Richard Williams presents



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Everything is in sepia, except for the white bones and the white desert; the sun has bleached all colour out of them. They are terriblelooking and monstrous, but hopelessly chicken-hearted. They have hoofhands, peg-legs, ears stitched on backwards, dents in heads, eyes missing,

82.

teeth missing, scars. They are heavily muscled and covered in dust. What clothing they have is made of remnants of bygone days: half a boot, a third of a hat, a piece of a sock - all stitched together in a futile attempt.



Cut to a Brigand lying on his stomach, amusing himself by building up a pile of bones, like a house of cards, and humming to himself the tune of "Danny Boy". This pathetic drone is the music which underpins the early part of the sequence.

We pull back from him to reveal Chief Roofless, the largest of the Brigands, with a slightly aristocratic beard and moustache. He has a Welsh accent; all the other Brigands have strong Irish accents. He is drawing maps in the sand, sifting it through his fingers, muttering to himself. Goolie, a smaller Brigand, shares his lament:

Roofless:

AY.


AY.

TIMES HAS CHANGED, GOaLIE.

Goolie:

AH, AND INDEED, AND THEY HAVE, CHIEFTAIN.

Roofless:

MM.


LONG AGO IT WAS ALL DIFFERENT.

Goolie:


AND INDEED AND IT WAS.

Roofless:

THINGS IS NOT WHAT THEY USED TO BE, YOU KNOW.

Goolie:


NO.

OH NO.


NO THEY'RE NOT.

Roofless:

MM.

THAT'S FOR SURE.



Roofless:

THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. AH, IT WAS. . . IT WAS DIFFERENT THEN.

Goolie:

Goolie:


AH, IT WAS.

We pull back from the Chieftain and Goolie to take in more, and eventually all, of the forty Brigands.

Brigand One:

IT USED TO BE DIFFERENT.

Brigands join in, muttering and coughing.

Brigand Two:

GOD BE WITH THE OLD DAYS.

Brigand Three: Brigand One: Brigand Four:

THE OLD DAYS WERE THE BEST DAYS.

AYE. NOTHING LASTS.

NOTHING.

Brigand Five:

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT CARAVAN FROM BALTHUSA?

Brigand Six:

OCH t AYE, AND INDEED AND I DO.

Brigand Three:

Brigand Four:

Brigand Two:

Brigand Seven:

Brigand Four:

Brigand Eight:

Brigand Two:

Brigand Four:

Brigand Nine:

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I REMEMBER IT WELL, WHEN WE STARTED OFF TOGETHER.



THE FORTY OF US. BRIGANDS.

FORTY FINE TERRIBLE

INDEED, AYE.

FORTY FINE LADS.

AND All BABA, LORD REST HIS SOUL.

WONDERFUL, POWERFUL MAN. GORGEOUS MAN.

DEAR, LOVELY MAN.

DID YOU EVER SEE THE LIKE?

THERE WASN'T A BETTER MAN UNDER THE SUN.

We move back to the bone-building Brigand, who h~s quite a high pile by now. He puts up the final bone, which just balances, and pulls back in satisfaction, as we hear a distant voice shouting.

On the horizon beyond him a tiny speck appears. This is done as a simulation of a telephoto lens shot - the figure is running frantically forward but seemingly getting nowhere.

The running figure emerges as Sgt Hook, his voice becoming more audible as he gets closer.

Sgt Hook: THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING! HERE COMES A CARAVAN! THERE'S A CARAVAN COMING! A C . . . A CA . . . A CARAVAN! A C . . . CARAVAN IS COMING!

He is right up close to the lens now. We see that his hook is on his foot, not on his hand. He wheels right, knocking over the delicate tower of bones, and slides, as if coming in to home plate, into the main group of Brigands.

Sgt Hook:

HERE COMES A CAR-A-VAN !!!

He catches his foot-hook around the central bone-tree and spins around it. It collapses. A vulture's skull lands on Hook IS head, covering his face. He sits, stunned for a moment.

Brigand One:

Brigand Two:

Brigand Eight:

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

AH, WILL YOU STOP GOING ON?

CLEAR OFF!

84.


Brigand Four:

WHAT D'YOU TAKE US FOR?

Brigands continue laughing and jeering.

Sgt Hook:

IT IS!

IT IS!


IT IS A CARAVAN!

Roofless:

A CARAVAN?

Brigands mutter "A CARA VAN?

A CARAVAN?II

Roofless:

A CARAVAN!!!

Brigands:

WE'RE RICH!!!

They begin leaping about, shouting: Brigand Nine: FURS! Brigand Three: JEWELS! Brigand Two: HORSES! Brigand One: HORSES! Brigand Five: HORSES! Brigand Ten: FOOD! Brigand Eleven: DRINK! Brigand Twelve: DRINK! Brigand Five: A-A-AND WOMEN! Brigand Ten: WOMEN!

Brigands laugh and cheer, some breaking into bawdy laughter, others going into dream.

Brigand Seven:

HAR A HAR HAR SNORT ARG . . . OH (embarrassed)

Brigand Eight:

I REMEMBER ONE NOW.

SHE HAD. . .

Brigand Five:

SHE HAD?

Brigand Two:

AW, SHE DID AND ALL, I TELL Y A.

Brigand Twelve:

SILK!


Brigands leap about yelling, SILK! into post-orgial exhaustion.

SILK!, then gradually quiet

Brigand Two:

11M EXHAUSTED.

Brigand Four:

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

BUT WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

G roup shot as other Brigands begin to wonder the same thing.

Brigand Thirteen:

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!

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Brigand Two:



AH, HE'S RIGHT.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Sgt Hook, who now has removed the vulture's skull from his head, grabs the Chieftain's beard.

Sgt Hook:

CHIEFTAIN.

WHA T 'TIS IT THAT WE DO NOW, THEN?

Roofless:

MAY I REMIND YOU, GENTLEMEN, THAT WHEN IN DOllBT. . .

Chief Roofless reaches into an old gunny sack and pulls out a huge dusty book. Scorpions, spiders and desert bugs scatter from inside the sack and the other Brigands stare in religious awe, as if the Holy Grail has been produced. Several fall to their knees, heads bowed in respect.

Roofless:

( continuing) . . . CONSULT. . (dusts off the book) . . . THE BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK!

Goolie:


THE BRIGANDS' HANDBOOK.

Brigands:

AAAAH!

Brigand Three:



THE BOOK!

Brigand Two:

THE BOOK!

Brigand Ten:

THE BOOOOOK!

Brigand Four:

'TIS THE BOOK!

Brigand Fourteen:

IS THAT THE BOOK ITSELF?

Brigand One:

'TIS THE BOOK. . . OF WORDS!

Brigand Four:

AH 'TIS, 'TIS!

Sgt Hook:

QUIET!

YOU FOOLS!



HE'S GaiN' TA READ.

Brigands:

AAAAH!

All go into a respectful silence as the Chieftain opens the book. Flies, gnats and various bugs jump out. As he fishes through the pages, he grabs a skinny, tattered snake living within the book and uses it as a 'bookmark' to find his line. The snake, too, is fascinated by the words.



Roofless:

(reading)

A . . . ER . . . AMBUSH!

Brigands:

AMBUSH.

AMBUSH.


Roofless:

( reading)

B . .

. B I . . . BURGLARY!



Brigands:

BURGLARY. . .

86.

Roofless:



( reading) C . . . CAR. ATTACKS ON!

. . A . . . VAN. ATTACKS ON . .

. . CARAVAN! . CARAVAN. RIGHT!

Brigands push forward to see, making expectant noises.

Sgt Hook:

SSH!


SSH!

QUIET, YOU FOOLS!

Brigand Fourteen:

AH, HE'S GaiN', HE'S GOIN' TA READ AGAIN!

Roofless:

THE. . . BRIGANDS. . PO . . . PO-SI-SHEE-ON . BEHIND. . . A ROCK!

. WILL TAKE UP . . . . . POSITION. . .

Goolie:


A ROC K ?

Brigand Ten:

A ROCK!

Brigands all look around for a rock.

Brigand Four:

WHERE IS A ROCK?

Brigand Eight:

WHERE?


WHERE'S THE ROCK?

Brigand Eleven:

WHERE IS THE ROCK?

Brigand Six:

I DON'T SEE IT!

Brigand Five:

I DON'T SEE A THING!

Brigand Three:

HAVE YOU SEEN A ROCK?

Brigand Two:

WHERE IS A ROCK?

Goolie:


THERE IT IS OVER THERE!

Brigand Ten:

A ROCK!

Goolie:


AND ISN'T IT LOOKING WELL?

All the Brigands look at the same spot, off, and the camera

zooms over to an isolated, small, technicolour, Persian rock colourful thing in this sequence so far.

the on Iy

Roofless:

RIGHT THEN!

TAKE UP YOUR POSITIONS!

There is a terrible stampede, stumbling and falling, as all the Brigands steam off, cheering, towards the rock.

Cut to an extreme close-up of the technicolour rock and the camera pulls back, revealing the forty Brigands with their heads behind the rock like ostriChes, their bodies fully revealed, spilling and sticking out all over the place. The snake wriggles along the ground and joins the pile.

87.


Roofless:

QUIET!! !

The Brigands, groaning and struggling, become quiet, shhshing each other.

Brigand One:

SHUT UP, YOU FOOL!

Brigand Two:

KEEP YOUR ARSE DOWN!

KEEP IT DOWN!

The shhshing gradually subsides as the camera pulls back into a long shot, showing the tiny rock with the mass of bodies far below in the vast desert, then pans a long way left, ending up on the Cobbler's party, moving towards the Brigands.

SEQ. 8.2.

Cut to a medium close-up of the Cobbler's party. The Cobbler is in front, leading the Camel. He is exhausted but the Camel is cool. The Four Eunuchs, carrying the palanquin, also appear unaffected by the heat.

A good distance behind, the Thief follows, more dead than alive, crawling, stumbling forward, falling on his face, crawling again, lurching forward in an erratic path. His tongue is hanging out. Obviously, he has forgotten to steal any water and he is half crazed. Even his flies droop; they sit on his hat, except when he falls to the ground - when they momentarily fly up.

Cut to the inside of the palanquin. YumYum is looking out, chin in hand. Princess MeeMee is playing with the Prince's multi-toed feet. The Prince is gurgling, snorting and giggling.

Princess MeeMee:

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD ROAST BEEF AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT IIWEE WEE WEE WEEII

(continuing with more toes on the same foot) THIS LITTLE PIGGY CROSSED THE DESERT AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME THIS LITTLE PIGGY ATE SWEETIES AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE!

Princess MeeMee:

Bubba:


Princess MeeMee:

Bubba:


SEQ. 8.3.

88.


(continu ing) AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS PRETTY AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS NOT! AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE DESERT MOUNT A\N . . . AND SAW THE MAD AND HOLY OLD WITCH WHO TURNED HIM BACK INTO A PRINCE!

( desperately)

SHE WILL? SHE WILL? SAY SHE WILL!

YES, SHE WILL!

SHE WILL!

(clapping his hands) SHE-WI LL -SHE-WILL -SHE-WILL -SHE-WILL!

Cut to behind the rock where the Brigands are all huddled, heads crushed together, against Chief Roofless and the Handbook, legs and bodies still sticking out in full view, still shhshing each other.

Brigand Four:

Brigand Two:

Brigand One:

Sgt Hook:

Roofless:

( whispering)

THERE THEY ARE!

( whispering)

AYE, THEY'RE THERE!

( whispering)

THEY'RE THERE!

THEY'RE HERE, CHIEF!

WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY NOW?

W HAT? 0 H . . . EM . . . a H, Y E H . . .

Muttering, he searches through the Handbook.

Roofless:

Brigands:

Brigand Thirteen:

Roofless:

(continuing) HERE IT IS. THE. . ATTACK. . . AT . . THE. . . TRUMPET!

. BRIGANDS. . . WILL. . . . THE. . . SOUND. . . OF . . .

AAH.

AUTHOR!


AUTHOR!

SPEECH!


RIGHT!

GOaLIE!


Cut to a screen full of Brigands' heads all mashed together. The one farthest away yells:

Goolie:


RIGHT, CHIEFTAIN!

--

89.



Goolie, at the back of the pile, clambers over the top of the other Brigands, stepping on their heads, and gets on top of the rock. He raises a battered and bent trumpet to his lips and blows an air-filled raspberry, expelling spiders, scorpions and gnats in a cloud of dust from the bell.

Brigand Thirteen:

FOR THE MONEY IT'S RIDICULOUS!

Cut to a front view of the Cobbler, frozen stock-still, and the Prince and two Princesses looking out from both sides of the palanquin. Only the Camel raises his eyes to heaven. Further back, we see the Thief, looking like Kilroy, staring over a dune.

Goolie, having cleared his trumpet, blows a wild, out-of-tune, CHARGE, and there is a tremendous scuffle as the whole pack of Brigands race from behind the rock, imitating cavalry attack sounds:

Brigands:

CHA-A-A-A-ARGE! ! TA-DA! . . . TA-DA! . . . TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-A-A-A-A-A! TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-DA-DA-DA-TUM!

There is a whirl of sand and arms and legs and general confusion. When the dust settles, it reveals a formation of Brigands, grouped behind Chief Roofless, facing the Cobbler's tiny caravan. They growl menacingly and unconvincingly, though they look frightening enough.

Chief Roofless stares at the Cobbler, who stares back at Chief Roofless. The Chieftain stands holding his staff with his emblem in one hand. He moves his other hand to his sword. They stare at each other for a moment more, than the Chieftain looks confused and says:

Roofless:

ER . . . ER . . .

Another Brigand hands him the Book, and do next, he leafs through the Handbook, muttering he finds the next order.

to find out what to as he does so, until

Roofless:

(lowering Handbook)

HA-A-A-A-ALT!

YumYum jumps angrily out of the palanquin, marches all a-jiggle up to Chief Roofless, stands with hands on hips and says:

Princess YumYum:

WHO. . . OR SHOULD I SAY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU? OH MY GOD. . .

Goolie:


90.

Roofless:

WELL. . . I . . .

Princess YumYum:

ANSWER ME!

Roofless:

WELL. . . ER . . . I AM ROOFLESS! THE CHIEFTAIN!

Princess YumYum:

YOU ARE WHAT?

Roofless:

I AM ROOFLESS!

Princess YumYum:

YOU ARE RUTHLESS?

Roofless:

NO. I AM ROOFLESS! (He points to his half-removed scalp)

Princess YumYum:

ROOFLESS?

Sgt Hook:

YES. YES. HE IS ROOFLESS! (they point to their heads)

Goolie:


ROOFLESS, OUR CHIEFTAIN!

Roofless:

YES. I AM ROOFLESS AND THIS IS MY BAND OF BRIGANDS! THEY ARE RUTHLESS!

Princess YumYum:

ROOFLESS?

Roofless:

NO, RUTHLESS.

I AM ROOFLESS!

Brigand Two:

AYE, QUITE RIGHT!

Brigand Fifteen:

YOU HAVE HER THERE, CHIEF!

Brigand One:

RIGHT!


RIGHT!

Goolie:


AND ISN'T HE LOOKING WELL. . .

Other Brigands join in making encouraging noises.

Roofless:

WE ARE TERRIBLE!

Pan over the horrendous-looking crew.

Roofless:

(continuing) SADISTIC!

MERCILESS!

One sticks his finger in another's empty eye-socket.

Roofless:

(continuing)

CRUEL!


Another slams his hoof-hand into another's face.

Roofless:

(continuing)

AND VICIOUS!

Zoom in to Roofless's teeth.

91.


Brigands get more and more worked up, repeating Chief Roofless's boasts, grunting, rattling bones, pounding hooves, grinding teeth, growling and laughing evilly. Cut to an aerial view of an enormous blank desert, the tiny

group as dots below.

Chief Roofless's voice continues over:

Roofless:

(v .0.)

AND WE ARE THE SCOURGE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE!

Cut back to medium close-up of Chief Roofless and his men.

Brigand Ten:

THE SCOURGE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE!

As the Brigands growl frighteningly, cut to MeeMee's face and the eyeball of the Prince, peeking through the palanquin curtain. The Eunuchs stand like furniture.

The Cobbler steps in front of YumYum, striking a fighting pose at Chief Roofless, who towers over him.

Princess YumYum:

(hands on hips)

DON'T BE SILLY!

Roofless:

(taken aback)

WHAT?

(He begins to bluster)



Princess YumYum:

YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO YOUR PROFESSION! JUST LOOK AT YOU!

All the Brigands look at each other.

Roofless:

WELL. . . ER . . . ARGH . . . AH, WELL, THINGS HAS NOT BEEN TOO GOOD LATELY, LIKE, YOU KNOW. IN FACT, THIS IS THE FIRST CARAVAN WE'VE SEEN FOR THIRTY YEARS, ISN'T IT, BOYS?

The Brigands mutter agreement.

Goolie:

AND THAT'S TRUE.

Brigand Three:

DON IT I RECALL IT?

Roofless:

WELL. . . ER . . . WE IS DOING OUR BEST! . . .

Princess YumYum:

WELL, STAND UP STRAIGHT!

Sgt Hook:

WE ARE!


Brigand One:

ARE!


Roofless:

OH, YES.

YES, WE IS!

Princess YumYum:

LOOK AT YOU!

LOOK AT YOU!

92.

LOOK AT THE STATE OF YOUR SHOES!



Princess YumYum:

All the Brigands look down at their shoes and we see their terrible feet.

Princess YumYum:

LINE UP AND MY COBBLER WILL ATTEND TO EACH OF YOU IN TURN!

Brigands:

AAAH!


The Cobbler immediately gets on his knees, and takes out a big needle. He starts stitching up as the rest of the Brigands sheepishly fall in line.

fishes in his pants, the Chieftain's boots

Princess YumYum:

FALL IN, THERE! (to Chief Roofless)

NO PUSHING!

I AM THE PRINCESS YUMYUM, DAUGHTER OF YOUR KING!

Brigands:

AH!


OH!

Princess YumYum:

YOUR COUNTRY IS IN GRAVE DANGER!

Brigands:

AAH!

Princess YumYum:



I HEREBY DECLARE YOU MY ROYAL GUARD!

Roofless:

(to himself)

ROYAL GUARD. . . ROYAL GUARD!

Brigands:

OH!


AH!

Princess YumYum:

SO PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!

Roofless:

ROY AL GUARD, BOYS!

The Brigands start milling about in a man~led attempt at soldiering and shouting military-type orders at each other.

Roofless:

RIGHT, QUIET! QUIET! QUIET! QUIET! I IS THE COMMANDER OF THE ROYAL GUARD!

Brigand Thirteen:

SPEECH!


Fade.

SEQ. 9.0.

Fade in on a huge red eye. The camera pulls back and we see it is the One-Eyes' ghastly one-eyed flag, flapping.

It is twilight, high up in the mountains. We see ZigZag dismounting in the shadows near the flag. He says to the vulture,

93.

who hops along after him:



ZigZag:

THE CAMP OF THE ONE-EYES! HOW VERY NICE! PERHAPS THEY'LL BE WILLING TO PAY MY PRICE!

Z ig Zag takes the flag down.

As he does it, he says to Phido:

ZigZag:

THIS MAY BE USEFUL. . . YOU NEVER KNOW. . . PERHAPS AS A PROP FOR MY MAG IC SHOW!

He tucks the flag away into his robe.

ZigZag:


(continuing) I'LL HAVE THESE BARBARIANS KISSING MY FEET. AND MAYBE WEILL FIND YOU SOMETHING TO EAT! EH, PHIDO?

Cut to Phido, hopping along, wings hooked around his stomach, gasping. He is near starvation.

Suddenly, four huge shields appear, surrounding ZigZag and the vulture. Four enormous One-Eyes glare at the trapped ZigZag, their spears at his throat.

ZigZag:


GENTLEMEN! GENTLEMEN! WHAT A DELIGHT! TO MEET YOU ALL HERE ON SUCH A FINE NIGHT!

SEQ. 9.1.

Cut to the inside of the Mighty One-Eye's tent. The walls are lined with torches and one-eyed guards. The colours are green and black, with the purple faces of the One-Eyes, black flickering shadows from the orange flames. Pigs are turning slowly on spits and women dancers gyrate slowly to strange music. Curli-cueing smoke rises to the top of the tent, escaping through a vent.

The Mighty One-Eye reclines on a human divan of scantily-clad,

94.

live women.



He is spilling wine on them and gorging himself with a Throughout the sequence, he fondles and slaps his human

leg of fowl. furniture.

It looks like Hell on Earth.

When ZigZag is pushed through the entrance, the One-Eye rises to his feet in curiosity, snaps his fingers, and says:

Mighty One-Eye:

THRONE!


The One-Eye women who were comprising his divan, jump up as he says this and re-interlock very fast, snorting and chortling, into a perfectly-trained, balletic circus-type, interlocking throne position. Seating himself on his human-throne, the One-Eye assumes a formal manner for the benefit of ZigZag.

ZigZag is temporarily taken aback by the whole scene. It was more than he was expecting. He stares at the Mighty One-Eye and his own left eye starts to blink slightly - sort of keying himself in for the

scene.

Phido sees the food and, drooling, makes a run toward one of the roasting pigs. As he does so, he pulls ZigZag by the leash to the ground, flat on his face.



ZigZag:

OOOO!


Phido, flapping, can't quite reach the spit.

Phido:


OOOO!

OOOO!


Throughout the rest of this scene, Phido is rolling his eyes, drooling, gasping and suffering trying to get near the food.

Mighty One-Eye:

WHAT IS THIS!

ZigZag:


FORGIVE THE BEHAVIOUR

(beginning to get up)

OF MY WINGED BEAST. . . HE'S QUITE OVERCOME BY THE SIGHT OF YOUR FEAST. . .

Still on the ground, ZigZag reaches out, yanks the leash, almost throttling Phido, and pulls him back.

ZigZag:

PHI DO!


UMPH!

Mighty One-Eye:

WHO DARES ENTER THE CAMP OF THE MIGHTY ONE-EYE?

95.


ZigZag:

OH, MIGHTY ONE-EYE - I I AM ZIGZAG, THE GREAT, OF THE GOLDEN LAND! AND I WAS, OF LATE, THE KING'S RIGHT HAND!

Mighty One-Eye: ZigZag:

AND. . . ?

I AM A MAGICIAN, A SORCERER, TOO! AND 11M IN A POSITION, I THINK, TO SERVE YOU!

Mighty One-Eye:

SORCERER? MAGICIAN? VERY WELL. . . AMUSE ME!

The One-Eye guards withdraw, and ZigZag leaps to his feet, leering. He makes a broad sweep with his arm and green fire and smoke burst in front of him.

ZigZag:

I CONJURE DEMONS!

(swings his arm around and a glowing mini-dragon appears) (The dragon takes its tail into its mouth and forms a hoop, which ZigZag plucks out of the smoke. The dragon /hoop bursts into flames.) AN 0 BIRDS OF PREY, TOO! (ZigZag looks at Phido)

CHARM BEASTS!

PHIDO!

On this cue, Phido jumps through the flaming hoop, his tailfeathers catching fire. As his arse bursts into flame, Phido screams:



Phido:

SQUAWK!!! !

Phido runs right out of the tent, his leash charred, dragging after him.

ZigZag:


BUT AS YOU WILL SEE THAT'S NOT ALL I CAN DO! HA-HA!

(He whips a handkerchief out of his sleeve, shakes it once, waves it over his head and it becomes a huge One-Eye flag.)

On HA-HA! ZigZag rams the end of the flagpole into the ground.

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