Tech Support Excuses

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Tech Support Excuses

  1. clock speed

  2. solar flares

  3. electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris

  4. static from nylon underwear

  5. static from plastic slide rules

  6. global warming

  7. poor power conditioning

  8. static buildup

  9. doppler effect

  10. hardware stress fractures

  11. magnetic interferance from money/credit cards

  12. dry joints on cable plug

  13. we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line

  14. sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support

  15. temporary routing anomoly

  16. somebody was calculating pi on the server

  17. fat electrons in the lines

  18. excess surge protection

  19. floating point processor overflow

  20. divide-by-zero error

  21. POSIX complience problem

  22. monitor resolution too high

  23. improperly oriented keyboard

  24. network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)

  25. Decreasing electron flux

  26. first Saturday after first full moon in Winter

  27. radiosity depletion

  28. CPU radiator broken

  29. It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem

  30. positron router malfunction

  31. cellular telephone interference

  32. techtonic stress

  33. pizeo-electric interference

  34. (l)user error

  35. working as designed

  36. dynamic software linking table corrupted

  37. heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly

  38. secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS

  39. terrorist activities

  40. not enough memory, go get system upgrade

  41. interrupt configuration error

  42. spaghetti cable cause packet failure

  43. boss forgot system password

  44. bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged

  45. virus attack, luser responsible

  46. waste water tank overflowed onto computer

  47. Complete Transient Lockout

  48. bad ether in the cables

  49. Bogon emissions

  50. Change in Earth's rotational speed

  51. Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter

  52. Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads

  53. Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming

  54. Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift

  55. Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture

  56. Electricians made popcorn in the power supply

  57. Groundskeepers stole the root password

  58. high pressure system failure

  59. failed trials, system needs redesigned

  60. system has been recalled

  61. not approved by the FCC

  62. need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem

  63. not properly grounded, please bury computer

  64. CPU needs recalibration

  65. system needs to be rebooted

  66. bit bucket overflow

  67. descramble code needed from software company

  68. only available on a need to know basis

  69. knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked

  70. nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable

  71. The file system is full of it

  72. Satan did it

  73. Daemons did it

  74. You're out of memory

  75. There isn't any problem

  76. Unoptimized hard drive

  77. Typo in the code

  78. Yes, yes, its called a desgin limitation

  79. Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.

  80. That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?

  81. Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.

  82. Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.

  83. Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.

  84. Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causeing a kink in the cable

  85. Windows 95 "feature"

  86. Runt packets

  87. Password is too complex to decrypt

  88. Boss' kid fucked up the machine

  89. Electromagnetic energy loss

  90. Budget cuts

  91. Mouse chewed through power cable

  92. Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)

  93. Feature not yet implimented

  94. Internet outage

  95. Pentium FDIV bug

  96. Vendor no longer supports the product

  97. Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies

  98. The vendor put the bug there.

  99. SIMM crosstalk.

  100. IRQ dropout

  101. Collapsed Backbone

  102. Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment

  103. operators on strike due to broken coffee machine

  104. backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD

  105. UPS interrupted the server's power

  106. The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.

  107. The keyboard isn't plugged in

  108. The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room

  109. The electricity substation in the car park blew up.

  110. The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out

  111. The salesman drove over the CPU board.

  112. The monitor is plugged into the serial port

  113. Root nameservers are out of sync

  114. electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.

  115. your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.

  116. the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.

  117. the printer thinks its a router.

  118. the router thinks its a printer.

  119. evil hackers from Serbia.

  120. we just switched to FDDI.

  121. halon system went off and killed the operators.

  122. because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.

  123. user to computer ratio too high.

  124. user to computer ration too low.

  125. we just switched to Sprint.

  126. it has Intel Inside

  127. Sticky bits on disk.

  128. Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor

  129. The ring needs another token

  130. new management

  131. telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused

  132. SCSI Chain overterminated

  133. It's not plugged in.

  134. because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch

  135. You put the disk in upside down.

  136. Daemons loose in system.

  137. User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.

  138. BNC (brain not (user brain not connected)

  139. UBNC (user brain not connected)

  140. LBNC (luser brain not connected)

  141. disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.

  142. new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.

  143. had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.

  144. Too few computrons available.

  145. Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tanenbaum)

  146. Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.

  147. Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.

  148. Insert coin for new game

  149. Dew on the telephone lines.

  150. Arcserve crashed the server again.

  151. Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.

  152. My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.

  153. Big to little endian conversion error

  154. You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)

  155. Dumb terminal

  156. Zombie processes haunting the computer

  157. Incorrect time syncronization

  158. Defunct processes

  159. Stubborn processes

  160. non-redundant fan failure

  161. monitor VLF leakage

  162. bugs in the RAID

  163. no "any" key on keyboard

  164. root rot

  165. Backbone Scoliosis

  166. /pub/lunch

  167. excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances

  168. le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?

  169. broadcast packets on wrong frequency

  170. popper unable to process jumbo kernel

  171. NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full

  172. pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal

  173. Recursive traversal of loopback mount points

  174. Backbone adjustment

  175. OS swapped to disk

  176. vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives

  177. sticktion

  178. short leg on process table

  179. multicasts on broken packets

  180. ether leak

  181. Atilla the Hub

  182. endothermal recalibration

  183. filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch

  184. loop found in loop in redundant loopback

  185. system consumed all the paper for paging

  186. permission denied

  187. Reformatting Page. Wait...

  188. ..disk or the processor is on fire.

  189. SCSI's too wide.

  190. Proprietary Information.

  191. Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.

  192. runaway cat on system.

  193. Did you pay the new Support Fee?

  194. We only support a 1200 bps connection.

  195. We only support a 28000 bps connection.

  196. Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.

  197. I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.

  198. Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.

  199. the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.

  200. The monitor needs another box of pixels.


  202. kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.

  203. Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.

  204. Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."

  205. Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors

  206. Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer

  207. We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortuantely, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.

  208. Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.

  209. Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)

  210. We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.

  211. Lightning strikes.

  212. Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.

  213. Change your language to Finnish.

  214. Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.

  215. High nuclear activity in your area.

  216. What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!

  217. The MGs ran out of gas.

  218. The UPS doesn't have a battery backup.

  219. Recursivity. Call back if it happens again.

  220. Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.

  221. The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.

  222. I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.

  223. The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).

  224. Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1

  225. It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.

  226. A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.

  227. Fatal error right in front of screen

  228. That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.

  229. wrong polarity of neutron flow

  230. Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal

  231. We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.

  232. Ionisation from the air-conditioning

  233. TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.

  234. Someone is broadcasting pigmy packets and the router dosn't know how to deal with them.

  235. The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.

  236. Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces

  237. Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube

  238. You did wha... oh _dear_....

  239. CPU needs bearings repacked

  240. Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!

  241. _Rosin_ core solder? But...

  242. Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...

  243. The computer fletely, mouse and all.

  244. Your cat tried to eat the mouse.

  245. The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.

  246. It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterdy) (last week) (last month)

  247. Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)

  248. Too much radiation coming from the soil.

  249. Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.

  250. Program load too heavy for processor to lift.

  251. Processes running slowly due to weak power supply

  252. Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems

  253. We've run out of licenses

  254. Interference from lunar radiation

  255. Standing room only on the bus.

  256. You need to install an RTFM interface.

  257. That would be because the software doesn't work.

  258. That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.

  259. Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.

  260. We're upgrading /dev/null

  261. The Usenet news is out of date

  262. Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.

  263. It's stuck in the Web.

  264. Your modem doesn't speak English.

  265. The mouse escaped.

  266. All of the packets are empty.

  267. The UPS is on strike.

  268. Neutrino overload on the nameserver

  269. Melting hard drives

  270. Someone has messed up the kernel pointers

  271. The kernel license has expired

  272. Netscape has crashed

  273. The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.

  274. It was OK before you touched it.

  275. Bit rot

  276. U.S. Postal Service

  277. Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.

  278. The Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated.

  279. The static electricity routing is acting up...

  280. Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem.

  281. The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.

  282. High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.

  283. Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening

  284. Electrons on a bender

  285. Telecommunications is upgrading.

  286. Telecommunications is downgrading.

  287. Telecommunications is downshifting.

  288. Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...

  289. Interference between the keyboard and the chair.

  290. The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.

  291. Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.

  292. We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.

  293. You must've hit the wrong anykey.

  294. PCMCIA slave driver

  295. The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.

  296. The hardware bus needs a new token.

  297. Too many interrupts

  298. Not enough interrupts

  299. The data on your hard drive is out of balance.

  300. Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters

  301. appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem

  302. microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system

  303. fractal radiation jamming the backbone

  304. routing problems on the neural net

  305. IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply

  306. CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road

  307. emissions from GSM-phones

  308. CD-ROM server needs recalibration

  309. firewall needs cooling

  310. asynchronous inode failure

  311. transient bus protocol violation

  312. incompatible bit-registration operators

  313. your process is not ISO 9000 compliant

  314. You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.

  315. The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing

  316. Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)

  317. Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.

  318. Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.

  319. Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.

  320. You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.

  321. Scheduled global CPU outage

  322. Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)

  323. Your processor has processed too many intructions. Turn it off emideately, do not type any commands!!

  324. Your packets were eaten by the terminator

  325. Your processor does not develop enough heat.

  326. We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.

  327. The POP server is out of Coke

  328. Fiber optics caused gas main leak

  329. Server depressed, needs Prozak

  330. quatnum decoherence

  331. those damn racoons!

  332. suboptimal routing experience

  333. A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged

  334. 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files

  335. the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference

  336. the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice

  337. the butane lighter causes the pincushioning

  338. old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes

  339. manager in the cable duct

  340. Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).

  341. HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here

  342. HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power

  343. The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?

  344. Network failure - call NBC

  345. Having to manually track the satellite.

  346. Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.

  347. The rubber band broke

  348. We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.

  349. Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.

  350. paradigm shift...without a clutch

  351. PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)

  352. The cables are not the same length.

  353. Second-sytem effect.

  354. Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c

  355. Boredom in the Kernel.

  356. the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!

  357. I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.

  358. struck by the Good Times virus

  359. YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error

  360. Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.

  361. Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.

  362. Plasma conduit breach

  363. Out of cards on drive D:

  364. Sand fleas eating the Internet cables

  365. parallel processors running perpendicular today

  366. ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect

  367. Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.

  368. Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.

  369. Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.

  370. Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.

  371. Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.

  372. Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.

  373. Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine

  374. Its the InterNIC's fault.

  375. Root name servers corrupted.

  376. Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.

  377. Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.

  378. Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.

  379. We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.

  380. Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.

  381. Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.

  382. Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.

  383. Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.

  384. t's an ID-10-T error

  385. Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers

  386. The Internet is being scanned for viruses.

  387. Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.

  388. Bad user karma.

  389. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null

  390. Increased sunspot activity.

  391. We already sent around a notice about that.

  392. It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.

  393. Interferance from the Van Allen Belt.

  394. Jupiter is aligned with Mars.

  395. Redundant ACLs.

  396. Mail server hit by UniSpammer.

  397. T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.

  398. Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.

  399. We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.

  400. We are Microsoft. You are not experiencing problems.

  401. Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.

  402. Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.

  403. Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.

  404. Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.

  405. Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.

  406. Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.

  407. Route flapping at the NAP.

  408. Computers under water due to SYN flooding.

  409. The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.

  410. Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.

  411. Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.

  412. Radial Telemetry Infiltration

  413. Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.

  414. tachyon emissions overloading the system

  415. Maintence window broken

  416. We're out of slots on the server

  417. Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.

  418. Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.

  419. Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem

  420. Feature was not beta tested

  421. Domain controler not responding

  422. Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!

  423. It's not RFC-822 compliant.

  424. operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)

  425. stop bit received

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