COLLECTED IN 1989
Beam me up, Scottie. There's no intelligent life down here.
beer bellies are made
, not born.
The future isn't what it used to be.
Love your enemies. It'll drive them nuts.
If it's white and slippery, ski on it.
I love my wife.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all the time
, but you can't fool Mom.
If God meant me to cook, why'd He invent restaurants?
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Love is being stupid together and not caring.
The trouble with the ratrace is that even if you win, you're
still a rat.
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those who are in
touch with it.
What you don't know won't
, only you won't know it.
There's no cure for birth and death but to enjoy the interval.
Fashion can be bought. Style one must possess.
Another Mormon on drugs.
In search of the eternal buzz.
Friends don't let friends drive Fords.
Life's a shit sandwich. If you have more bread, you eat less shit.
Skateboarding is not a crime.
A bell is a cup till it's struck.
By the time your kids are fit to live with, they're
Fun is the most important discipline of all.
I got lei'd in Hawaii.
Robin Hood was right.
I'm still chasing women, but I no longer remember why.
End discrimination. Hate everyone.
Just say more.
I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow.
Having wonderful wish. Time you were here.
Use contraception. The unborn will bless you.
Virtue can hurt you.
Heaven for bliss. Hell for blisters.
Help stamp out philately.
Never lend money. It gives people amnesia.
Eliminate government waste, no matter what it costs.
Improve prisons. Send a better class of people there.
As soon as
we find out ignorance is bliss
, it isn't.
Sometimes all the early bird gets is up.
It's a wise child who knows less than his father.
Remember the first time you had sex? Isn't it a shame you
Real kids don't eat spinach.
Honk if you're carrying Steve Garby's baby.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
when first we practice to
I'm firm-willed, you're stubborn, he's pig-headed.
takes two to make a quarrel
, and three to make it
Money doesn't buy happiness. The man with twenty million
is no happier than the one with nineteen.
Nuke the gay whales.
If there's no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
Be kind to your mind.
Alan Thicke for president.
If I can't take it with me, I'm not going.
A kinder and gentler police state.
I brake for porkrinds.
hard to avoid feeling grateful
, but I manage.
Sometimes you're the pigeon. Sometimes you're the statue.
Gorby for president.
Denial is not a river in Africa.
Rahabilitate the military.
Love is fab.
I used to want to save the world. Now I just want to leave
the room with a little dignity.
There they go, and I must hurry after them, for I am
Alaskan malamute on board.
heaven or hell
, but you can see them both from here.
Jogging causes nymphomania.
I gave him the best weeks of my life.
I hate bumperstickers.
Just say no to television.
FEAR: Forgetting Everything's All Right.
More love, less attitude.
0 to 60 in fifteen minutes.
There's no blame. Only guilt.
SOUL: Source Of Undying Love.
Every day is Auschwitz for animals.
S&M means never having to say you're sorry.
Eat cheese or die.
Mondays should be outlawed.
I know Jack Shit.
When I die I'm going to the mall.
Life is an opportunity to praise God.
Nature bats last.
Save the rainforests.
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