EUGENE: It was my fourth day in the army and so far I hated everyone. . .We were on a filthy train from Fort Dix, New Jersey, to Biloxi, Mississippi, and in three days, nobody washed. The aroma was murder. We were supposed to be fighting Germany and Japan, but instead we were stinking up America. . .Roy Selfridge from Schenectady, New York, smelled like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the rain. He thought he had a terrific sense of humor, but it was hard to laugh at a guy who had cavities in nineteen out of thirty-two teeth. . .Joseph Wykowski from Bridgeport, Connecticut, had two interesting characteristics. He had the stomach of a goat and could eat anything.. His favorite was Hershey bars. . .with the wrappers still on them. The other peculiar trait was that he had a permanent erection. I’m talking about day and night, marching or sleeping. There’s no explaining this phenomenon unless he has a unique form of paralysis.
Biloxi Blues monologue 2
By Neil Simon
EUGENE: It was my fourth day in the army and so far I hated everyone. . .We were on a filthy train from Fort Dix, New Jersey, to Biloxi, Mississippi. . .Joseph Wykowski from Bridgeport, Connecticut, had two interesting characteristics. He had the stomach of a goat and could eat anything.. His favorite was Hershey bars. . .with the wrappers still on them. The other peculiar trait was that he had a permanent erection. I’m talking about day and night, marching or sleeping. There’s no explaining this phenomenon unless he has a unique form of paralysis. . .Donald Carney from Montclair, New Jersey, was an okay guy until someone made the mistake of telling him he sounded like Perry Como. His voice was flat. . .but his sister wasn’t. She had the biggest breasts I ever saw. She came to visit him at Fort Dix wearing a tight red sweater, and that’s when I discovered Wykowski’s condition.
Biloxi Blues monologue 3
By Neil Simon
EUGENE: It was my fourth day in the army and so far I hated everyone. . .We were on a filthy train from Fort Dix, New Jersey, to Biloxi, Mississippi. If the Germans only knew what was coming over, they’d be looking forward to this invasion. I’m Eugene Morris Jerome of Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, New York, and you can tell I’ve never been away from home before. In my duffel bag are twelve pot roast sandwiches my mother gave me. . .There were three things I was determined to do in this war. Become a writer, not get killed, and lose my virginity. But first I had to get through training in the murky swamps of Mississippi.
Biloxi Blues monologue 4
By Neil Simon
ARNOLD: I was in the latrine, alone, I spent four hours cleaning it, on my hands and knees. It looked better than my mother’s bathroom at home. Then these two non-coms come in—one was the cook, that three-hundred pound guy, and some other slob—with cigar butts in their mouths and reeking of beer. They come in to pee, only instead of using the urinal, they use one of the johns. . .both peeing in the same one, making circles, figure eights. Then they start to walk out, and I say, “Hey, I just cleaned that. Please flush the johns.” And the big one, the cook, says, “Up your ass, rookie,” or some other really clever remark. . .And I block the door and I say, “There’s a printed order on the wall signed by Captain Langdon stating the regulations that all facilities must be washed after using”. . .and I’m requesting that they follow regulations since I was left in charge, and to please flush the facility. And then the big one says to me, “Suppose you flush it, New York Jew Kike,” and I said, “My ethnic heritage notwithstanding, please flush the facility.” They look at each other, this half a ton of brainless beef, and suddenly rush me, turn me upside down, grab my ankles and—and—and—they lowered me by my feet into the toilet, in their filth, their poison. . .all the way so I couldn’t breathe. . .then they pulled off my belt and tied my feet onto the ceiling pipes with my head still in their foul waste and tied my hands behind me with filthy rags, and they left me there, hanging like a pig that was going to be slaughtered. (You may stop here or add the final part.) I wasn’t strong enough to fight back. I couldn’t do it alone. Nobody came to help me. . .Then the pipe broke, and I fell to the ground. . .it took me twenty minutes to get untied. Twenty minutes. But it will take me the rest of my life to wash off my humiliation. I was degraded. I lost my dignity. If I stay, Gene, if they put a gun in my hands, one night, I swear to God, I’ll kill them both. . .I’m not a murderer. I don’t want to disgrace my family. . .But I have to get out of here.
Biloxi Blues monologue 5
By Neil Simon
EUGENE: I never like Wykowski much, and I didn’t like him any better after tonight. . .but the one I hated most was myself because I didn’t stand up for Epstein, a fellow Jew. Maybe I was afraid of Wykowski, or maybe it was because Epstein sometimes sort of asked for it, but since the guys didn’t pick on me that much, I figured I’d just stay neutral. . .like Switzerland. . .Then I wrote in my memoirs what every guy’s last desire would be if he was killed in the war. I never intended to show it to anyone, but I still felt a little ashamed of betraying their secret and private thoughts. Possible the only one who felt worse than I did was Hennessey, still doing push-ups on the floor.
Biloxi Blues monologue 6
By Neil Simon
TOOMEY: When you attack a man, never attack his strong points, And my strong point is Discipline. I was weaned on Discipline. I sucked Discipline from my mother’s breast, and I received it on my bare butt at the age of five from the buckle of my father’s Sam Browne army belt. . .And I loved that bastard for it. . .because he made me strong. Damn right. . .he made me a leader of men. And then he made me despise the weakness in myself, the weakness that can destroy a man’s purpose in life. And the purpose of my life, Epstein, is Victory. Moral victory, spiritual victory, victory over temptation, victory on the battle field, and victory in a damned army barracks in Biloxi, Mississippi. . .That’s what my daddy taught me, Epstein. What did your daddy teach you?