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COLLECTED IN 1992

Just say no to war.

Unsound.

Silence is the voice of complicity.

Pot is a weed. Bush is a dope.

Pray for me. I drive on U.S. 19.

It takes a fool to chase one.

Stop solar power. Mutants for a nuclear society. Village

idiots for a toxic environment.

Simulation nation.

Women should come with instructions.

Truth is stranger than fishing.

It's not over till the fat man melts.

Keep your humor dry.

Oh, look. Godot is here.

Don't tell people your problems. 20% don't care, and the

other 80% are glad.

Help! I've tripped and I can't get down.

Wimp, and proud of it.

It's not downhill after 40. It's more like a bobsled to hell.

National Elvis Day.

If dogs sweat with their tongues, what are their armpits for?

Having twins is God's way of saying, "You'll never

sleep again."

Go to heck.

Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.

Wolves, not cows.

Stumps don't lie.

Susanism.

Fast, cheap, good. Pick any two.

The beatings will continue till morale improves.

Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Beware the ice of March.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have fought and lost.

Kill the lawyers first.

Read my lips: no new promises.

Housewives do it for free.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and

car keys to teenage boys.

The fat lady sang.

L.A. is the gang capitol of the world: the Bloods, the Crips,

the Cops....

It doesn't take a very big oven to produce a half-baked idea.

My wife's a perfect 10: a 4 who looks real good after a

6-pack.

I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, but only

way off to the side.

I'm for foreign aid, and the sooner we get it the better.

Unscented perfume comes in empty bottles.

I don't need help. I just need more credit.

I'm having deja vu all over again.

I don't care what you say. Just mention my name.

My husband doesn't have stress, but he's a carrier.

I want it all, but I'd settle for some.

5 out of 4 Americans have trouble with subtraction.

I'm not drinking again. I never stopped.

If you aren't content with what you have, be thankful for

what you've escaped.

Just did it.

The more I learn about men, the more I like my dog.

Honk if I'm on fire.

I'm a man of vision: 20/100.

Any kind of growth really irritates me.

You're not going to heaven. There's a dress code.

Twinkies: be all you can weigh.

Give eggs a break.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

The only gun control is hitting what you aim at.

People say I'm crazy, but out there Hussein?

Raised by humans.

I've seen the future, and I can't afford it.

Guns don't kill people. Holes kill people.

Happiness is coming!

Pack light.

The most violent element in society is ignorance.

Do not go gentle into that good night. Go armed.

Why does a woman have a pair of panties and just one bra?

Vote Republican. It's easier than thinking.

God loves the Blazers.

Run Ross, Run!

You gotta have art.

I don't believe in casual sex. I always try as hard as

I can.

Why does God's work cost so much? The devil does his

for free.

Vote for Jesus.

Anything worth knowing can't be taught in a classroom.

Da feat da Bulls!

There's no limit to the good we could do if it weren't for

the fear of being shot.

Life is horrible, and far too short.

If you're going to hell, it helps to know the language.

To air is human, to glide divine.

Bush was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Out of the closet, but not into the cabinet.

Jesus is coming, in October 1992.

Bowlers are steroid-free.

There's a fine line between gardening and madness.

I love chaos.

John Gotti goes to the only high school in America where

none of the students have guns.

It doesn't take a fool to see what's going on here,

but I do.

Just say noe.

The devil's in the details.

Protected by sealant.

I'd go water-skiing if I could find a downhill lake.

Inhalers for Clinton. 52

Riker and Picard in '92. Make it so.

I read Indoorsman Magazine.

No matter how nasty I am, remember I'm holding back.

Nein on 9.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I love EVA.

I inhaled.

Straight but not narrow. Vote no on 9.

That's not a bald spot. I'm solar powered.

Be green.

Al Gore is an old person's idea of a young person.

Love they neighbors. Don't eat them.

I need remedial kareoke.

If a fool and his money are soon parted, how did they get

together in the first place?

My humility is one of the things that makes me great.

Kiss my tattoo.

Sincerity is the secret. When you can fake that, you've got

it made.

Born to bunjee!

Oh, well....

Perot is a hand grenade with a bad haircut.

Nebraska is proof hell is full.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different

result.

Just be sleazy.

Read my lips. No new taxis.

Homos are sapiens too.

I never get lost. I change where I want to go.

Annoy the media. Re-elect President Bush.

The Penguins kick ice.

Prevent Trojanobyl.

Bye, bye, Bush.

Stop nukey pooh-pooh.

Robin Hood for president.

There's no fortress so strong money can't take it.

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

Hillary for first lady.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's where you go after

the game.

Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for.

Imagine your ad here.

Really annoy the media: Quayle-Limbaugh '96.

Money isn't everything, unless it's yours.

Hell without the free heat.

When you unzip a man's pants, his brains fall out.

Truth is found by the few.

Whipped, and proud of it.

A lawyer's work is never done. He sees to that.

If there were one wrong way to hook up my VCR, I'd have

found it on the first try.

Cat lovers against the bomb.

Nobody will leave you alone till you want company.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If there's no alternative, there's no problem.

Never believe anything till it's officially denied.

I came. I saw. I refinanced.

Wait, there's a harder way.

Hell is where you go after you die, and all the ideas you ever

forgot come back to you.

There's a fine line between pessimism and realism.

It's always rush hour.

If we can't fix it, it ain't busted.

Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right.

Famous mediocrity.

Time flies when you're under indictment.

Never give a bad check to a locksmith.

I brake for snakes.

Crack kills. Pot giggles.

We don't need change. We need tens and twenties.

Blacks and whites need each other. We're the only ones left

who speak english.

I'm a natural slob.

Don't eat the seed corn.

There's a name for Democrats with money: Republicans.

Wild women don't get the blues.

If God had wanted us to vote, He'd have given us candidates.

The truth will ouch.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore

like an idiot.

I make mistakes. I'm the second to admit it.

Everything is interesting. Only a couple are important.


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