Cannot base characters off The Who's drummer Keith Moon. · A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument



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Cannot base characters off The Who's drummer Keith Moon.

· A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.

· There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.

· My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.

· Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1-pt professional skills.

· Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

· Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.

· 'How to Serve Dragons' is not a cookbook.

· My monk's lips must be in sync.

· Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.

· Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.

· Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.

· Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliché they are.

· Ogres are not kosher.

· Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

· I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.

· Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a superhero.

· When surrendering, I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

· Drow are not good eating.

· Polka is not appropriate marching music.

· No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.

· There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

· Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.

· Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.

· The green elf does not need food badly.

· Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.

· I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.

· The Goddess of Marriage's chosen weapon is not the whip.

· I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.

· I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.

· The backup trap-handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

· I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.

· There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'.

· I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.

· I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.

· I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.

· They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.

· When investigating evil cultists, I'm not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

· Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.

· Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.

· Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.

· Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.

· No longer allowed to set Nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.

· Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1-pt skills.

· My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.

· Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.

· They do not make Nair in Wookiee sizes.

· The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

· Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.

· Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.

· No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.

· My bard does not know how to play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on maracas.

· Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.

· Cannot pimp out other party members.

· Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.

· No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.

· In the middle of a black op, I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.

· Expended ammunition is not a business expense.

· Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.

· Not allowed to short-sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.

· Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.

· I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.

· No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.

· My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".

· There is no Summon Bimbo spell.

· Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.

· There is no Kung Fu maneuver "McGuire Swings For The Bleachers".

· Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.

· There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.

· Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.

· There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.

· Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.

· Not allowed to name my cudgel 'Ceremonial Whoopass Stick'.

· My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live".

· Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".

· I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.

· I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.

· Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.

· I am not liquid metal.

· When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.

· A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.

· Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

· My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.

· Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220-lb pull crossbow.

· Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.

· Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.

· There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.

· My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.

· The elf's name is not Legolam.

· My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.

· A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.

· The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".

· I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.

· I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.

· I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.

· No making up polearms.

· My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.

· There is no such thing as Speed Polka.

· Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.

· When told any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.

· I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.

· I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.

· There is no such thing as a +3 Club of Cup Checks.

· Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.

· I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.

· I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

· There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.

· No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.

· Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.

· Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.

· I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.

· If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.

· My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.

· The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the Bag of Holding once.

· My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.

· Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final supervillain showdown.

· I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.

· I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.

· My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.

· Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.

· I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services, Inc.

· The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.

· Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.

· I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.

· Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.

· Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.

· Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.

· Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.

· Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.

· I am not authorized to form the head.

· Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.

· There is no such feat called "Death Blossom".

· My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.

· The King's Guards' official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt".

· I cannot demand payment in electrum, back rubs or bubble wrap.

· I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.

· I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.

· If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.

· My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'.

· The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.

· My maid does not know kung fu.

· Not allowed to give a 4-year-old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.

· Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.

· There is no such thing as pleather armor.

· I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.

· Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.

· Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.

· There is no Gnomish Death Grip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.

· Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.

· Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.

· Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.

· When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.

· I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.

· I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.

· I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.

· When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half-elf is not our first option.

· Any capital-scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.

· I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.

· Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.

· I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.

· I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

· Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.

· Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.

· I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.

· I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's crystals to see if they notice.

· Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.

· I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.

· I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.

· I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.

· I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.

· My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur".

· At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.

· I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.

· There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.

· I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.

· I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Islet of Langerhans.

· Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.

· There are no profanities in Celestial.

· Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.

· I have neither the touch nor the power.

· I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.

· No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

· There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.

· A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.

· My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.

· No cutting line to be a god.

· I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.

· I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.

· Tourettes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

· Dual-wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.

· My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.

· If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.

· Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.

· When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.

· I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.

· I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.

· My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.

· Not allowed to steal my own soul.

· My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'.

· I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.

· My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.

· Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tone-deaf, Karaoke, Musician.

· My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.

· I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.

· My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.

· I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.

· The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

· I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.

· My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.

· My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.

· If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.

· If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.

· I am not the patron saint of common sense.

· There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.

· They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.

· There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagen.

· If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.

· No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.

· In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".

· I am not the master of the low blow or the gang-up.

· If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.

· Druids are not against my religion.

· I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.

· I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?

· I am forbidden from monologuing.

· Troll bubblegum... bad idea.

· My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."

· I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WWII.

· Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.

· There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.

· I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.

· It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.

· If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.

· My character does not get d34 HP a level.

· My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.

· My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.

· Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.

· My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.

· Ditto for the Rockerboy.

· Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.

· Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.

· Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.

· Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.

· Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.

· Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.

· I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always-naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.

· If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.

· There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

· If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.

· Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

· I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.

· I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.

· If the other party members forget to take any food-prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.

· I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line-up, the candy aisle of Kroger's, the Miss America Pageant.

· I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.

· The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers.

· I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.

· There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5.

· My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.

· Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.

· The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.

· When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.

· Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.

· I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather-clad, oiled down with big bosoms.

· It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.

· At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.

· I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.

· Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.

· My character cannot hear the soundtrack.

· I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.

· Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.

· No skill allows specialization in defenestrating.

· No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.

· I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.

· I must remember at dinner time that Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.

· I must remember at dinner time that Log is not an elven delicacy.

· My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.

· Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.

· I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.

· Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.

· I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.

· Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.

· I have been assured with total certainty that Ralph is not a Japanese name.

· When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.

· I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the Hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.

· No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.

· When asked for advice before a fight, "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.

· I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.

· My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.

· I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.

· I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.

· I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.

· Clown shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.

· My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.

· When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.

· I cannot make called shots with a crew-served weapon.

· I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Year's and tell them they are Roman candles.

· Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.

· I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.

· I cannot give the rebel operatives the code names Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

· May not play a swarm of piranha in any genre.

· Blind taste-testing is not an accepted method of shopping for weapons.

· No longer allowed to take the new tank for a joyride through the minefield.

· "Killing a man just to watch him die" is not acceptable behavior in Shangri-La.

· Not allowed to tell the King to shake my hand after I spit on it to close a deal.

· Noogies and royalty do not match.

· Swinging from chandeliers into the bar brawl is perfectly fine for a swashbuckler, but not for my unarmored halfling accountant.

· Especially when he's swinging the payroll sack as a weapon.

· Gelatinous cubes do not make "Chef's Dessert Surprise".

· I am not allowed to get into a human-eating contest with a Shoggoth and go though with it.

· Not allowed to use tac nukes to clear rooms.

· Definitely not allowed to taunt the Cybertank with the line "Big deal, you're only CR 2!"

· Must not call Gandalf the White... Gandy, Gandork, or "that thief with use magic item skill".

· Must not taunt Elrond with any "Mister Anderson" or "Mister Bilbo" jokes and impressions.

· Must not use Palantirs and crystal balls as catapult ammo.

· Paladins cannot using dead, plague ridden animals as a means of conversion.

· Not allowed to call artillery fire on own grid square to test the trenches.

· Nitroglycerine juggling is not a way to kill time on watch.

· Ten overall levels in not kosher.



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