Autumn. Setting

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Car Thieves

by Ákos Németh

translated by Ché Walker

TIME: Autumn.

SETTING: Street with a bus stop, run down flat, luxurious flat, surgery, fast food restaurant, pharmacy, police station, parish church.


(In a car)

LACIKA How can you be such a neek?

ARON Stop pushing me.

LACIKA Connect this with that wire. Wake up.

ARON Can’t do it.

LACIKA Cause you’re a neek.

ARON Stop pushing me, I told you.

LACIKA Such a sweet ride and you can’t ignite it. Even a mong could start this car.

ARON Now...

The engine starts.

LACIKA About time, you cretin. Let’s roll.

ARON Let’s get out of here, come on.


ARON Here, jump in.

LACIKA Do what?

ARON Drive.

LACIKA I can’t drive.

ARON You said you could drive, you said you could drive, you prick fool.

LACIKA I can’t drive, you can drive.

ARON I’ve never been able to drive.

LACIKA (angry) I don’t believe this! I don’t believe this! You mess up everything you do! Shit! Such a frikkin neek! We should burn it at least.

ARON Are you nuts? You are going to burn the steering wheel with matches?

POLICEMAN What the hell are you doing here? Are you alright?

ARON Come on Ferike, leave us alone. You frightened me.

LACIKA Uh... Aron has dropped his glasses and we’re looking for them. Without his glasses he can’t see the road markings.

POLICEMAN I see. Who’s motor?

LACIKA Keep your nose out my business!

POLICEMAN I am the police, you twat.

ARON I wouldn’t be so proud of it.

POLICEMAN Hands up! And get out the car!

LACIKA Let’s do one!

(Music plays in the car radio.)



(A battered terrace.)

(One, then two...)

(The Doctor and Moni enter. Ildiko stops crying.)

MONI The doctor is an angel. Barbara’s sleeping.

DOCTOR The dog stopped whining as well. I tied it behind the garage. One flick with the lead here, one tetanus injection there - bit of a mountain out of a molehill!

MONI Your healing worked because you love everybody.

DOCTOR I have been to eleven funerals in my life. There is nobody left for me to love. So you have already moved the little girl to the grandmother’s room.

ILDIKO Another glass of wine, Doctor? Moni, offer some more to the doctor.

DOCTOR I can help myself to the schnapps in the cupboard. When I used to come here on wednesdays, there was quiet here, this was an island of peace. Your mother never took me seriously. No more peace. What a racket!

MONI Can you hear the swallows?

DOCTOR I’d chase them away. Today I was there at the post-mortem. I had a hard day.

(Moni stands up and goes into the house.)

ILDIKO How can you talk about such horrible things?

DOCTOR But this is not a horrible thing. For such is life. We live, then we die, and when we die they make a list of our organs.

ILDIKO But how can you say this? You know she adored her grand­mother.

DOCTOR She? Her grandmother? But she hardly knew her! I adored her grandmother. I dreamt hopelessly of her when I was twenty and she was sixteen. And I had to assist at the post-mortem, not her, because I was the Family Doctor. Then why is she crying, why not me?

ILDIKO You are a monster, doctor, a heartless monster. You made this poor girl cry. What did you say, did you want some wine?

DOCTOR You see, I had a hard day, my memories are suffocating me, I had to wire a childhood love’s death certificate, and on top of this I’m called a monster.

ILDIKO You can feel hurt. You can feel hurt, but you are still a monster... Yes, it’s better if you leave now.

DOCTOR All right, then. Comfort your niece in my name. Where is my hat? You could easily have been my daughter, and instead you call me a monster... All right then.

(Doctor exits.)

(Moni returns and stands in the doorway.)

MONI Has he gone?

ILDIKO Never mind him. He’s a whacked out old hermit, he’s 50% nuttah, and 100% alcoholic. Hear what I say? Forget about it.

MONI Granny’s funeral will be on Thursday.

ILDIKO Otherwise he’s a good doctor. He used to examine you on that table when you were a nipper.

MONI You’ve already told me this. I’m not going to the funeral.

ILDIKO What? Why? You loved your grandmother.

MONI I don’t want to see anybody. I miss her so much.

ILDIKO We’ll all miss her.

MONI Who we talking about?

ILDIKO You and your daughter can stay with me, now that you have to leave this house.

MONI Very kind.

ILDIKO You will have to work.

MONI Had no other plans.

ILDIKO You’ll work for me. You already know Sing-Song. You don’t have to be poor forever.

MONI I don’t mind being poor, as long as I’ve got lots of money.

ILDIKO And I expect to be respected properly.

MONI You and all Sing-Song’s girlfriends will get all the respect you deserve.

ILDIKO Let’s clear this up, one more foolish comment and you’re out.

MONI You mean out of here?

ILDIKO For your own sake.

(Ildiko exits.)


(The street.)

BRUNN If you say that again, I’ll spark you. There’s only six packs left.

LACIKA They put a lock on the drug cupboard. I can get some more from the ward, but that’s the end of it. I’m doing a night shift tomorrow, I can get you all the painkillers you can handle, but the old girls in the ward will be screaming.

BRUNN Tomorrow is too late, ass-wipe.

LACIKA Could Mariusz wait one more day?

BRUNN This is my private business.

LACIKA Right. Nobody’s business but your own.

BRUNN So don’t mess around with my money or you’ll never work off your debt.

LACIKA I never would. Just gimme one more day. I only need one last hit so I get through the night shift without withdrawals.

BRUNN Same old story!

(Brunn professionally searches him and takes an envelope from him.)

BRUNN (cont’d) Was that it?

LACIKA I’ll die without! I don’t have any more.

BRUNN I don’t give a monkey’s.

LACIKA Please, I really need it. Fuck’s sakes. Tomorrow I’ll bring you twice as much.

BRUNN I don’t give a shit. And this is to remind you that you can’t bullshit me.

(Brunn stamps on the boy’s foot and presses on it with a joy. The boy is screaming.)

BRUNN (cont’d) Come on, keep it together, kid. You got a long night ahead, you sorry little pill popping fudgenudgin faggot.

(Lacika can’t stand on his feet.)


(Bus stop)

(Two at a bus stop, late at night.)

ARON Whassamatter?

MONI Nothing, just a rat. The park is swarming with them. They got a thing for the rubbish.

(Aron is secretly watching a girl.)

MONI (cont’d) I’m gutted you’re gonna be a priest. Your mother wants it, don’t she, smartarse.

ARON Don’t call me this.

MONI What else to call you, I been calling you smartarse from time. What you staring at, smartarse?

ARON The fountain. The neon lights make the water red.

MONI It’s as if the sky is being washed with blood.

(They watch the fountain.)

ARON (secretly watching girl) You going somewhere?

MONI Why you so int’rested?

ARON Where?

MONI I’m not going nowhere, I’m just going home. Just saw you standing there. What are you looking at now?

ARON I want to ask you something...

MONI What? You wanna ask me out to the pictures and all?


ARON I wanted to ask you. Why does everyone call you Anke?


MONI Maybe my mum wanted to have an Austrian kid. Because I was born in Wiener Neustadt, where my mum was a waitress with decent patrons.

ARON And how does it feel?

MONI What?

ARON To be born in Wiener Neustadt.

MONI Can’t remember.

ARON Pity.


ARON (cont’d) I thought your mum brought you up.

MONI My mum runs a guest-house in South -America.

ARON This poxy bus is never gonna reach.

MONI You got a foul mouth, Father Aron.

ARON It’s not definite yet. Why do you keep scratching?

MONI My bra is too small.

ARON Wishful thinking, babe.

MONI Haha very funny.

ARON I got to be honest. I’m not actually waiting for the poxy bus. I’m waiting for a date. That’s what I wanted to say.


MONI You? And who is it?

ARON None of your business.

MONI I bet it’s a cripple with three titties. What she look like?

ARON Why you so curious about her?

MONI I’m not curious. Juss wanted to go to the pictures.

(Moni exits angry.)


(Ext. Bus stop)

(Two at bus stop.)

(Mrs. Molnar, fifties, enters.)

ARON ‘Emotional, adventurous, patient, gentle, romantic, generous, gallant and financially secure?’

MRS. MOLNAR Who are you?

ARON It’s me. The White Rose.

MRS. MOLNAR You are the White Rose? This is a disgrace!

ARON No, it’s ‘Soulmates’.

MRS. MOLNAR You said you were fifty-seven. How old are you?

ARON Physically: Twenty. Mentally; Fifty-seven.

MRS. MOLNAR You are very impertinent, boy. This is a dirty trick. I could report you to the police.

ARON Why don’t you want to take a chance with me? Gimme a chance.

MRS. MOLNAR Are you mad? Idiot. ‘Financially secure’! You haven’t got a clue how to support a woman.

ARON My mum cooks every day, you could move into my place.

MRS. MOLNAR Tell me why had to meet at a bus stop?

ARON It’s an infrequent service. And this is my hangout, anyway.

MRS. MOLNAR I should give you a hefty slap, kid. I hope this was fun for you!

(Mrs. Molnar exits.)

ARON Does it make a difference that I want to be a priest?

MRS. MOLNAR In which church?

ARON Catholic.

MRS. MOLNAR In that case, I’m converting to Islam.

(Mrs. Molnar exits.)

ARON Women always judge you by appearances.

(Moni emerges from a hiding place.)

MONI I didn’t realise you went for vintage models.

ARON I don’t care about immature birds. I care about life.


(Fast food restaurant)

(A boy in a wheelchair is reading Shnitzler’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ with some difficulties.)

LACIKA ‘The warm breeze brought the smell of wet meadows and distant hills to the narrow streets. - Where now - thought Friolin, as if it wasn’t the most evident thing to do, to go home and go to bed. But he could not do that. He felt homeless and outcast since his annoying meeting with those Alemagnes. Or maybe since Marianne’s confession?’

Oh, Marianna, you little slappa!

‘No -’

(Lacika accidentally turns two pages and loses the plot.)

LACIKA (cont’d) ‘No. Since longer. Since his chat with Albertine, something chased him further and further. From the familiar every day routine of his life into a different, distant world.’

Albertine, you beast!

‘He’s been walking without any purpose at the night streets, every now and then the gentle spring breeze touched his forehead; finally with decisive steps, as if he had found his long searched destination, he entered into a less elegant cafe -’

I bet it’s a pub!

‘... Cafe. In the corner three gentlemen were playing cards.’

(Moni enters, putting on an apron.)

MONI What do you want?

LACIKA This is my favourite book. I found it in the X-ray ward.

MONI Did it show that you have no brain?

LACIKA I was there for my leg.

MONI So what do you want?

LACIKA Nothing, I guess.

MONI Can’t do that.

LACIKA Then I have to think on it. I need to talk to a guy, who’s here, but I don’t wanna jump on him.

MONI Think about it then. We have four types of burgers.

LACIKA Don’t you remember me? I’m Aron’s mate.

MONI I couldn’t give a shit who’s friend you are.

LACIKA We spoke on the phone. I mean I rang you once, but..

MONI Fascinating. We have four types of burgers apart from the menus.

LACIKA I could learn a lot from you.

SING-SONG You been scoping me for time now. I don’t like being scoped. I don’t find myself to be a spectacle. Do you find me a spectacle?

LACIKA No. I’m very sorry, sir.

SING-SONG So whatchou watchin me for? Ain’t you got better things to be doing?

LACIKA I wanted to speak with you, but I didn’t want to disturb you. I’ve heard you’re in the second-hand motor business, and, sir, I wanted to sell you something.

SING-SONG Second-hand motors? What if I am?

LACIKA I wanna sell you this wheelchair. Thass why I wanted to speak with you. It’s a sweet ride. I juss gave it a superwash.


SING-SONG Are you taking the piss outta me, fool? Am I hearing you correctly?

LACIKA You should see how this baby moves! The other day I’m coming downhill and a police camera flashed me.

(Lacika moves the wheelchair forwards and backwards.)

LACIKA (cont’d) Forwards and backwards. Handbrake as standard.

SING-SONG I don’t deal in shopping trolleys, I deal in strictly engined vehicles y’get me?

LACIKA This has an engine. Only the brake got stuck.

(He jumps up from the wheelchair, arranges it, then walks to Sing-Song.)

LACIKA (cont’d) This is a first class machine. Moves like a wet dream !

SING-SONG I don’t believe this fool! If you were any dumber, you’d be a cauliflower!

LACIKA Dumb! Do you realise how difficult it is to sneak one of these out of a hospital?


(The street)

ARON Scuse me, that your fiat?

BRUNN None a your fuckin business.

ARON I got the boom stereo for your ride, suits it down to the ground.

BRUNN Already got one.

ARON I wouldn’t bother you, but I sight one dubious looking dude sniffin round your car. Proper suspicious. Gotta keep your eyes peeled in case of robbery. Christ on a bike, what if he’s already robbed you? Wouldn’t it be a smart move to have a spare radio at home? You’ll thank me, truss me.

BRUNN Get off.

ARON Half-price.

BRUNN I said get off. You deaf?

(Brunn checks his car.)

ARON Christ on a bike, I’m not gonna twist your arm. Looks like I got myself a radio then.

BRUNN Motherfuckin junkie scumbag thieving little prick pulled my lock out and where are the fuckin cops now, having a fuckin mochachino somewhere? Where the fuck are they and what are they fucking doing?


(Int. Fast food restaurant)

DOCTOR I came to here to apologise to your aunt, or she should apologise to me, I don’t actually remember.

MONI She went out on business somewhere.

DOCTOR It’s so hot in here.

MONI I’m glad that you’re here, would you touch my pulse, please? Don’t you find that it’s hardly beating?

DOCTOR Nonsense.

MONI Everything I say, you tell me nonsense. You’re impossible to talk to. Just because I’m young enough to be your daughter.

DOCTOR Granddaughter.

MONI Tell me this. Is there any sense in living life? Cup of tea?

DOCTOR No to tea, yes to life. There is sense in our living.

MONI Bright sun outside like summer, but it just makes me sadder.

DOCTOR Mood swings. What’s on the menu?

MONI Four types of burgers. Regular deluxe, extra deluxe and light. I mean, regular light and deluxe light. And regular light, but I think I said that already and we also have just regular regular.

DOCTOR That makes five.

MONI It’s only four to be honest with you.

DOCTOR And what’s the difference?

MONI The tomato.

DOCTOR I see. So some come with no tomato.

MONI In theory but I put tomato in all of them.

DOCTOR Then what’s the difference?

MONI Nothing.

DOCTOR I don’t think I’ll order. I also came to ask you if I could take the old armchair from the apartment.

MONI I noticed you like talking to it.


DOCTOR Your grandmother sat in that chair for thirty years. I should have asked for her hand forty years ago.

MONI I’m twenty. It means she sat here for ten years before I was born.

DOCTOR How is your daughter?

MONI Ildiko is looking after her. She insists.

DOCTOR Poor child.

MONI You talking about me?

DOCTOR Though a dash of wine would make the tea taste sweeter... Drinking wine is as harmful as love.

MONI Nothing ever happens over here.

DOCTOR Last night I dreamt of an old New Year’s Party, when the revellers swamped across her terrace. I felt tormented all day.. As if I was shivering in the bowels of the earth. I should go! It’s getting late.


(Fast food restaurant)

ARON Excuse me, can I sit here?

ILDIKO If you want.

ARON I wanted to ask you something.

ILDIKO Go on then.

ARON Nothing... What are you reading?


ARON Seems interesting.

ILDIKO I’m reading the Budapest Philharmonic is playing here, if you really wanna know.

ARON Playing here?

ILDIKO Yeah. What do you make of that?

ARON No problem. Our side will win.

ILDIKO Any other questions you wanna ask?

ARON Are you free tonight?


ILDIKO Piss off. For your own safety, piss off.

ARON What’s the matter, doncha like hot young men?

ILDIKO You cock cheese fool!

ARON Don’t let appearance fool you.

ILDIKO That’s right. I don’t let appearance fool me. I trust my eyes. Go away.

ARON And what if I don’t go away? What if I stay right here?

(Ildiko moves into the staff room)

(Moni enters.)

MONI Whassup, you got blanked?

ARON She’s just a dyke.

MONI You’re better off not knowing what you missed out on.

ARON This ain’t my week at all. Got a fag?

MONI School?

ARON Don’t give a monkey’s about school. S’posed to do my exams today.

MONI What kind of fool does his first year tests at the age of twenty?

ARON Fifth year tests! And evening school, actually.

(Aron lights a smoke.)

MONI It’s a non-smoking restaurant.

(Moni lights up a smoke.)

MONI (cont’d) How did it go?

ARON The exam? Crap.

MONI What subject?

ARON Don’t ask. The fall of the Roman Empire.


ARON I didn’t know the Roman Empire had fallen! (beat) What have you been doing?

MONI Aerobics. My shift starts in a minute.

ARON Dumb bitch! All that leaping about concusses your mind. It’s a well known fact.

MONI There’s no leaping about. I think everyone should try a sport. Or at least not get leanup every night.

ARON Aerobics is not a sport.

MONI You wouldn’t last one minute.

ARON You bet.

MONI Even I’m stronger than you. And I’m not stopping at aerobics. But I’m registering with a sports club. Maybe they’ll send me to matches. You don’t even wanna know where?

ARON Para-lympics?

MONI You wanna backhander? Go play with your stupid friend. You’re lucky I have to go.

ARON Why? Some guys get a real hard-on for mental defectives. Some people really go for them.

MONI Now that you mentioned, I can really see you doing that.

ARON Me? Joker! Never me, but Lacika would definitely vibrate with you. He loves girls like you. He sees a girl like you in mcdonalds and his pulse is racing like a madman. Could hardly cool him down. He’d dig you too.

MONI I’m gonna learn boxing, and once I reach a level, I’m kickin your head clean off.

ARON That’s not boxing.

MONI Yeah, Thai-boxing! I’ll use your head as a football.

(Moni cleans tables)

ARON I told you, it’s not thai-boxing. Sorry.


(Int. Food restaurant)

ILDIKO And what do you really do at the company?

BRUNN I solve problems. Problems as you know will always arise and when they do, I solve them.

ILDIKO Exciting! What kind of problems do you solve?

BRUNN Little of this, little of that. In our business one has to be competent in everything.

SING-SONG But I have to interject that Brunn has only one way of solving a problem.

BRUNN All’s well, ends well.

SING-SONG You wouldn’t believe Brunn has a degree.

ILDIKO Really? What did you study?

SING-SONG Higher pyschopathics!

BRUNN I’m sure I’d remember if I’d been to college.

ILDIKO Your family must be proud.

SING-SONG He has no family.

ILDIKO Girlfriend?

SING-SONG No girlfriend. Three times a week, he goes to a Polish widow, ten years on him, and he calls her mummy.


BRUNN Stop that bloody singing!

(Brunn exits to toilet.)

ILDIKO Two more coffees, please.

ARON Here I am. What shall I bring?

ILDIKO Coffee.

ARON It wouldn’t kill you to help yourself.

SING-SONG What did you say?

ARON I said she could have helped herself, but I can bring them, no problem.

SING-SONG No problem?

ARON No, no problem. Just I had lots to do.

SING-SONG Sorry to burst your bubble, but you ever cogitate on what a fool you are to backchat your guv’nor, you little lowlife?

ILDIKO Leave it, please..

SING-SONG Wait a minute. No problem, yes, no problem at all. Because if there is a problem Brunn will come and solve it. But there’s a slight problem with Brunn solving your problem because he has only one way to solve a problem. But this is not a problem as we’re juss conversing, my young compadre and I, we are talking to clarify a misconstruction.

ARON I’m sorry.

SING-SONG Wait a minute. This ain’t quite so simple. She’s the manager, ain’t she? And you’re an employee, aren’t you? Or am I mistaken? You are gettin paid to do as you’re told.

ILDIKO Leave it...

ARON I’m sorry, I apologise, Ildiko.

ILDIKO Ok. It’s alright.

SING-SONG No. We have to resolve this.

ILDIKO No, no, it’s alright.

(Brunn returns from the toilet.)

BRUNN The bogs are lovely sparkly clean over there. Hey! Whassup?

SING-SONG Let me introduce you to Aron, who probably cleans the toilets as well, so you can congratulate him. Oi! Where’s he gone?

ILDIKO (to Aron) Go, they’ll get off you in a minute. But they don’t like if you just leave them like this. C’mon. I’ll introduce you to Brunn. He’s the one in the whistle.

ARON Holy fuckin shit!

ILDIKO Excuse me?

ARON Fuckin hell!


ARON I don’t believe this! This can’t be true!

ILDIKO Do you know him?

ARON Oh no, not this!

ILDIKO What’s wrong with you?

(Aron washes the floor with his apron.)

ILDIKO (cont’d) This is Aron.

(Aron does not look up.)

ARON Good morning, sir. I feel blessed to meet you, sir.

ILDIKO Aron is studying to be a priest. One day we’re gonna be so proud of him.

BRUNN Nice to meet you.

(They try to shake hands, but the handshake becomes very clumsy, because Aron won’t look up.)

BRUNN (cont’d) Are you alright?

ARON I’m ok, thank you.

BRUNN Are you always so industrious?

ARON Absolutely, yes. You have to be because the punters are so filthy. They’d leave their brains behind and all, given half a chance, Christ on a bike.


BRUNN What did you say?

ARON That the punters are messy.

BRUNN I thought you phrased it differently.

(Aron stands up.)

ARON I don’t remember.

BRUNN I’ve got you, you little bleeder!

(Aron runs away knocking down trays and pushing down tables.)

(Brunn returns unsuccessfully, licking his finger.)

BRUNN (cont’d) Do you have a plaster? Your bleedin singing makes me crazy.


(Int. Fast food restaurant)

MONI Nervous?

SING-SONG Course not.

MONI Yes you are, you’re nervous.

SING-SONG I got a problem.

MONI Monetary?


MONI Ildiko?

SING-SONG Everything is alright with her.

MONI Does she know we’ve done the deed?


MONI Did she find out we’d been linking since?

SING-SONG Reckon I must be nuts to be seen with you here. You seeing her today?


SING-SONG Tell her the answer to my question is yes.

MONI Why don’t you ring her?

SING-SONG None a your business. What you gonna tell her?

MONI Easy. The answer’s yes.

SING-SONG Good memory.

MONI What was the question?

SING-SONG She asked me to marry her. And I’m answering the question.


MONI Why do I have to tell her?

SING-SONG Keep it together. I only asked to tell her yes.

MONI Or did you ask me not to tell her ?Why are you humming?

(They kiss.)

(Enter Brunn. He winces when he touches his finger. He stands at the door, troubled.)

SING-SONG It’s just a song.

(Brunn eats pizza. They don’t notice him.)



DOCTOR Imagine we lived in South America. Their morals and habits are different to ours.

MONI There are no saints in south America either.

DOCTOR Alright, let’s forget South America. Imagine your Ladyship falls in love.

MONI Ok let’s imagine.

DOCTOR And love bears fruit. The one you love is rich, award-winning motor vehicle, award winning house, award winning designer furniture, and your true love soars to the heavens in a heartbeat.

MONI You’re telling me I’m pregnant again.

DOCTOR We could put it like that.

MONI Shit.

DOCTOR What’s shit?

MONI The fruit of true love is shit. I can’t strap another baby round my auntie’s neck.

DOCTOR What about the award winning house?

MONI No. He works in the bar in the station. But he is an award winning darts thrower.

DOCTOR I must have confused him with the previous one.

MONI Sad to say, I confused them too. Easily done, they’re both rats.

DOCTOR I’m sad to hear this. Especially that he has no award winning house. Hearts mend easier on a well-kept lawn.

MONI Pregnant again. All the wonderful unique things that have happened to me are related to men, and I can’t think back on any of ‘em without throwing up. Any chance of a loan, Doc?

DOCTOR How much and what for?

MONI Guess.

DOCTOR For that, No! And I wouldn’t trust you with my money, anyway.



(Two in the pharmacy.)

MRS. MOLNAR S’cuse me. (into phone) Yes? Sell, for god’s sakes, sell everything. Don’t fuss.

BRUNN I only wanted to -

MRS. MOLNAR Just a second! (into phone) You’re only telling me this now? You’re lacking something, I swear... Sell everything now! How can you be such a dick!(to Brunn) The world is full of ass­holes! (into phone) Fuckin asshole! Sell them all ! Sell them all!

BRUNN A table fell on my finger.

MRS. MOLNAR Are you mad? You’re whingeing about your finger when my shares plummet!

(Brunn loses his patience and pulls a sawnoff shotgun.)

BRUNN Fuck this, everybody lie on the floor! Quick! Move!

MRS. MOLNAR Jesus Mary, take the money. The code for the drug cabinet is in the drawer..

BRUNN Shut up! Gimme all your bandaids in this shop!


(The street)

LACIKA You better think long and hard about this.

MONI Don’t worry. One sniff ain’t gonna hook me again.

LACIKA That’s what I said. Got off the charlie, then got back on the charlie. It will be like the best orgasm of your life.

MONI Don’t mention that.

LACIKA Aron said you’d fuck anything back in the day. Is this true? Did you sleep with all and sundry?

MONI I didn’t sleep with all and sundry.

LACIKA Why did you sleep with all and sundry?

MONI To prove to this guy that I didn’t give a shit about him... I fell hard for this guy who broke my heart.

(She sniffs a line of coke.)


LACIKA Did you like it?

MONI What is this shit?

LACIKA This shit is good shit. I boosted it from the hospital.

MONI This is by no means the best orgasm of my life.


(The street)

(Ildiko is trying on sunglasses from a stall.)

SING-SONG This business is going bellyup as well! I need time. I need time to pull myself together.

ILDIKO Are you addicted to her that much?

SING-SONG I don’t know what you’re talking about..

ILDIKO She’s not in love with you. She’s immature. She’ll fuck anybody.

SING-SONG I like her, that’s all.

ILDIKO She doesn’t like anybody. Even herself. She hates living.

SING-SONG You’ve misconstrued, doll.

ILDIKO I knew you’d do this one say. Is this really what you want to do?

SING-SONG But I love you.

ILDIKO You don’t love me anymore.

SING-SONG Who else would I love then?

ILDIKO You don’t love me anymore. It’s my fault. I’ll pack my stuff in the evening.

(Sing-Song exits.)

ILDIKO (cont’d) You cowardly, cowardly bastard!

(Ildiko destroys the sunglass stand.)


(Front gate)

ILDIKO You didn’t need to walk me home but I do appreciate your kindness, old whassyerface..

ARON Iss a rough manor.

ILDIKO Damn straight. Give you an example, the other day rubbish men were a day late, they don’t even sweep up round here anymore. In the end I’ll probably slip, I suppose.

LACIKA When you sober up, leaning on the wall...

ILDIKO I never want to lean on the wall.

LACIKA I can just see you leaning on the wall.

ARON You stay there.

LACIKA You don’t know what you’re doing. You’ll wake up waist deep in cement.

ARON Get off!

ILDIKO Well, uh..

(She opens her front door.)

(She is going to invite him in, but changes her mind.)

ARON Wicked fitted carpet. That is a very rare pattern.

ILDIKO Perhaps another time you can take a closer look.

ARON I’ll take a look now. I’ve got a first class honours degree in fitted carpets.

(Ildiko shuts the door in his face.)

(Lacika is waiting round the corner.)

ARON (cont’d) (Alone, loudly so Lacika hears) Forget it, Ildiko! I know you’re vulnerable right now, but you know I can’t come in, I like you a lot, but it’s late and we’re better off as friends, trust me, we are, don’t cry, don’t go crazy, please!

(Ildiko pops her head out the door and looks at him astonished.)


(Street. Cash machine)

MONI I’m sorry.

BRUNN For what?

MONI I stepped under your feet.

BRUNN Don’t worry about it. We all make mistakes, we’re human at the end of the day.

MONI I’m not so sure.


BRUNN You’ve very lucky you know, babe. I’m shading you from this brutal wind with my body. How unpleasant to stand in the brutal wind, but not for people who have people standing behind them, babe.

MONI Since when can you call me babe?

BRUNN I apologise, madam. You’re right. How lucky you are to queue in front of me, not so nice for others in the queue, but not for you madam, who is shaded from the wind, just unpleasant for others. (beat) Looks like rain. (beat) Are you going out with your girlfriends?

MONI What do you mean?

BRUNN You taking out money for a night on the razz?

MONI Asshole, I’m takin out money for an abortion. If I have enough. Now you have all the frikkin information you need.


MONI Yes, oops.

BRUNN I have bad luck with women.

MONI I have bad luck with men.

BRUNN So (beat) You’re pregnant.

MONI Anything else you wanna know about me?

BRUNN Wait a minute, don’t go away. Let me call you later after you’ve.... done your business.

MONI The lights are on, but nobody home.

BRUNN They’re home. I wanted you from the moment I first saw you. Thass why I trod on your toes.

MONI He’s lost his mind, this fella!

BRUNN I know you from Ildiko’s restaurant.

MONI Pleased to meet you.

(Moni tries to buy canned beer from a machine.)

MONI (cont’d) This is a piece of crap. Got any shrapnel?

BRUNN You’re related to Ildiko.

MONI Distantly.

(Brunn tries to force the back of the machine open.)

BRUNN Most of these are out of date.

MONI Fuck the date, is it cold, thass the main thing.

BRUNN No, no, no. You got to look after your health.

(He tries again.)

MONI Do you need a hand?

BRUNN I’ll manage.

(Moni kicks the machine.)

(Canned beer falls on Brunn.)

MONI I think.... I think the beers came out.


MONI Any of them not out of date?


MONI Wait! I’ll have one. Want one too?

BRUNN First off, I hate beer and I never drink it. Second, I’ve already had three.

(Brunn exits angry.)

MONI Are you angry now?


(The street)

LACIKA Didn’t know you like beer. I reckon Aron musta got you hooked.

MONI Tell me, do you think I can’t make up my own mind about things?

LACIKA You selling a car or something?

MONI That’s why I called you.

LACIKA Let’s make this perfectly clear. The car is not yours, you’re just selling it.

MONI If I’m selling it, then it’s mine. Where is he?


MONI Aron. I called him and all.

LACIKA Aron? Have you lost your mind?

MONI He sez the two a you buy stolen cars.

LACIKA Bloody shame. Big mistake.

MONI Why? Isn’t he involved?

LACIKA Yes, he is, but I’m the brains of the operation.

MONI Did you bring a deposit?

LACIKA Don’t worry! What if I don’t buy it?

MONI You’ll buy it cause you’ll like it.

LACIKA You guys were pretty much wrapped up in each other’s arms the other day.

MONI With Aron? He just asked me to the pictures.

LACIKA Did you go?

MONI Course not.

LACIKA He wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a woman, even if you gave him an instruction manual.

MONI You’re sayin this cause I didn’t go to the lido.

LACIKA I called you after, but no answer.

MONI We’ve been in Morocco.

LACIKA You don’t have to emigrate, it’s enough just to say no.

MONI You don’t quit, do you?

LACIKA Really? Do you mean you don’t like me pushing up on you?

MONI If I wanted to put it mildly, thass how I’d put it.

LACIKA I feel ashamed. I don’t dare look in your eyes.

MONI Please dare. Right now you’re looking at my tits.

LACIKA Oh, sorry. Didn’t notice them there. Well, congratulations, nice to know you’ve got a pair.

MONI That s’posed to be funny?

(Moni throws away her beer.)

MONI (cont’d) Come on then. Take a peek.

LACIKA Take a peek at what?

MONI Take a peek at the car, dummy! It’s two stops on the tube.

LACIKA I’ve told you, I’ve got to wait.

MONI Aron can look another time, let’s go.

LACIKA Did I mention you have to take it to a garage?

MONI I’m not going to drive it again.

LACIKA Ah. Problem. My licence has expired.

MONI Not my problem, your problem. I don’t get you. If the motor’s stolen, it doesn’t exactly matter if you got a licence or not.

LACIKA To be honest I never had a licence.

MONI Not my problem, your problem. Are you up for this or what?

LACIKA I told you, didn’t I? Bring it to the garage and we’ll see.

MONI If not?

LACIKA Not my problem, your problem.

MONI Where is this fool? I got a kid to feed.

LACIKA I never knew you got kids. Kids love me. They adore me. They’re nuts for me. And I’m the champ in any role, Father Christmas, The Snow Fairy, I’m the dog’s bollocks, snow fairy’s my star part, Halloween, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... Did I mention Father Christmas?

MONI I bet you don’t have the money with you. When you have the money, gimme a ring.

LACIKA Do you take American Express?

MONI You know what? Kiss my arse.

LACIKA Love to! My number is in the phonebook.


(The street)

ARON Has she gone?

LACIKA Yep. What could I do? The minute she heard you were coming, she exploded and left. Couldn’t keep her here. I’ll ring her tonight, then tomorrow I’ll check out her car. No rush.

ARON You know what, forget her.

LACIKA What do you want, mate? What the backside are you talking about? You can see that I’m good for her.

ARON I want her.

LACIKA Your problem, not my problem. You won’t get to ease up in those drawers. Ever. Hear what I said? Never ever ever.

ARON Listen, I don’t want it for free. Been chasing her for a year now. 10,000 florints cash in hand if you disappear from her life.


LACIKA You serious?

ARON S’what I said.



LACIKA Do you need an invoice?

ARON Are you retarded? Course I need an invoice. What would I tell my dad? That I forgot to ask for an invoice? My accountant can tell me how to claim it back. Do you have any idea?

(Aron dials on his mobile.)

ARON (cont’d) No problem I’ll ring him in the evening, he’ll think a something. My accountant is so sharp they get the DT’s at the Tax Office. You’d cry if you saw my tax form. I’ll lend it to you. You’ll cry.


(Luxurious flat)

ILDIKO Your child is crying.

MONI I can’t help her. I don’t know how.

ILDIKO Go to her, Moni.

MONI My name is Anke.

ILDIKO Thass some foolishness from your Grandma. Your name is Moni.

MONI I’ll find her.

ILDIKO She’s next door.

MONI Not the kid. My mother.

ILDIKO We’ve gone over this already.

MONI She’s in Columbia. Or Venezuela. She’s been running a guest­house for fifteen years.


ILDIKO Moni... You and I both know she’s probably dead.

MONI No. Not true. She rang me every Christmas when I was a kid.

ILDIKO It was a friend of mine. I made her ring you. Stupid of me, I know.

MONI You’re all liars. I’ll find her. I’ll fly there and find her.

ILDIKO And you want to ask me for money too?

MONI I have my own money, thank you.

ILDIKO Don’t lie. You’re brassick.

MONI Only one liar here and that’s you. Why you looking at me like that? If you got something to say, say it.

ILDIKO Nothing. I’ve only been watching you.


(In front of a shop.)

(The boys are sitting on one big bag each, deep into a game of chess.)

ARON I don’t like all these people staring at us.

LACIKA He’ll be here in a minute.

ARON Make a move.

LACIKA Wait. I’m having a think. Don’t sweat it. Which colour am I?

ARON Black.

LACIKA Black depresses me.

ARON Your old man still in Germany?

LACIKA What do you wanna know for? This piece has no head! Do you chew on them or something?

ARON How long since he pushed up? Seven, eight, or even ten years? I feel for your mum. He ain’t coming back.

LACIKA Worry about your own mum, ok? Understand? And it’s only been five years since he pushed up.

ARON Oi! Put that back on the board!

LACIKA You think I was cheating? The thing just fell off, nothing to do with me. I was just going to put it back . You really thought I was cheating? Look at this face.

ARON Shutchour mouth.

LACIKA Why am I even talking to a bishop-eating dickhead?

ARON Chill. Focus. You’re about to be obliterated.

LACIKA Sitting on radios hurts my ass.

ARON Stop bitching. I’m sitting on this grille and it’s put a pattern on my arse.

LACIKA This guy ever gonna show? I’m slowly turning to stone.

ARON Whass your dad been doing in Germany for five years?

LACIKA Building site.

ARON What’s he been doing in a building site for five years ?

LACIKA Setting up iron bars for reinforced concrete.

ARON I’d go nuts if I had to set up iron bars on a building site for five years.

LACIKA I hope he never comes home. Fucker used to batter me when I was a kid.

ARON So fucking what? No big deal.

LACIKA It’s better if he stays the fuck away from me.

ARON What a shame. I can understand it, though. He took a look at you, got disappointed and battered you. I’d do the same. Did you listen to his wisdom? Was your education any use? He takes his eye off you for a minute and you start boosting motors, shithead.

LACIKA Who the fuck are you to say this to me?

ARON Don’t matter what you do. All the girls go on the game and guys like you become lowlife thieves.

LACIKA Are you really saying this to me ? You can’t be serious?

ARON Check!

LACIKA Anyone can say check.

ARON But I’m saying it.

LACIKA Then I’ll say it too. Check!

ARON But my check is a real check, cause your king is in the shit. I could knock it over.

LACIKA Knock it over then. It’s been a hassle from the beginning.

ARON You can’t knock a king over.

LACIKA Why can’t you when you can! You make me laugh. There you go, I’ve knocked him over myself. Now I can see the board so much clearer. Now that I can see the board, I think I’ll resign.

ARON I can’t believe you sometimes! If I want shit from you, I’ll squeeze your head. Come on, let’s grab something.

LACIKA What about the radios?

ARON Bring them then! You wouldn’t think I’d leave twenty car stereos for a snake to steal them. You can’t trust anybody nowadays. Everyone steals, cheats, lies, the scumbags! Let’s grab something before it upsets me.

LACIKA What about the grilles?

ARON No one needs those. Let’s go munch two burger somewhere.

LACIKA That’ll make your hair fall out.

ARON What are you, a michelin guide?

LACIKA I don’t want to lose my hair.


(Same place)

(Three of them in the same place)

ARON Finally!

LACIKA There you go, s’what we talked about. And also...

SING-SONG Ok. Wait a minute. My car’s been stolen. I’ll kill the fucker. How fuckin dare he? He don’t know who he’s dealing with. But his judgement day is nigh. If you hear anything around the manor... A blue Lancia, letter ‘M’ engraved into the wind­shield.

LACIKA Double row of brake lights?

SING-SONG Double row of brake lights, yes.

LACIKA Split on the front bumper?

SING-SONG Split on the front bumper, yes.

LACIKA Scratch on the left back door?

SING-SONG Scratch on the left back door yes. You seen it?

LACIKA Nope. Have you?

ARON I can’t even picture it.

LACIKA I don’t think they have cars like that in this town.

(The boys put the bags full of stolen goods into the shop.)

SING-SONG Wait here for me.

(Sing-Song goes into the shop.)

(The two of them)

LACIKA I’ll kill her, that fucking bitch! I’ll kill her directly.

ARON Fuck’s sakes stop with the swearing. Told you before.

LACIKA I paid her with no questions asked.

ARON The scheming little minx! Oh Christ on a bike, she’s skanked us!

LACIKA What are you talking about, it was my money!

ARON Your money, but my idea. You couldn’t do a thing without me, dickhead, you’re lost without me, in the abundance of water the fool is thirsty and that makes you a thirsty fool.

LACIKA It was a very good idea, I’ll give you that.

(Sing-Song enters and pays them.)

SING-SONG Now piss off.

(The boys smile gratefully.)

(Sing-Song exits.)

LACIKA I’ll kill her, I’ll kill her, I’ll kill her! What did she need the money for?

ARON Plane ticket. You told her you liked her two new suitcases.

LACIKA I’ll send her to South America in her two frikkin suitcases.


(Luxurious flat)

(Ildiko and Moni)

ILDIKO Don’t let him drink too much coffee. No sugar, but be sure to pour the milk first, and remember he hates cream. If you already made the coffee, heat it up, but careful not to boil it, otherwise it goes bitter. And don’t put any sugar in it, or have I said that before?

MONI I only...

ILDIKO Oh yes, the sex. Try not to feel anything and do what he tells you to do in the sack, even if you’re pissed off at him. Though, I think you may have your own experiences in this area.

MONI I should never have come. I didn’t want to meet you.

ILDIKO It wasn’t you who wanted it, it was me who wanted it, sweetheart. Sing-Song ran through it for me. All of it.

(Moni packs her clothes.)

MONI Him and me.... we are not an item. I was with him once then he kicked me to the kerb.

ILDIKO You’ll be together, soon. He got separated, owing to his conscience, he suffers a while because he’s weak, and also because he enjoys a good suffer. Where was I? Oh yeah, in the sack. It’s fair to say he’s not gentle. You probly already know it hurts. Now listen to me...

(Ildiko has been packing for Moni.)

MONI I thought you wanted to say something else.

ILDIKO What else would I say?


(Run down flat)

(Doorbell rings. Moni opens the door.)

LACIKA You stole Sing-Song’s car?

MONI I just had to go in the bistro for the car keys.

LACIKA Did you steal it?

MONI I just told you.

LACIKA I must be tripping. She stole Sing-Song’s car. You hearing this?

ARON Let’s focus on what to do with it now.

LACIKA Obviously we have to strip it down. What am I saying? I’ll kill you, you hear?

ARON Moni, did you hear what he just said?

MONI Want me to strip it down now and all?

ARON Where you going?

MONI Don’t you touch that bag!

LACIKA See! She’s been sitting on a suitcase. Going on a little cruise, darling?

MONI Fuck off!

LACIKA Maybe she’s on the rag. That’s why she’s so jumpy. Wouldn’t you be jumpy if you were her?

ARON Now that you mention it, I most probably would.

LACIKA You fucked us over, you little fuck.

MONI You’ll get your money back, but not now, alright?

LACIKA You fucked us over and you’re gonna pay.

MONI Aron...

ARON I honestly think you’d be better off postponing your trip.

LACIKA How didgy you are! Had a row with your old dear?

MONI She’s not my old dear. She’s nothing to me.

LACIKA Now that you bring it up, I’m didgy too.

ARON Moni, you’ll have to sell that plane ticket.

MONI Non-refundable. I can’t sell it.

LACIKA I’d get it done if I were you.

MONI Let me go.

(Lacika laughs hysterically then suddenly stops.)

LACIKA You hearing all this? You gimme joke. (menacingly) You’d better get that refund. Whose car did you sell us? Sing-Song’s prowling through the whole town, rang all the second hand car dealers, and I’ve hid it in a moody lock-up next door, which anyone can discover like that (snaps fingers), and you reckon we’re gonna let you slip through our fingers?

ARON I got it. She’ll return the car. And then she’ll pay the money back to you sometime.

MONI I don’t want to take it back.

LACIKA Not bad thinking at all.

MONI I don’t want to take it back.

LACIKA You have to.

MONI And then will you let me go ?

ARON Yes. Soon as you take his car back.

MONI I’ll miss my plane.

ARON You’ll make it in time.

MONI How am I gonna make it, you mug?

LACIKA How she gonna make it?

ARON We should give her a hand. We are human beings too, at the end of the day.

(Moni is crying.)

(Aron gestures her to be silent, then makes a phone call.)

ARON (cont’d) Airport? Who are you? Ok, ok, I’ve got something important to say. I’d like to inform you of an incendiary device at the airport. A bomb. A bomb. That’s right, a bomb. Have a look in the corner. The left one, thass right. Best to hurry it up a notch. (hangs up) Piece a piss. Works every time I’m running late.

LACIKA I hope you realise you’re fucked.


LACIKA You don’t know them. They’ll find out who did it. They’ll grill you to death.

MONI They’ve already done that.


MONI The one-word ape Brull, whatever. He said I must have seen dodgy characters sniffing around the coats.

LACIKA Iss juss their nature to be heartless.

MONI So, I had to say something. They didn’t believe that I’d seen nobody. Really sorry but the first name sprung into my head was yours.

LACIKA Them geezas ain’t polite when they’re backed into a corner. (pause) What?

MONI I gave them your name, because nobody knows you.

LACIKA Holy shit!

MONI They had to figure out who you were anyway.

LACIKA I’m a goner, I’m a goner! I’m a walking corpse! I’m a dead man!



LACIKA Oh my god, I’ve stolen the mafia’s car!

ARON Easy, Lacika. Wait til sundown, we’ll sneak to the car park, strip down the motor, flog as much as we can, then disappear. You first.

LACIKA Jesus Mary please forgive our trespasses as we trespass on those who forgive us...

ARON What the fuck you doing?

LACIKA I’m praying.

ARON Way too late for that. You’re a dead man walking.

LACIKA JesusMary!

ARON Wasting your time. Better if you hang yourself.

LACIKA JesusMary JesusMaryJesusMary!

ARON Repeat after me; I’m a dead man, I’m a dead man. So you have time to get used to it.

LACIKA I can’t!

ARON Practise then. The meditation will help when they nail your fingers to the floorboards.

LACIKA I’m a dead man.

ARON Don’t shout. I’m watching telly.

LACIKA I’m a dead man. I’ve already died.


(The street)

(Two of them in the street. Aron is carrying beer cans.)

ARON But it’s in the car park!

LACIKA I know.

ARON And you were too chicken to pick it up from there.

LACIKA What am I supposed to say? Excuse me, let me take the blue Lancia, it belongs to the mafia? There’s a battalion of cops around it, you fuckin neek.

ARON Did you send Moni to pick it up, then?

LACIKA She should be so lucky. She took it there, she should go get it. Then we snatch the loot and dust out.

ARON You’ve lost your mind, no doubt. She ain’t coming back!


LACIKA Do you think so?

(Moni enters.)

MONI Whassup, whatchou lot watching me for? Let’s go, I drove it somewhere safe.



(Two of them in the restaurant)

SING-SONG I gotta say I’m disappointed. It’s not a negligible detail. You should have told me at the beginning there might be a problem. You got me worried.

POLICEMAN No worries, mate, I promise.

SING-SONG When will I get back what belongs to me?

POLICEMAN We’ll sort it.

SING-SONG (calmly) No, no, no. I’m still worrying.

POLICEMAN Three of the boys are working on the stolen car’s cases.

SING-SONG That’s not my concern.

POLICEMAN Slight problem, though. If someone else from the police come, then I’m fucked.

SING-SONG Life’s a bitch.

POLICEMAN If I’m fucked, then you’re fucked. If you see other coppers there, you are in deep doo-doo.

SING-SONG Are you threatening me?

POLICEMAN We can sort it, but it won’t be easy. And it will cost you extra.

SING-SONG You already settled on a price.

POLICEMAN That’s in the past.

SING-SONG You came out with an offer and I accepted it.

POLICEMAN This amount won’t get it done. It can be done, but not for this amount.

SING-SONG You wanna different solution?

POLICEMAN Sort it if you think you’re capable.

(Sing-song gestures to Brunn, who has a gun.)

POLICEMAN (cont’d) Holy shit! You got a deal!

SING-SONG You have twenty four hours to get back what belongs to me.

(The Policeman, pale as a ghost, disappears.)


(Int. Street)

(Two of them in the evening in the street.)

ARON Can you manage?

MONI The carburettor’s fucked.

ARON Well done.

MONI Just because I’m a woman. I can mend a carburettor.

ARON Most probly can. But this is a water-pump.

MONI (confidently) May well be. But when I started it was a carburettor.

(Aron works on the car.)

MONI (cont’d) I’m coming to the conclusion the world is full of rats. Ain’t never getting married. Hardest thing in the world is to find a guy that’s not a prick. But even when you find one, his secreta­ry’s gonna steal him. Then you need a lawyer to make him see what a nasty asshole he’s been. But the hardest thing is to find a decent man, secretary or no secretary. Because they’re either such idiots that they can’t tie their own laces, or they treat you real sweet and then turn out to be gay. My theory is that all the good ones will turn gay, because they’ll get fed up with the women. Can’t say I blame them.

ARON Am I stealing this car or you?

MONI Me, of course.

ARON Then why am I stealing it?

MONI You’re better at it.



(Two of them in the same place. Lacika enters, zipping up his flies.)


ARON I made her get some beer, to stop her being such a feminist.

LACIKA Nice one. Bitch. (beat) What’s a feminist?

ARON It means she’s a good shag, idiot.

LACIKA See the difference a good education makes. No, really, I mean it. The big words breed success. In this day and age only an ignorant zombie would ask ‘You wanna drink’ instead of ‘Are you a feminist?’

ARON Hold that torch, fuck’s sakes.

LACIKA I could do with a nice juicy feminist for a night. I’d love one.

(They lie out the engine together, groaning.)

LACIKA (cont’d) I saw the world’s greatest film last Tuesday. One of the teachers screened it in the assembly room. It was all about venereal diseases. Blew my fuckin mind, it did.

ARON Our school showed a film every year about how to fuck and stuff. First time I saw it, primary school, I thought, well sex is a tough job. It looked like a surgical operation. Then questions with the teacher, and one doctor bird, but her tits were so flat, I didn’t bother with questions ‘cause I thought there’s no way she could have a clue about sex. Went like this for years and years. That moron Ferike went on about a guy who got VD and lost his dick in a horror-porn movie, but she had nothing to say on this at all. I reckon she weren’t even a doctor, or if she was one, she didn’t learn fuckall at the university.

LACIKA That’s why I wouldn’t be a woman.


LACIKA They have periods.

ARON That’s just them bitching.

LACIKA Ok, but giving birth is not a dinner party.

ARON They just make a big deal about it! I was given birth to, and it wasn’t a big deal.

LACIKA I was born with a ceasarean.

ARON And? What was it like?

LACIKA No big deal.



(Aron and Moni dismantling a car.)

(Policeman pulls up next to them on a motorbike.)

POLICEMAN Morning. Wanna tell me why you’re dismantling this car?

ARON That bike is heavy, geez!

POLICEMAN Well? I’m all ears.

ARON It’s my mate’s car. He asked me if I had time to take it apart.

POLICEMAN I see. Did he also ask you to take a hammer to his shock absorber?

ARON By specific request.

POLICEMAN Fascinating. Papers, please.

ARON It’s not worth the looking, mate.

POLICEMAN Papers, please.

ARON My mate’s got ‘em.

POLICEMAN Your ID, please.

ARON Also with my friend. I find it’s better to keep everything in one place, don’t you?

(Enter Lacika.)

LACIKA Is there a problem, officer?

POLICEMAN Are you this kid’s friend?

LACIKA We’re on exceptionally good terms.

POLICEMAN Is this your car, sir?

LACIKA Of course, yes.

POLICEMAN Documents, please.

LACIKA That bike is heavy, geez!

POLICEMAN Documents, please.

LACIKA Aron, do you have them?

ARON No, you have them.

LACIKA Oh yeah, I do have ‘em! This is a work of art, this bike! What’s the top speed? When you really open her up?

ARON Lacika, don’t keep the gentleman waiting, I’m sure he has lot to do.

MONI I got nothin to do with this lot. I was just passing through.

POLICEMAN But spare a moment with us, please.

LACIKA Can I have a go on the bike?

POLICEMAN (into his walkie-talkie) 2-10-4. Send a car. Ujlak Street, behind the tower blocks. At the garages. I said Ujlak Street.

LACIKA This is Szent Kristof Street.

ARON Shut up, the officer knows it better than you.

POLICEMAN Hands on the bonnet.

LACIKA There’s no bonnet left. Where have you put the bonnet?

ARON It’s in the corner.

POLICEMAN Where are you going?

LACIKA To the corner, for the bonnet.

POLICEMAN On the floor! Quick!

LACIKA On my back or my stomach?

ARON I hate to interrupt you, but someone is speaking on your walkie-speakie.

POLICEMAN (into walkie-talkie) I don’t know the number. Ujlak Street.

LACIKA Szent Kristof street.

ARON I wanna bike like this!

POLICEMAN I said on the floor!

LACIKA How come she doesn’t have to lie on the floor?

(Lacika lies down on his back with a big fuss.)


MONI My clothes will get all dirty. Don’t you care about that?


MONI Are you gonna pay my laundry bill?

POLICEMAN You. Open the boot.


ARON Why are you looking at me now?

POLICEMAN Why? It’s your car. Open the boot.

(Lacika opens the boot. They all look inside.)


ARON Oh shit! Thass all we need!

(Moni slams the boot on the policeman’s hands. Policeman screams in pain.)

(Aron grabs a bag and runs away with Moni. Lacika is caught by the Policeman.)

LACIKA I don’t know them, I never seen them before in my life, I was just walking along, walking my dog, popped out for a paper.

(Policeman waggles his fingers in pain.)

POLICEMAN Shut it. Hands on the car. Spread your legs. (into walkie-talkie) No, no, two got away. Yes, sir.

LACIKA How could I be such a prick?

POLICEMAN (walkie talkie) How can you be such a prick, I told you Ujlak Street.

LACIKA Szent Kristof Street.

POLICEMAN (walkie-talkie) Shut up, you don’t even have a dog!

LACIKA I really am a prick!

Directory: 04100

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