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Olympians

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Characters

Zeus-----------------------------------------------------------------------Lily

Poseidon----------------------------------------------------------------Bailey

Hades-----------------------------------------------------------------Audrey

Demeter----------------------------------------------------------------Avery

Artemis----------------------------------------------------------------Willow

Apollo-------------------------------------------------------------------Emma

Aphrodite--------------------------------------------------------------Skylie

Hestia-------------------------------------------------------------------Olivia

Athena------------------------------------------------------------Madyson S.

Ares---------------------------------------------------------------Madison A.

Hephaestus--------------------------------------------------------------Zach

Dionysus----------------------------------------------------------------Katie

Terrorist Leader-----------------------------------------------------------Micky

President--------------------------------------------------------------Brooklyn

Scene 1

(Enter ZEUS, POSEIDON, and HADES in an office, ZEUS behind desk, HADES and POSEIDON sitting in front)

ZEUS:

Tell me again, why are you here?



POSEIDON:

Well, I need a fifty thousand dollar loan. I’m trying to create a more efficient breed of horse.

ZEUS:

What’s wrong with the ones you’ve already created?



POSEIDON:

They don’t run fast enough.

ZEUS:

Do you have a steady source of income?



POSEIDON:

Well, first of all, I own all the pearls under the sea . . . I also own the Hawaii Five-0 surf competition.

ZEUS:

Alright, I suppose that works. Let me get you a check. (Removes slip of paper from desk drawer, hands it to Poseidon) I charge fifteen percent interest.



POSEIDON:

But I’m your brother! Zeus . . .

ZEUS:

No exceptions.



POSEIDON:

Fine, but I’ll need a few years to pay you back. Hawaii Five-0 is annual, you know.

ZEUS:

And what do you want, Hades?



HADES:

There aren’t enough humans dying anymore. They’ve got medicines to treat just about any mortal disease there is. The Elysium spa is running into the ground, and so are the cafeteria enchiladas.

ZEUS:

But what do you want?



HADES:

I’m requesting permission to kill mortals.

ZEUS:

What’s your job again?



HADES:

I run the underworld, sir.

ZEUS:

No, you can’t kill anyone. It’s bad for my reputation. I need subjects to rule over.



HADES:

SO DO I! AND I HATE THESE ENCHILADAS! THEY’RE FROM . . . someplace less nice! (Storms out of the room)

(Enter ATHENA from under desk)

ATHENA:


Technically, that’s impossible, since any possible enchilada in the location from which Hades claims his come from would be considered nothing but pure carbon, or in simpler terms, a pile of ashes. Besides this, his claims that they are essentially some of the worst enchiladas in history is entirely unfounded on scientific evidence.

(Exit ATHENA under desk)

ZEUS:

Athena . . . ?



POSEIDON:

They’re actually not that bad. But if you really want high class, you should try their brussels sprout ice cream.

ZEUS:

Yes, whatever. Just don’t forget to pay me back.



(ZEUS and POSEIDON exit)

Scene 2

(Cave in the underworld. Enter ARTEMIS and APOLLO)

APOLLO:

Hey, sis!



ARTEMIS:

What?!


APOLLO:

Jeez, just saying hi.

ARTEMIS:

Sorry I’m in a bad mood. Zeus got snappy and I got . . . unhappy.

APOLLO:

So what happened?



ARTEMIS:

Oh, stop being so nosy!

APOLLO:

Okay! (APOLLO stomps out.)



ARTEMIS:

(Texting) LOL I love messing with him!

(Enter HADES, sitting in throne room)

HADES:


Come in, Ares.

(ARTEMIS hides. Enter ARES)

ARES:

What do you want?



HADES:

Why does everyone always assume I want something?

ARES:

Alright, bye then. (Begins to leave)



HADES:

Wait!


ARES:

What do you want?

HADES:

More death.



ARES:

I’m listening.

HADES:

What’s the single greatest cause of death among mortals? This should be easy for you, Ares.



ARES:

Um…food poisoning?

HADES:

ARES, YOU DUNCE!



ARES:

Sorry, sorry… I mean wars.

HADES:

Yes, yes, precisely.



ARES:

So you want me to…

HADES:

Create wars. I don’t care how. Just – just pit leaders against each other, threaten attack by other countries, just give me wars.



ARES:

Why do you want war?

HADES:

Because, Ares, this will bring thousands more mortals into the underworld.



ARES:

And what’s in it for me, Hades? Why should I help you?

HADES:

If you do as I ask, the world will be plunged into eternal war, and shall be your domain.



ARES:

I’d rule the world?

HADES:

Yes.


ARES:

I like that. Alright-

HADES:

We have a deal? I’ll start arguments amongst the other gods, so they will not be able to unify against us.



ARES:

Yeah.


(Gods shake hands. Exit ARES and HADES. ARTEMIS comes out of hiding.)

ARTEMIS:


Apollo!

(Enter APOLLO)

APOLLO:

What?


ARTEMIS:

Hades and Ares are fighting against the other gods!

APOLLO:

Should we tell them?



ARTEMIS:

I don’t know . . . Wait, we could get revenge on Demeter!

APOLLO:

By joining them? Oh, yes! We could finally have our vengeance!



ARTEMIS:

Demented Demeter will grovel before us!

APOLLO:

And all the other gods too!



ARTEMIS:

So we’re decided?

APOLLO:

Come on, let’s find them.



Scene 3

(Enter APHRODITE, hiding. Enter TERRORIST LEADER. Wait moment, enter ARES)

ARES:

Hello!


TERRORIST LEADER:

Who are you?!

ARES:

I just wanted to let you know that . . . um . . .



TERRORIST LEADER:

Why are you here?

ARES:

The U.S. is going to drop a bomb on you! Yeah!



TERRORIST LEADER:

No! We drop a bomb on them first!

ARES:

And, uh, Chile, Chile’s working with them! They’re launching the bomb from Chile!



TERRORIST LEADER:

Good thing we have two bombs.

ARES:

Oh, but no, that’s not all . . . China’s in the alliance too!



TERRORIST LEADER:

We must fight on all sides!

ARES:

RIGHT! Yes! I have to go . . . I have things to do. Good luck!



(Exit TERRORIST LEADER. ARES begins leaving. APHRODITE leaves hiding. ARES trips, looks back, sees APHRODITE, pretends he doesn’t, leaves. Exit APHRODITE after ARES )

Scene 4

(Enter APHRODITE, hides. Enter U.S. PRESIDENT, ARES)

ARES:

Yes, I have it on good authority that Spain is going to attack you within a week.



PRESIDENT:

Are you sure?

ARES:

Absolutely, Mr. President. And Spain has recently allied with Japan. Oh, and Egypt is unhappy with the unfair oil distribution and is assembling armies for war.



PRESIDENT:

These predictions seem a bit over the top. You are sure war will break out?

ARES:

Oh, there will be war, Mr. President. I guarantee it. (Chuckles)



(Exit PRESIDENT. Enter HADES)

HADES:


How did it go?

ARES:
Great, they’ve got really weak willpower. But . . . (Stage Whisper) Aphrodite’s eavesdropping.

HADES:

Can you deal with it?



ARES:

Of course.

(Exit HADES)

ARES:


I know you’re there, Aphrodite.

(APHRODIE comes out of hiding)

APHRODITE:

You’re never going to get away with this! I’m gonna . . . I’m gonna . . . um . . . . do something!

ARES:

Not if I mess up your hairdo!



APHRODITE:

Oh, Ares! How could you do this to me? Oh, Ares . . .

ARES:

(Snicker) Get over it. You can’t tell any of the other gods about this, or else I will ruin your makeup!



APHRODITE:

Ares! This is blackmail!

ARES:

Just don't tell anyone.



APHRODITE:

Fine!


(Exit APHRODITE. End scene)

Scene 5

(Enter ZEUS, sitting on throne at Mt. Olympus, with DEMETER, ARTEMIS, APOLLO, APHRODITE, HESTIA, ATHENA, ARES, and HEPHAESTUS, on half the stage with long table covered with food. The other half is empty but has water at one edge)

ZEUS:

WHERE IS POSEIDON?



DEMETER:

We don’t know, sir.

ZEUS:

(Opens cell phone) POSEIDON! (Ringing noise)



APHRODITE:

I missed my nap! I need beauty sleep!

(Enter POSEIDON on the empty half of the stage, holding surfboard, with cell phone)

ARES:


You look fine, sweetie- I mean, Aphrodite.

(POSEIDON answers phone)

POSEIDON:

Hello? Hello?

APOLLO:

Ares!


HEPHAESTUS:

ARES?


DEMETER:

Athena, what are you doing?

ATHENA:

Just reading this book. I just started a few minutes ago. My brother Ares went to a private school, but I went to Sage, so I can read books like this!



ZEUS:

Where are you, Poseidon?

POSEIDON:

I’m just . . . at my Hawaii-Five 0 competition!

(Enter DEMETER, carrying pie. DEMETER trips, sending pie into DIONYSUS)

DIONYSUS:

What? FOOD FIGHT!

(Food fight among the gods, except ZEUS)

ZEUS:

I thought that’s in six months?



POSEIDON:

Well . . . (Owl noise on empty beach) . . . It’s always better to be early, right!?

(Enter HADES. Pie hits HADES square on)

HADES:


OH, SO THAT’S HOW IT IS!

(HADES throws pie at ZEUS. ZEUS falls over flat on his face)

ZEUS:

I suggest you come over quickly. (Puts away phone, gets up)



(Exit POSEIDON, leaving surfboard and phone onstage.)

HADES:


(Throws pie at ARTEMIS)

That wasn’t me, that was Apollo!

APOLLO:

What? No! That was Hades!



ARTEMIS:

(Throws pie at APOLLO)

APOLLO:

You asked for it! (Throws pie at ARTEMIS)



ZEUS:

THAT’S ENOUGH!! YOU’RE ACTING LIKE MORTALS!!!!!

(Stop food fight. Enter POSEIDON)

POSEIDON:

What’d I miss?

DEMETER:


The mother of all food fights.

ZEUS:


Finally, we’re all here. Now, to business-

APOLLO:


I thought we were just here for the feast!

ZEUS:


No, Apollo, we’re here to discuss a very serious matter. Recently, there have been several, major outbreaks of war among the mortals. In fact, they’re starting to call it World War III.

ATHENA:


So what? This sort of thing happens regularly among them. Their puny mortal minds can’t comprehend the idea of extended pacification. We might as well just kill them all ourselves.

ZEUS:


Athena . . . ?

ATHENA:


It was just an idea! Just an idea . . . (mumbles) a good one.

ZEUS:


And you are correct in saying this sort of thing happens often. Within twelve hours, however, seven major countries started fighting amongst themselves, with no clear reason even there! Have any of you got any idea why this would be?

HESTIA:


Maybe they’re showing their true colors after trying to be civilized?

HADES:


I’m afraid I know exactly why. Athena’s testing out new battle strategies on them!

ATHENA:


Shut your mouth, liar! We can’t trust you anyways!

HADES:


Why ever not? I’m afraid that your actions and words speak for themselves.

HEPHAESTUS:

Well, you did say we should kill mortals off . . .

ARTEMIS:


Well if they want to die, let them!

POSEIDON:

But didn’t Zeus say that Hades wanted to kill them too?

HADES:


But I was refused. So of course, I do what Zeus says.

POSEIDON:

Then who’s starting the wars?

APOLLO:


Hades said it was Athena . . .

ATHENA:


Oh really? It’s probably you!

APOLLO:


Come on! Hephaestus is more likely than me!

HEPHAESTUS:

What? I’d never-!

APHRODITE:

Of course you would! You cheat on me all the time!

HEPHAESTUS:

No, that’s you!

POSEIDON:

He’s right, you know.

APHRODITE:

Really? Then it’s probably you!

POSEIDON:

Come on, keep it realistic. Demeter, maybe, not me.

DEMETER:


What?

HADES:


Now, now, let’s not squabble . . .

POSEIDON:

Us? Squabble? Hang on, Hades, you’re lord of death. This is probably your doing.

HADES:


Me? No, I assure you, I always listen to Zeus. Of course! He is, after all, the king of the gods.

POSEIDON:

Well, I suppose you'd probably be smart enough not to try . . .

ARES:


Well, who's starting the wars then?

HADES:


Perhaps they're merely starting them for a trivial reason. An insult, perhaps.

ZEUS:


That seems reasonable. There really is no reason to break out in fights like this. We're losing our sophistication. If the mortals saw this, do you think they'd respect us?

HESTIA:


If the mortals saw this, at least they'd believe in us.

ZEUS:


Yes, and as soon as their amazement had faded, they'd start saying that we cause bad crops, typhoons, premature deaths, earthquakes, wildfires . . .

HADES:


Well, Demeter isn't exactly innocent of causing bad crops . . .

DEMETER:


What?

HADES:


And we all know that earthquakes are courtesy of Poseidon . . .

POSEIDON:

And we all know that premature deaths are courtesy of Hades!

HADES:


Among other things.

ARTEMIS:


Are you saying that we cause all these disasters?

APOLLO:


Well, we do!

HESTIA:


I have never started a wildfire!

HEPHAESTUS:

Well, you cause every fire, Hestia.

HESTIA:


Well, you probably cause every volcano eruption!

HEPHAESTUS:

I think that's actually Aphrodite.

APHRODITE:

What? No! What have volcanoes got to do with love?

HEPHAESTUS:

Everything.

(Exit HADES and ARES)

DEMETER:

I don't spoil crops, I help them grow!

ARTEMIS:

That's like saying Apollo doesn't sunbur n people.

(Fading bickering, end scene)

Scene 6

(Enter ARTEMIS, APOLLO)

ARTEMIS:

How are we going to find Hades?

APOLLO:

He was at the feast . . .



ARTEMIS:

He’s not anymore.

(Enter DEMETER)

APOLLO:


Demeter? (Hostile) What are you doing here? Leave!

DEMETER:


Me?

ARTEMIS:


Yes! Get out of here.

DEMETER:


Stop being so ignorant. Dear old aunty Demeter doesn’t have to listen to you. Dear old aunty Demeter, in fact, should punish you for being so ignorant.

APOLLO:


Don’t even try. There’s two of us, and only one of you.

DEMETER:


You’ve learned how to add!

APOLLO:


Get out of here NOW!

DEMETER:


As you wish, little godling. Maybe Uncle Hades can get more sense into you.

ARTEMIS:


What? You know where he is?

DEMETER:


I’ll just send him right in!

(Exit DEMETER)

APOLLO:

I HATE her.



ARTEMIS:

Agreed. But-

(Enter HADES and DEMETER)

DEMETER:


So can you punish these ignorant little godlings? Thank you so much! Very glad you’re helping me! Oh, I have to go, got to kill Zeus- I mean, eat a moose. Just do what I say, that’s a dear!

APOLLO:


I thought you were a vegetarian?

DEMETER:


Yes, and vegetarians eat meat!

APOLLO:


Oh yeah! And it was like, carnivores or something that ate plants.

DEMETER:


Exactly!

(Exit DEMETER)

HADES:

(Awkward) Apparently I’m going to punish you.



ARTEMIS:

You actually listen to her?

HADES:

. . . No.



APOLLO:

We know about what you’re planning to do, Hades.

HADES:

I’m sorry, what is this exactly?



APOLLO:

Taking over the world with Ares.

HADES:

Don’t you think you’re getting too old for bedtime stories?



ARTEMIS:

This isn’t a story, and we want to join you!

HADES:

Assuming this ridiculous tale of yours is true . . . why?



APOLLO:

To get revenge on Demeter!

ARTEMIS:

And rule the world!

HADES:

The world is taken by Ares. The ocean and sky are still free.



ARTEMIS:

Dibs on the ocean!

APOLLO:

Sweet, that means I get Mt. Olympus! What do we do?



HADES:

Currently . . . work on isolating Hestia and Hephaestus from the rest of them.

ARTEMIS:

Why?


HADES:

Just a little idea I had.



Scene 7

(Enter HADES and ARES)

HADES:

Apollo and Artemis have joined us.



ARES:

Really? Soon we’ll be unstoppable! What are they doing?

HADES:

Just an idea of mine . . .



ARES:

What?


HADES:

Gods don't die. It's a well-known fact, right?

ARES:

Of course gods don't die.



HADES:

But what if a god were to die . . . without dying?

ARES:

Huh?


HADES:

The titans are still alive, yes? But they're dead, in a sense. Trapped. And, because they were imprisoned down here, they're technically under my command. Do you see?

ARES:

Um . . . no.



HADES:

What if we did the same . . . to a god?

ARES:

Trapped a god in the underworld?



HADES:

Yes! I would be ruler of the countless souls of mortals, the titans, and the gods.

ARES:

You're trying to kill a god.



HADES:

No, that's impossible. However, if they are trapped within my kingdom, logic makes them my subjects. I would be the king of all gods, because they would all be in my domain!

ARES:

Hades, I think this might be a tad ambitious.



HADES:

Can't you see it? 'Hades, king of the gods'. King! Me, not Zeus, not that pompous, egocentric upstart.

ARES:

Then . . . then what would I be king of? And what about Artemis and Apollo?



HADES:

If the world is at war, it belongs to you! And they’re going to have the skies and the oceans.

ARES:

But war doesn't last forever.



HADES:

Why shouldn't it? This would be a blood feud between continents, countless generations raised with fear and hate . . .

ARES:

Yes, but they'll die out!



HADES:

I daresay some of it will be a cold war, but that's still war.

ARES:

Yes . . . . (Nervous) But, um, I have to go this way. Now.



(Exit ARES. End scene.)

Scene 8

(Enter APOLLO, ARTEMIS, HESTIA, HEPHAESTUS, ZEUS, APHRODITE, ATHENA, POSEIDON, DEMETER)

ARTEMIS:

Hello, Hephaestus.

HEPHAESTUS:

Um . . . hi.

APOLLO:

It’s so good to see you! You know, the others have no right to treat you like that!



HEPHAESTUS:

Like . . . what?

APOLLO:

So mean, so scorning . . . I mean, you’re just trying to do the right thing!



HEPHAESTUS:

Yes, I deserve to be treated like a god! Because I am a god! And Justin Bieber is my role model!

ARTEMIS:

Good for you! I hope you realize we care about you and don’t like the way they treat you.

HEPHAESTUS:

Yeah. Just . . . do you know if Aphrodite does cause volcano eruptions?

ARTEMIS:

No idea. Now, we have to go, but have a good day!

HEPHAESTUS:

Yay! But they might throw Justin Bieber into prison, and then it wouldn’t be a good day anymore. I must save him!

APOLLO:

Yeah, good luck with that. Bye!



ARTEMIS:

Hello, Hestia!

HESTIA:

What, have you got ANOTHER mean thing to say to me?



APOLLO:

No, of course not! We are nice! We just want to make sure you know that we care about you, not like those mean other Olympians.

HESTIA:

Really? (Sniff) That’s so sweet! Oh, cutey pies, come give your aunt Hestia a hug.



APOLLO:

Um, sorry, we have to go this way. NOW. (ARTEMIS points one way, APOLLO the other)

HESTIA:

Which way?



(APOLLO and ARTEMIS keep pointing in different directions)

APOLLO:


We’re going BACKWARDS. Away from you. Yes, we have to leave now, bye!

HESTIA:


Aww, they’re so sweet.

(Enter APHRODITE)

APHRODITE:

OMG! I just remembered! My makeup and hair is unmessable! Hah!

ATHENA:

So? This is entirely unrelated to any present subject.



APHRODITE:

That means I can tell you! I saw Ares and Hades causing the wars! And they’re trying to kill us all!

(Exit APOLLO and ARTEMIS quickly. Enter DIONYSUS.)

DIONYSUS:

This grape juice is really good! I’m going to wash it down with some grape juice!

ATHENA:


It’s Hades!

ZEUS:


And Ares. We’d better deal with them.

HEPHAESTUS:

Well, Aphrodite could be lying. She’s not really trustworthy at any time.

HESTIA:


Uh-huh, and Athena said we should kill the mortals!

APHRODITE:

Don’t worry! I believe me! I’ll help you.

ZEUS:


Will anyone else do their duty?!

DEMETER:


No, not really.

POSEIDON:

It’s Hephaestus!

HEPHAESTUS:

No, it’s Aphrodite!

HESTIA:


But I thought it was Athena!

DEMETER:


It’s Zeus!

ZEUS:


What are you doing! Foolish! Idiotic! Olympians, you are children! MORTAL CHLDREN!

POSEIDON:

How could you not tell us! This is traumatizing!

ZEUS:


I was talking figuratively. Athena, Aphrodite . . . let’s go. Maybe then the rest of you will see sense.

(Exit ATHENA, APHRODITE, ZEUS)

HEPHAUSTUS:

Dionysus, that’s enough grape juice. GIVE IT TO ME! (Grabs wine, drinks it.)



Scene 9

(Enter ARES)

ARES:

Said he'd be here, but where is he? WHERE IS HE?



(Enter ZEUS, APHRODITE, ATHENA)

ZEUS:


Oh, hello Ares! How's it going?

ARES:


(Startled) Oh! Fine, great, yes, just dandy.

ZEUS:


Of course, you're prospering with all this war.

ARES:


Yes! It’s completely random, you know. Nothing whatsoever to do with me.

ZEUS:


Mmmm, yes. But, Ares, this seems a little suspicious. You are positive that you havent’t-

(Enter HADES)

Sorry I'm late- oh, Zeus! Hello, it's so nice to see you. Well, mustn't keep you-

(Exit ARES)

ZEUS:

Hades, wait. We know that you’re the one causing the wars. Give up.



HADES:

So perhaps you have three brain cells instead of two.

ZEUS:

Call it off, Hades! Or we'll have to call it off for you.



HADES:

You and what army? The last I saw of the Olympians, they were squabbling like siblings over a nonexistent problem.

ZEUS:

You know we’re more than a match for you.



(Enter ARES, APOLLO, ARTEMIS)

HADES:


Yes, but I know you aren't quite powerful enough to face all four of us.

ZEUS:


Apollo? Artemis? Hades, what are you doing?

HADES:


Repaying the favor you did for me. I always wondered whether you felt even slightly guilty for exiling your brother from Olympus.

ZEUS:


No more than you did for kidnapping Persephone.

HADES:


Touché.

ZEUS:


I'm not going to fight this battle, Hades.

APOLLO:


Coward, are you?

ARTEMIS:


Won’t fight if you’re outnumbered?

HADES:


Of course, Zeus only fights when it’s fifteen to one.

APHRODITE:

No, Zeus, we outnumber them! There’s more of them then there are of us! So they’re outnumbered!

ATHENA:


Aphrodite . . . No. Just no.

ZEUS:


I propose a reasonable retreat to ensure victory later on.

ATHENA:


My excellent tactics tell me this is a very good idea.

HADES:


Such bravery, such courage.

(Exit ATHENA, ZEUS, APHRODITE)

ARTEMIS:

Chickens!

APOLLO:

They’ll pay. When we fight, they’ll pay.



ARES:

Yes, I have to go. Now.

(Exit ARES. End scene)

Scene 10

(Enter HESTIA, HEPHAESTUS, ZEUS, APHRODITE, ATHENA, POSEIDON, DEMETER)

ZEUS:

You guys! It’s Hades and Ares, we found them! But Artemis and Apollo are working with him too.



HEPHAESTUS:

Do you have proof?

(Enter ARES)

ZEUS:


What are you doing here? Don’t try anything.

ARES:


No, I come in peace! Really!

ATHENA:


So says the god of war. Hephaestus, this is proof.

ARES:


Hades is planning to imprison you all in the underworld.

ZEUS:


We can’t trust you.

ARES:


You can! Hades is too ambitious. He’s going to fail, there’s too many of you. I don’t want to be with him when he fails.

ATHENA:


Basically, he’s joining us because he’s a selfish, cowardly twerp. I’ll believe that.

ARES:


I’ll help you set a trap for him.

POSEIDON:

If his motive is saving his skin, we can trust him.

ZEUS:


Fine. Olympians, rally! We march to battle! Onwards!

Scene 11

(Enter HADES, ARES, ARTEMIS, APOLLO)

ARES:

Hades, um, I was developing the plans for when the Olympians attack us.



HADES:

Hooray, thank you, and all that jazz. Have you actually been doing anything of worth?

ARES:

Yes! (Claps twice)



(Enter HESTIA, HEPHAESTUS, ZEUS, APHRODITE, ATHENA, POSEIDON, DEMETER)

HADES:


Weak-willed, complacent, fearful . . . I should have known you were a traitor.

APOLLO:


Ares, you’re going to fall with the rest of them!

ARTEMIS:


Yeah!

ZEUS:


Do you surrender?

HADES:


Zeus, your memory is poorer than I thought.

ZEUS:


I thought not. Attack!

(Battle)


ZEUS:

Begone!


HADES:

“Begone”? I thought you had more class. I hope you’re so glad to condemn your brother.

(Exit HADES)

ATHENA:


Finally, we’re rid of him!

(Enter DIONYSUS)

DIONYSUS:

Oh good, just in time for the feast! I already ordered the grape juice and um . . . tasted it!






Scene 12

(Enter PRESIDENT and TERRORIST LEADER, on separate sides of the stage, talking on phones)

PRESIDENT:

Well . . .

TERRORIST LEADER:

Don’t say it.

PRESIDENT:

Well . . .

TERRORIST LEADER:

DON’T SAY IT!

PRESIDENT:

Well . . . okay, I won’t say it.

TERRORIST LEADER:

The war’s over.

PRESIDENT:

You said it!

TERRORIST LEADER:

Yes, I did.

PRESIDENT:

Finally. It’s over. This is the end.

TERRORIST LEADER:

Or is it?



END





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