1. Do not attempt to rub Nair over the shifter first mate while she is asleep.
2. Do not taunt Cardinal Krozen about his inability to capture/kill the Crew. It's not bad, just tacky.
3. Do not taunt the The Lords of Dust about their inability to capture the Crew. It really should be bad, but it's not. Still tacky.
4. Do not taunt Queen Aurala about her inability to capture the Crew. Otherwise she'll stamp her foot and pout.
5. Do not shoot the villain while he's monologuing, no matter how long he takes.
6. There will be NO referring to King Kaius as Mein Fuhrer or goosestepping to his orders.
7. Even if he speaks in a thick German accent.
8. Even if the secret service wears jackboots.
9. Even if they're seeking the Ark.
10. ALRIGHT, THEY'RE NAZIS... SWEET TIRA MIRRON.
11. The Captain forbids the Elf from referring to Tira Mirron as a "Great Lay", "The Feisty Wench", and "The Naughty Girl who liked to lick".
12. The crew will not attempt to make the Paladin break his vows.
13. The crew will not point out the Paladin has already done so by being on a Pirate ship.
14. The crew will not use the Forgotten Freedom to buzz dinosaurs.
15. No matter how cool they look when they scamper.
16. ESPECIALLY NOT during halfling festival days.
17. The Lord of Blades does not need to see the Wizard for a heart.
18. He does not need oiling when it rains, nor is this an effective battle strategy against him.
19. Nor does he need a diploma, medal, or any combination of these things.
20. The Lord of Blades is not to be referred to as "Skippy".
21. Nor is Pontiff Jaela.
22. Even if she skips a lot.
23. Queen Aurala is not the Wicked Witch of the West.
24. Even if she is a witch and lives in the West and is of dubious morality.
25. Throwing water on her is not a means of "Undoing her wickedness".
26. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Lolita".
27. Nor will she be referred to as "Major Hot Babe when she grows up".
28. ...even if she will be.
29. Errandis D'Vol cannot be stopped by dropping a house on her.
30. Nor can Queen Aurala.
31. King Boranal will not be invited to Frat Keggers or Orgies with Changeling Girls.
32. Even if he's game.
33. King Kaius is not the last boss in the Castlevania series.
34. Nor is his mortal enemy Simon Belmont.
35. It is wrong to cast magic mouth spells to play "The Phantom of the Opera" when he enters the room.
36. Or eat garlic pizza before talking to him.
37. Or hold up mirrors behind him while mouthing the word "Vampire".
38. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as Glinda.
39. You cannot summon a Rajah by saying 'Hastur' three times.
40. Or a Daelkyr by saying "Candyman" into a mirror.
41. Dolgrims do not have one head that always lies and one that always tells the truth.
42. The Aereneal elves will not be referred to as "The creepy Goth elves".
43. Nor are the Deathless described as "Undead who all dress like they're in a 70s glam rock band".
44. We will not rob the Lightning Rail wearing scarves on our faces.
45. If we do, we won't claim to be trying to conduct a Time Travel experiment.
46. Even if we are.
47. Valenar Elves are not to be called "Romulans".
48. You will not compare a Valenar Elf's performance to Legolas.
49. Even if Legolas could do it much better.
50. I am the reincarnation of King Jarlot, none of you are.
51. I will not attempt to restart the Great War for "kicks".
52. Dwarves will not be referred to as "The Swiss."
53. Even if they have fine chocolate and good cheeses.
54. No, it is a rumor you can conquer Aundair by simply walking into it.
55. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to predict the end of the world in a cathedral in Thrane.
56. The Quori are not to be referred to as "The Q" or are their activities from "The Q Continuum".
57. The changeling is forbidden from deliberately appearing as Earth celebrities she has no idea exist.
58. Darguun are not to be called "Klingons."
59. Even if they have swords suspiciously similiar to them.
60. Riedra is not Japan or China or any other Oriental culture, so I cannot go there to spot me some Asian chicks.
61. The Monk will also not use the word "WO PAW!" after every strike.
62. Shifters cannot be Catgirls.
63. Or Foxgirls.
64. OR BUNNY GIRLS.
65. Even if they were I could not make a mansion of them and sell their pictorials.
66. When conducting robberies, I will not give wedgies to Dragonshard house nobles because they 'richly deserve it'.
67. Merrix D'Cannith is not to be referred to as "Lex Luthor, greatest criminal mastermind inventor of the 11th century!"
68. Even if he's bald, an inventor, and a supervillain.
69. Q'barra is not the home of voodoo, plantations, or good cajun cooking.
70. Kobolds are not to be called "Spot", "Fido", or "Rover".
71. Nor will you attempt to teach them 'tricks'.
72. Kobolds do not speak in an accent similiar to Ren or say things like "It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"
73. There will be no characters accepted who are Lysander Bugbear pilots named Baloo.
74. Nor will lovable kid sidekicks named Cloudkicker with Tenser Floating Disks.
75. You will not refer to a wand of fireballs as your "Boomstick".
76. The Mockery is not your Copilot.
77. Nor the Traveller.
78. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as the "Virgin Queen" in a derogatory manner.
79. Any rumor that such a name is inappropriate because of me is to be squashed.
80. Halflings of Clan Boramar are not to speak like they're Italian or in the Godfather.
81. Nor is Joe Peschi a Halfling.
82. Even if he claims so.
83. You cannot play four Turtle Ninja Shifters.
84. It is wrong to refer to King Boranal's daughter as a fine piece of ***.
85. Even if she is.
86. I will not attempt to turn the Forgotten Freedom into a Pimpmobile.
87. The Gods of Eberron do not fail to appear on the earthly plane because I am "THAT" badass...
88. Kalashatyr are not to be referred to as the Tok'Ra.
89. Nor the Quori as Goa'uld.
90. We are not the Crew of Firefly.
91. Nor Blake's 7.
92. Even if an Alliance is chasing us.
93. I am to be referred to as Captain Jarlot not "Jack Sparrow" or "Keith Richards".
94. Even if there's a frightening resemblance sometimes.
95. Xen'drick is not to be referred to as "The land of stereotyped minorities brought to light by the glories of colonialism".
96. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Ruri" or "Rei Ayanami".
97. No, you cannot wear the pope hat.
98. Even if she lets you.
99. It is wrong to attempt to make the Lord of Blades sing "Daisy".
100. He is not to be referred to as R.O.B.B.I.E or any other warforged.
101. No, I cannot stencil in a Dragonmark for powers.
102. Especially not the Dragonmark of Death.
Nr. 103 has been lost to the sands of time.
104. Repeat after me, I did not cause the Day of Mourning.
105. I am not Batman.
106. The Demon Wastes will not be referred to as "Athas".
107. A Mel Gibson look-alike is not driving around The Mournland in a V8.
108. What most Mourners do not need is "A good slap".
109. Seig Heil is not the correct manner of greeting King Kaius.
110. Being a pirate does not make me the ultimate enemy of ninjas.
111. Being a pirate does not make Boo Radley our King or the Mockingbird something we must figure out how to kill.
112. The proper response to a defeated foe offering surrender is not:
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DESTRUCTION!"
114. Even if I laugh like hell.
115. There is not a secret plot to combine Dark Sun and the Council of Wyrms and the Flanaes into one setting on Eberron to save money.
116. Even if they did it with Forgotten Realms.
117. You shall not argue the merits of the attractive paladin turning tricks "for the good of the party".
118. Bards are not to be shot on sight for being worthless.
119. Nor shall Gnomes.
120. The Gnomes of Zilargo are not the cast from Cruel Intentions and every soap opera in history.
121. People from the Eldeen Reaches do not have plaid outfits and talk like Hillbillies.
122. I will not make "You might be from the Eldeen Reaches" lists.
123. Making only the Orcs like this is not a substitute.
124. The Aurrum are not led by Blofeld.
125. Or Doctor Evil.
126. Austin Powers is not a member of the King's Citadel.
127. James Bond is.
128. I will never, under ANY circumstances, shout "My name is Inigo Montoya, You killed my father. Prepare to die".
129. Even if they did.
130. You will not try and hum the 2001 theme when encountering Quori monoliths.
131. Boris and Natasha do not work for Karrnath.
132. King Kaius is not to be referred to as "Fearless Leader".
133. Moose and Squirrel are not good code names for the party when doing undercover work against them.
134. The Wardens of the Forest are not to be referred to as the Harpers.
135. Nor are they lead by Elminster.
136. I will not, when meeting Kalashatyr, shout "Wait, I've met you before in the ancient civilization of the Giants in a previous life. Yes, ATLANTIS!"
137. Even if I did.
138. I will not attempt to rescue party members from the Realm of the Dead by saying to the Maruts "You know a guy thirty miles away is trying to sneak away a soul. He's invisible so look really for an hour."
139. If the condition for releasing a party member is not to look back at them, do not simply stick your hands behind your head to block your vision and claim it works.
140. You are not in 8-bit, nor is "Haddoken" or "Stabbity death" an answer for anything.
141. I will not build a spelljammer to surf on the Ring of Siberys.
142. I will not use Khyber shards to summon Elvis.
143. Warforged are not to be my butlers.
144. The Chamber is not to be called "The Dragonati".
145. Rakshasas are not members of the Masons or effete British Indian Colonialists.
146. Sharn is not "New York only more flying carpets".
147. The Gatekeepers are not an anime about Communist fears of Japan.
148. The proper battle cry for a female moonspeaker is not "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!"
149. Even if you are a SAILOR Moonspeaker.
150. House Cannith is not ShinRa nor is it possible to find Aeris selling flowers in Sharn.
151. Being from Karrnath is not reason enough to wear a German barmaid's outfit.
152. Especially if you are a man.
153. As a child, Queen Aurala did not have a gingerbread house that she lured you to try and eat you.
154. If she does own a magic mirror, it's not to scry the land so she can put to sleep girls who are more attractive than her or lock them in towers.
155. You will not shout "my ass" when talk of her benevolent rule is spoken.
156. The Thrane Royal Family will not be referred to as "the most useless monarchy since Britains".
157. Even if one of you happens to be a subject of the Queen of England (and Canada).
158. Merrix D'Cannith is not building a giant *fingerwag* laser on one of the moons.
159. You will not pretend to be Boranal's bastard son.
160. Even if it's 50-50 likely.
161. You will not try and use the Silver Flame to roast marshmallows.
162. Or weenies.
163. You will not ask if you can put a rotisserie over it.
164. BBQ over it does not taste better because of that 'spiritual goodness'.
165. I will not claim to have had sex with Dol Arrah.
166. Or Arawai.
167. Or the Fury.
168. Especially not at once.
167. Elves do not react to dog whistles.
168. Kobolds do.
169. Erandis D'Vol is not "Vecna's teenage Goth daughter".
170. No, I cannot import kender via the Plane of Shadows to leave a mark of fear and terrror across the land.
171. Five warforged cannot join together with five magic medallions to become Voltron.
172. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
173. The Blood of Vol did not get started by the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
174. Breland's Colossus of Freedom does not have "Give me your rich, your pretty, and your gulliable" on her tablet.
175. The airship's mechanic shall not be referred to as "Cid".
176. Dragonshards will not be referred to as "Materia".
177. Or Mana.
178. You will not hum the Legend of Zelda theme while walking.
179. It is not a compliment to toss catnip on shifters and watch them trip out.
180. Argonessan is not Australia, I don't know where you got the idea and all dragons do not suddenly talk like the Crocodile Hunter.
181. Jedi is not an acceptable prestige class because all things can be found in Eberron.
182. Nor can you refer to the bugbear as Chewie.
183. Cyre will not mutate superintelligent apes and they will eventually replace us all so we might as well blow the planet now.
184. The Emerald Claw is a frightening group of terrorists and undead worshippers, they are not to be judged by the fact their name sounds like a strip club or oriental restaurant.
185. When the Quori view my dreams, I cannot imagine them stomped on by Godzilla to kill them.
186. The Tarrasque is not Godzilla... IN ANY WORLD.
187. Bone Knights should not be challenged by saying "You get a real boner for combat, huh?"
188. The proper response for a mysterious NPC giving a mission is to not spit whiskey on them and then set them on fire.
189. Booty from treasure hunts will not be referred to as "bling bling".
190. When we see a distress signal we do not say "F*** that! We're taking this boat to Risa."
191. It's wrong to capture dinosaurs and try to open a park on some island near Xen'drick.
192. The proper response when meeting the son of Queen Aurala is not to say "You know your mom's a real *****, right?"
193. If Queen Aurala is ever successfully kidnapped, you will not try her for witchcraft by putting a fake nose on her and weighing her against a duck.
194. Jaela's birthday six years from now will not be a cause for celebration because she turns 'legal'.
195. You will not beat the crazzap out of Royal Eyes members on principle.
196. Or casually announce their status as spies in crowded marketplaces.
197. Putting up your cloak in broad daylight does not add +1 to your Hide/Sneak check.
198. The Day of Mourning did not result in mass mutations that created the Eberron version of the X-Men.
199. Or the Incredible Hulk.
200. You will not pistol whip Prince Jurian.
201. Unless I order you to.
202. Queen Aurala is not even a Magic user! Why the hell do you keep making the Witch jokes!?
201. Prince Oargev's name is not a euphemism for his sexual leanings.
202. Cyre was not Naboo nor was the Day of Mourning righteous revenge for the Prequels.
203. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not a Lilith Fair band.
204. You will not ask any Rakshasa Prince to endorse frosted flakes by saying "They'reee GREAAAAAT!"
205. You may shorten my rank to Cap'n, however my surname is Jarlot, not "Crunch".
206. You may not hang five warforged from the keel to make a Newton's cradle.
207. That right is reserved for me and me alone.
208. You will not build a stepladder into the Warforged.
209. Or a bucket seat.
210. Or an umbrella.
211. The Warforged is not a nutcracker.
212. Nor can he light fires by snapping his fingers.
213. You will not refer to Esravash as 'that old windbag'.
214. The Warforged will not be referred to as 'Johnny 5'.
215. The Artificer will not be referred to as 'MacGyver' unless that is his name.
216. You may not name an Artificer 'MacGyver'.
217. You are not Indiana Jones, this is not the Temple of Doom.
218. Even if is looks like it.
219. You will not randomly push people off bridges in Sharn 'to see if gravity still works'.
220. You are not Korben Dallas.
221. You are not named Gar ir'Baldi, and you are not the security chief of Argonth 5.
222. ...Though that's not a bad idea for a campaign.
223. Aereneal Elves are not to be referred to as 'Hot Topic Elves'.
224. You will not greet Valenar Elves by yelling "Ya Hya Chouhada!"
225. Valenar Elves do not speak with a bad Middle Eastern accent.
226. ...or 'Praise Allah.'
227. You may not be the gnomish bard who invented the saxophone.
228. There is no football stadium in Sharn, and Sharn's team does not have Juggernaut linemen.
229. Your Boots of Striding and Springing do not have the 'swoosh' logo on them.
230. Dragons are not Vorlons.
231. Daelkyr are not Shadows.
232. The Tarrasque will not be reffered to as 'Mr. T.'
233. Mr. T. will not be imitated under any circumstances.
234. Nor will MC Hammer.
235. Or Michael Jackson.
236. Singing 'Thriller' or 'Living Dead Girl' in the company of Aereneal Elves is not acceptable.
237. The Changeling will not use the Warforged to break his fall.
238. Your Shifter was not an original cast member of 'CATS'.
239. Your Bard's name is not Idina, Maureen, Elphaba, or Aida.
240. King Boranel will not be referred to as 'gramps'.
241. You will not carry a largish bath towel and a book that you claim contains all the information you need to survive out there.
242. You will not shoot down the Giant Owl and Gargoyle members of Sharn's postal service.
243. Good Warforged are not Autobots, evil ones are not Decepticons.
244. Warforged Druids are not Maximals or Predacons, for that matter.
245. You will not, under any circumstance, use the word 'kender'.
246. You are not allowed to refer to Warforged as 'Cylons'.
247. You are not allowed to pick fights with the leaders of major religions.
248. You are not allowed to hit on them either.
249. ...especially if doing so would violate Thranish age of consent laws.
250. That wand is not your pimp stick, and please take off that stupid hat.
251. Refering to the shifter as "Whiskers", "Mittens", "Garfield", "Princess Frou-Frou", "Kitty", or "Fluffy" is strictly prohibited... while he is within earshot.
252. Despite the fact that House Cannith has a mostly Warforged staffed Concierge service, it is not appropriate to call all Warforged you meet after that "Concierge".
253. Despite the fact that Merrix d'Cannith wears a rainbow wig, a t-shirt that says "I <3 Warforged", and drools all over himself mumbling "Mournlands..." does not mean that you can make fun of him... while he is within earshot.
254. Under no circumstances are you to refer to King Kaius as "Lord Zedd", nor Queen Auralia as "Rita Repulsa". They are not both in cahoots to stop us from saving the world, nor are they plotting to send giant monsters into Sharn.
255. Pope Jaela is *not* River Tam, and you may not invite her to come with us on our journey.
256. Even if she wants to.
257. And even if the paladin thinks she'll be "dreamy" in a couple of years.
258. Yes, I am aware that the paladin is female; let a man have his dreams.
259. You will not refer to the captains of other ships (land or air based) as "The guy that's about to be thrown overboard".
260. Even if that is so very, very true.
261. King Borenal's mother was not, in fact, a hamster. Nor did his father smell of elderberries. Any assertions to the contrary will be met with deadly force by the Darklanterns.
262. Using the skyskiff to pick up chicks is strictly prohibited.
263. Unless you bring back enough for everyone.
264. After the Captain orders you to clean the boat, you will not tell him to "go wax his prow" or "get the mast out of his poop deck".
264. Though you are a shifter, you do not have the "heart of a lion, wings of a bat"; no matter how much you want them.
265. We are not changing the name of the boat to Limozeen.
266. The Eldeen Reaches are not "the best place to pitch trash over the side of the ship". Do you *not* understand the concept of Druids?
267. Wroat is not short for "Deep Wroat" despite what those Changeling "escorts" told you.
268. No, you cannot have the cleric cast Remove Disease on you now. You have to suffer for a bit. We warned you about Droaam girls, but *no*, you didn't listen.
269. Besides, he has to cast Remove Disease on me first. And I'm the Captain. So there.
270. House Lyrandar does *not* speak Al Bhed, despite similar clothing styles and airship useage. "Ku clnaf ouincamv!" and "Ouin sudran ec y fruna!" are not good conversation starters.
271. There is not a Black Mage Academy; and even if there was, you couldn't go study there.
272. Under no circumstances are you to sing the theme of "The Greatest American Hero" while you are riding a soarsled through Sharn.
273. Do not refer to the Warforged as "Man of Steel Man".
274. After casting Fireball at the Lord of Blades, calling him "LOBster Thermidor" is just adding insult to injury.
275. So feel free to do that any time the occasion arises.
276. The Seren barbarians do not speak with heavy Cockney accents. Calling them Guv'nah will just **** them off more.
277. King Kaius is not "a blatant rip off of that Angel character". Saying such things to his face is frowned upon, and may result in your quite timely death.
278. The Aurrum are not to be refered to as "Ferengi".
279. The ship's cabin boy is not to be refered to as "anchor".
280. Despite having been used as such on several occasions.
281. We will not pay for a Reincarnate, Ressurection, or True Ressurection after you are smote for making innapropriate advances toward Pope Jaela.
282. I don't care if she was wearing a short skirt.
283. You will not refer to the Paladin's Wand of Cure Light Wounds as "The Magic Stick".
284. It is not okay to ask her to "hit it twice" if she has already used a charge on you.
285. "Why don't you come back to my place and exorcize the demon?" is *not* anything resembling a good pick-up line, and may not be used on any cleric, paladin, or priest of any religion.
286. Especially if you're a Tiefling or Half-Fiend.
287. Especially not Jaela.
288. Paladins of the Silver Flame are not to be referred to as "Flamer Crusaders".
289. Nor may you accompany that insult with a limp-wristed wave.
290. Talenta Halflings do not like being called "Barney-riding Kender".
291. Limericks are strictly forbidden after the incident at the Cathedral of the Silver Flame. Let us never speak of it again.
292. Gorgons do not make good house pets.
293. Neither do cockatrices. I am not paying for another Stone to Flesh.
294. When the Paladin uses Turn Undead, it does not make her into a zombie. Telling the townsfolk such things is a bad practice.
295. You may not mock the Paladin if she fails a Turn Undead attempt by asking her if she was "Turning Japanese" by mistake.
296. Going fishing for dinosaurs while hovering over the Talenta Plains is *not* a good idea.
297. If you catch a rider along with the dinosaur, calling it a "two-fer" in their presence may make someone upset.
298. Not me, though, because that's hilarious.
299. The Captain is not to be refered to as "Cap'n Mehoff".
300. There are not 15 houses. House Atreides, House Harkonnen, and House Corrino are *not* real. You just got really drunk.
301. Don't tell that to Baron Harkonnen, though, he gets really sensitive about those kinds of things.
302. The Valenar are not Fremen, they will not teach you how to ride sandworms. Stop asking them.
251. When a Gatekeeper druid tells you his faction, the appropriate response is never "I am the Keymaster!"