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SEQ. 2. 1.

----------


It is still early morning. The great spiked panels of the palace gate are opening again. A gong rings.
Dwarf's voice: (off) OPEN FOR THE ROYAL POLO PONIES!

Eunuchs: (echoing in castrati)

OPEN FOR THE ROYAL POLO PONIES!

OPEN FOR THE ROYAL POLO PONIES!

OPEN FOR THE ROYAL POLO PONIES!
A procession of horsemen on a string of magnificent polo ponies begins to pass through the gate. There are twenty-four horses - twelve black and twelve white. Toward the end of the line, as they are filing past, we see a rubbish collector's push-cart on two large wheels, a halo of flies hovering over the filthy can. The Thief sticks his head out, looks to see if anybody's watching, peers toward the open gate, and ducks his head back in out of sight.
With his head out of view, his two arms come over the top of the bin and, with difficulty at first, he starts pushing the wheels, like a paraplegic, trying to follow the horses.
Because the Thief can It get going fast enough, the last horses are half-way across the draw-bridge, over the moat before the Thief, temporarily stuck at the top of a slight rise, sticks his head back out, takes aim, and propels himself very hard down the rise. The cart rolls precariously down the slope and across the bridge, followipg the end horses.

B.


The Thief has his arms inside now, and we only see the cart itself, in long shot, go right across the bridge, where the horses have gone in, past the guards on either side of the gate. It goes right inside the gate... but only temporarily, as the cart turns and goes back out of the gate, wiggling and wobbling halfway across the bridge. It stops, stuck against a plank at the side of the bridge.

Pause. The guards are watching, mystified. The two arms, after a time, come out of the bin, reach to the wheels, and give a hefty push, and the Thief dumps himself into the moat. Splash!

He can't swim, but makes a pathetic attempt. Mostly submerged, he struggles his way alongside the palace, out of sight of the guards, around a curve, where he is just able to save himself by grabbing onto the square~ended vent of a large pipe which runs up the outside of the palace wall. With great difficulty, the Thief wriggles his way inside the vent and we leave him working his way up the inside of the palace piping.

SEQ. 2.2.

Cut to the throne room ZigZag is up close to the King, confidentially. The pink palanquin is being brought forward by the four bearer-eunuchs. It looks pretty heavy. (Whenever the pink palanquin and its contents appear in the picture, there is the constant sound of heavy, usually excited breathing from within.)

ZigZag:


AND NOW, 0 GREATEST OF THE GREAT, TO REST YOU FROM AFFAIRS OF STATE, I'VE SEARCHED THE WORLD, AND BROUGHT YOU THENCE AT NO LITTLE EFFORT, AND GREAT EXPENSE, A PLAYTHING FROM FAR SOUTH OF GAZA A BOUNTIFUL MAIDEN FROM MOMBASSA!

Through the air, ZigZag IS hands trace an enormously voluptuous female shape, as he says "BOUNTIFUL MAIDEN" and, as he says "FROM MOMBASSA", he leans right into the ear of the King.

Goblet:

MOMBASSA ...

Gopher: Slap:

MOMBASSA ...

MOMBASSA ...

Tickle:


(giggling)

MOMBASSA ...

14.

ZigZag gestures to the palanquin, and we see a dark, longlashed violet female eye, peeking through the folds.



The King, raising his head and coming out of his stupor,

says:


King:

MOMBASSA?

At this, there is a deep chortle from inside the palanquin.

SEQ. 2.3.

Cut to the outside of the palace, quite high up to see an elaborate system of piping, jointed and curving. We know the Thief is working his way along the inside, followed by the halo of flies on the outside. The joints and pipes are vibrating and trembling with his weight. The odd nail and screw and plaster fall loose, as he works his way ever upwards.

Cut to interior, Princess' chambers. Trees grow through the floor and birds sing. The Princess is on a swing. She swings gently in and out of the picture. The Cobbler is silhouetted against a window, cobbling furiously, when she swings up towards him, with her one little bare foot. Every time she swings out of shot, he stops working and looks lovestruck after her. And then, when the foot comes back in, he is cobbling furiously.

She is singing, obviously still amused by the oddity of the Cobbler. The shy Cobbler is trying to measure her foot, blushing, getting up and sitting down, to get things, afraid to measure her foot, afraid to touch her, hitting his thumbs.

There is a great creaking and a large pipe falls just into view outside the large window behind the Cobbler, pulled half off the palace wall by the weight of the Thief crawling up the inside. The Cobbler and Princess are tab pre-occupied with each other to notice.

SEQ. 2.4.

Cut to the palace wall, outside the same window. We see the piping ripping loose as the Thief makes his way up. The piping doesn't quite falloff, though, and we travel upwards with the pipes to the top of the palace, where we can see the City down below. The piping leads into a turret with a single crescent-moan-shaped window. The Thief makes his way successfully up the tubing and into the base of the turret.

15.

Cut to the King's chamber. We see a luxuriously appointed commode. A crescent-moan-shaped window shows the blue sky outside. The hole is surrounded by green silk cushioning, studded with gems. A golden sash is hanging, encrusted with large emeralds and rubies. The royal crest is on the base of the commode and an ornate toiletpaper holder holds the royal toilet paper, with the King's crest embossed on each square of the paper. Red velvet drapes, and a deep rug.



Pan left to the King's bedchamber. Straddled across the King's bed is the pink palanquin. The King is sitting on the end of the bed, poking into the quivering pink drapery, and grunting amusedly. From inside, we hear deep, husky giggles. The drapery outlines the various shapely orbs, and we see the flash of painted toes, a hand, an ear, a thigh. . .

Pan right, back to the commode as the erotic chortlinq continues out of shot. Flies first appear from the bowl of the commode and hover, followed by the Th ief's feet. A fter some squeegy sounds, the Thief's robe appears, and finally, his head. He manages to get one hand out onto the marble topping, when he is transfixed at the sight of the jewel-encrusted sash. With difficulty, he reaches up and grabs the shining sash. It pulls down a bit, and there is the sound of what can only be described as a medieval flushing.

For a moment, the Thief's head, in total surprise, stays there as his shoulders and body whirr . . . and then he is flushed away.

Cut to a top shot, looking down the dark bowl as the Thief's eyes disappear down the tube.

Cut to the pink palanquin. The King's head peeps out quizzically from within the folds. He has heard the sound of the flushing.

Cut to the outside of the piping against the palace walls. Very fast cuts as the Thief shoots down the inside of all the tubes, picking up momentum, like a pin ball. He shoots out of the original vent, SPLASH, right back into the moat.

SEQ. 2. 5.

Cut back to the Princess' chamber.

The Cobbler is shyly

putting the repaired slipper on the Princess' tiny foot.

He can hardly

16.


bring himself to do it, and is stopping and starting.

Princess YumYum:

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. THAN NEW.

IT'S BETTER

As soon as the slipper is on, a gong goes and the four huge, muscle-bound, smooth, black, shiny-skinned eunuchs fill the doorway. They are the same four eunuchs who carried the pink palanquin. Each has a large scimitar.

YumYum spreads a protective hand towards the Cobbler and steps in front of him.

Out from behind a eunuch's pantaloon pops the shrunken dwarf and in his deep basso profunda he booms out the recitative.

D wa rf :

OH BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS YUMYUM!

He is followed up on high by the castrati barbershop quartet holding their notes in "chime" chords.

Eunuch 1:

OH


Eunuch 2:

BEAUTIFUL

Eunuch 3:

PRINCESS

Eunuch 4:

YUMYUM!


Dwarf:

(leaping for another leg a stage curtain)

as if it were

THE GREAT LORD ZIGZAG

Eunuch 1:

THE


Eunuch 2:

GREAT


Eunuch 3:

LORD


Eunuch 4:

ZIGZAG


Dwarf:

(leaping to another leg) SENDS GREETINGS!

Eunuchs:

(all four in harmony) SENDS GREETINGS!

Dwarf:

(leaps to another leg) AND BIDS YOU RETURN



Eunuch 1:

AND


Eunuch 2:

BIDS


17.

Eunuch 3:

YOU

Eunuch 4:



RETURN

Dwarf:


(hops to another leg) THE COBBLER

Eunuchs:

(all four in harmony) THE COBBLER

Dwarf


(hops to another leg) INTO H IS CARE!

Princess YumYum frowns.

Eunuch 1:

IN


Eunuch 2:

TO


Eunuch 3:

HIS


Eunuch 4:

CARE


Dwarf:

(hops again) FOR BEHEADING!

Eunuchs:

(all four in harmony) FOR BEHEADING!

Princess YumYum is shocked.

A tack falls from the Cobbler's

mouth.

She picks it up and sticks it back in for him.



Dwarf:

(hops aga in) WHEN YOU HAVE DONE WITH

Eunuch 1:

WHEN YOU HAVE DONE WITH (hops aga in) HIM!

Eunuch 2:

Eunuch 3:

Eunuch 4:

Dwarf:


Eunuchs:

(all in harmony) HYMN!

The Princess with a sly smile takes off her other slipper and snaps it in two.

Princess YumYum:

NOT AT THE MOMENT (she hands the broken slipper to the Cobbler)

18.


NOT TODAY!

(she continues to smile at the eunuchs)

The eunuchs exit backwards, bowing. curtain closes, we hear the same gong.

As the doorway

SEQ.2.6.

Cut to a close-up of ZigZag's head. In the background is the desert. A pyramid and a sphinx go by . . . giving the impression that he is riding somewhere. The camera pulls back and we see it is a large painting being carried by two of his yes-men, Slap and Tickle.

ZigZag is seated on a semi-throne.

He kicks off his slippers.

ZigZag:

GOPHER!


Gopher:

YOUR COMMAND IS MY WISH, MILORD!

ZigZag:

(pointing to his feet) BANDAGES!

Gopher runs over to an ornate Persian box with a little red cross in the centre of its design, and takes out some bandages, pronto.

ZigZag:


(holding out his hand) GOBLET. . . GOBLET!

Goblet:


(pouring wine into a goblet) YOUR GRACE! YOUR GRACE! YOUR PLEASURE, MILORD! AVEC PLAISIR!

Goblet promptly places the goblet in ZigZag's hand.

Gopher:

(returning with bandages) CON MUCHO GUSTO!

Gopher stands, preparing the bandages.

Goblet qlares at him.

Goblet:

(to ZigZag) YOUR GRACE!

Gopher;

YOUR REVERENCE!

Goblet:

YOUR EMINENCE!

Gopher:

EMINENCE!

MEMSAH I B !

Goblet:


YOUR DIVINITY!

19.


Slap and Tickle have put the painting down and adjust ZigZag's bolsters and help with his damaged feet. The four of them compete in anticipating and attending to ZigZag's needs.

ZigZag:


(pointing to his right foot) SLAP!

Slap:


YES MASTER SIR!

ZigZag:


(pointing to other foot) TICKLE!

Tickle:


OH, CERTAINLY, MY LORD! OH, AT ONCE, YOUR HIGHNESS!

AHAHAHA!

ZigZag:

GOPHER!


Gopher:

YOUR LORDSHIP. YOUR ALL-ON-HIGH. I AM AS DUST AT YOUR FEET.

ZigZag:

GOBLET!


Goblet:

YOUR GRACE. EMINENCE.

YOUR PLEASURE, MY LORD!

ZigZag:


SLAP!

Slap:


OH, YOUR REVERENCE, YOUR HOLINESS, YOUR. . . YOUR. . .

ZigZag:


TICKLE!

ZigZag:


OH CERTAINLY, MY LORD! OH, AT ONCE, YOUR HIGHNESS! AHAHAHA! GOB LET!

Tickle:


Goblet:

ZigZag:


MY PLEASURE, WITH PLEASURE, EXCELLENCE! GOPHER!

Gopher:


YOUR REVERENCE, SIRE.

YOUR WORSHIP!

ZigZag: Slap:

TICKLE!


MY FEET!

OH!


GLADLY, MASTER.

(He tickles ZigZag's feet)

ZigZag:

NO, YOU FOOL!

OINTMENT!

BALM!


Tickle:

AHAHAHA!

Slap:

OH, SORRY, MASTER!



Goblet:

GET ON WITH IT!

Gopher:

MAKE HASTE!

20.

ZigZag:


AH, GOPHER. . .

Gopher:


YOUR WORSHIP.

ZigZag:


. . . GOBLET. . .

Goblet:


YOUR GRACE.

ZigZag:


. . . SLAP. . .

Slap:


MASTER.

ZigZag:


. . . AND TICKLE. . .

Tickle:


AHAHAHAHA!

ZigZag:


AFFECTIONS OF THE WORLD ARE FICKLE...

Goblet:


YES!

Gopher:


SO TRUE!

Slap:


VERY TRUE!

Tickle:


YES!

ZigZag: Goblet:

BUT I'M REVERED THROUGHOUT THE LAND.

YES, MILORD!

Gopher:

EVERYWHERE!

Slap:

CERTAINLY ARE, SIR!



Tickle:

OH, YOU ARE REVERED.

ABSOLUTELY.

(Slap and Tickle stroke him ardently)

ZigZag:

(to Tickle) CAREFUL WHERE YOU PUT YOUR HAND!

Tickle:

AHAHAHA!

Goblet:

(to Tickle) CRETIN!

ZigZag:

NOTICE HOW I HANDLE THINGS . . .

Gopher: Slap:

SO TRUE!

YES.

VERY TRUE, THAT.



YES!

ZigZag:


KNOWING ALL THE NEEDS OF KINGS.

Goblet:


OH, WISE ONE.

Gopher:


INDEED!

Slap:


WELL, YOU WOULD, WOULDN IT YOU?

21.


Tickle:

ZigZag:


WELL, OF COURSE, NATURALLY! NO MATTER WHAT MAY CAUSE DELAY, IN THE END I GET MY WAY.

Goblet:


OH, GET YOUR OWN WAY ALL RIGHT, YES!

Gopher: Slap:

AND RIGHTLY SO!

WE'RE READY TO OBEY TOO, SI R!

Tickle:

NATURALLY, HE ALWAYS DOES GET IT!

AHAHAHA!

The gong goes, and the four eunuchs appear in the doorway. ZigZag looks up.

ZigZag:

AND WHAT DID PRINCESS YUMYUM SAY?

Out pops the dwarf from the pantleg curtains and bellows

deeply.


Dwarf:

NOT AT THE MOMENT!

Eunuch 1 :

NOT


Eunuch 2:

AT


Eunuch 3:

THE


Eunuch 4:

MOMENT


Dwarf:

(hopping to another leg) NOT TODAY!

Eunuchs:

(all four in harmony) NOT TODAY!

ZigZag forces a smile, all teeth.

ZigZag:


J THANK YOU TOO MUCH!

Fade.


SEQ. 3.

Fade in on the outside wall of the palace. The sun is much higher now. We move in to a close shot of the vertical piping, vibrating as the Thief inside makes his way. More plaster and screws fall loose. Precarious. The camera pulls back and we see the piping leading up high to the Kingls turret, the City below. Because this time the camera is back further, we see there is aT-junction in the piping leading

22.

sideways off to another turret, with a large window. The shaking tubing and the following halo of flies tell us the Thief is arriving at the T-junction. He turns left this time, away from the King's turret, and over, up and into the other turret, with the big female-shaped



windows.

Cut to the inside of the big glowing sunlit windows, and we see Princess YumYum taking a bubble bath. A full-length mirror reflects her so that it almost appears there are two princesses bathing. She is extremely voluptuous, playing with the beautiful big bubbles. We hear the sound of the flies with an echo.

The camera swings right, and on the floor there is a kind of shower basin grill and tne flies rise through it, followed by the Thiefls fingers. He eases the grill loose and up comes his head - the grill sitting on top. He carefully puts the grill down and works himself out of the drain. He is fascinated by the lavender bubbles, which are floating everywhere, shimmering and reflecting his distorted eyes and face in every quivering bubble. Mesmerised, he watches them disappear naturally and he pops others with his finger. Hugging the floor he crawls across the tiles seeking the source of these wondrous things.

Then he sees the beauteous head, shoulders and back of the bathing princess. But it is not the princess who has rivetted his attention - it is the glittering jewel-encrusted ivory backscratcher with which she is scratching her beautiful leg and flicking bubbles around.

She scratches her back with it. sexy with the double image in the mirror. for the jewel-encrusted backscratcher.

This is all very sexy, doubly But the Thief only has eyes

He works his way just below YumYumls eye level, alongside the tub and around to her back, and gracefully slides the backscratcher out of her hand. He ducks as she turns around and starts fishing in the water for the lost backscratcher.

She has been humming, seemingly in harmony with her echo in a kind of round, which we only now realise is impossible for one person alone to do. The Thief now notices that although YumYum has stopped, the mirror-image is still humming and scratching its back with an identical backscratcher. The Thief, flat on his belly, puts his hand up to the mirror, finds there is no mirror there at all, reaches through where the mirror ought to be and swipes the other backscratcher.

23.

Princess MeeMee:



BUT WHERE IS MY BACKSCRA TCHER, YUMYUM? WHERE IS MY BACKSCRATCHER, MEEMEE? PERCHANCE WITHIN THE WATER?

Princess YumYum:

We see the backs of the two tubs, which almost touch each other, as the Princesses in profile talk and fish around in the water

for thei r backscratchers.

The Thief is on the floor between the two tubs and is making his escape, commando-style.

Princess MeeMee:

MY SISTER, WHAT FOUL ODOUR IS HERE?

Princess YumYum:

MAYHAP THE PIPES ARE BACKED UP. (sniffing the air with distaste)

Cut to the Thief, still on his stomach, backing towards the

door-cu rta in.

As he works his way, his sleeves cover over his real

hands so that the little fork-like hands on the backscratchers appear to be his own tiny hands.

Princess MeeMee:

(looking at herself in her tiny hand-mirror) MA YHAP SOMETH ING DIED

Cut to the little backscratcher hands, disappearing under the safety of the door curtaining.

SEQ.3.1.

Cut to a large close-up of ZigZag IS head. It is distorted. POP! - it disappears. Pull out to show other reflections of ZigZag in deeper darker-colour bubbles. Pull further back and we see we are in ZigZag's bath chamber. He is in the tub (black and vultureshaped with talons for legs) surrounded by dark purplish bubbleswhich reflect the personality of the bather.

Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle rush around him, administering to his needs as before.

Goblet:


EMINENCE.

Gopher:


EMINENCE.

Tickle:


(pouring oil into bath)

YOUR GRACE.

AHAHAHA!

Slap:


(scrubbing ZigZag's back)

OH, SIR SIR.

WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS.

24.


Goblet:

(testing the water) MMMMM

Gopher:

SIRE.


ZigZag:

GOBLET!


Goblet hands ZigZag a goblet of wine.

He drinks.

Goblet:

A VOTRE SERVICE, YOUR GRACE.

Gopher:

INDEED.


Slap:

OH, SIR SIR.

SIR SIR SIR SIR.

Tickle:


AHAHAHA!

ZigZag:


PRINCESS YUMYUM SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH THIS COBBLER AND HIS LOT. . .

Goblet:


VERY.

Gopher:


OH, VERY.

Slap:


YES.

TRUE.


TRUE!

Tickle:


YES.

AH, YES.

YES, INDEED.

ZigZag:


TWICE TODAY SHE'S SAVED HIS BACON. INTERESTING, IS IT NOT? OH, VERY.

Gopher:


Goblet:

OH, WISE ONE.

Slap:

ER, YEH, YEH.



I COULDNIT AGREE MORE.

Tickle:


ENORMOUSLY.

ZigZag:


IT IS NOT! (Chucks goblet away) IT IS NOT INTERESTING AT ALL!

Goblet:


(catching goblet) NOT AT ALL.

Slap:


AHAHAHA! SEE THAT?

QU ITE RIGHT. AHAHAHA!

WHY DIDN'T WE

Tickle:


AHAHAHA!

As ZigZag rises from the tub, he steps into a bath-sheet held by Slap and Tickle, and accepts another goblet of wine from Goblet. Slap goes for ZigZag's robe. Tickle brings his curling iron and begins to dress ZigZag's beard. Gopher slides a chair under ZigZag as he sits down.

25.

Gopher:


(placing chair) EMINENCE.

Goblet:


(handing him fresh goblet) EMINENCE.

Tickle:


(curling beard) THERE WE ARE.

CHARMING.

Slap:

(drying feet) (grunt) THERE WE ARE. YOUR LORDSHIP.



N ICE AND COMFY THAT I EH?

Goblet:


ZigZag has spotted a fly, which is buzzing around his head.

ZigZag:


HE'S NOTHING BUT A PEST, A FLY IN MY ARISTOCRATIC SOUP.

Goblet:


MMMMMMM.

ZigZag:


BEFORE ANOTHER DAY GOES BY . . .

He pulls out his cigar-like stick, flicks it, and it is a telescopic self-ejecting fly-swatter.

ZigZag:

... I'LL SWAT THE BUZZING NINCOMPOOP! (on SWAT, ZigZag swats the fly)

Tickle gives out a startled yell.

Goblet:


WELL DONE.

Slap:


GOOD SHOT, SIR!

Gopher:


OH, I SAY!

Tickle:


OH AHAHAHA!

BRILLIANT AHAHAHA!

ZigZag IS flyswatter retracts

Snap!


SEQ. 3.2.

Cut to the Cobbler sitting over alone in intently working on the Princess' white slipper. an attractive gold pattern around the edge.

front of the window, He is embroidering

We hear the sound of flies, growing louder and louder, punctuated by the odd sandal creak. The Thief appears. Looking everywhere but behind him, he backs down some steps toward the Cobbler who also has his back to the Thief. Without sl ipping, the Thief backs gingerly down the steps, across the room, right up to

26.

the Cobbler's back. The Cobbler lifts his head in the air I sniffing in distaste and BAM! - they touch. Back to back they grab at each other. They are in a reverse embrace similar to their first meeting in the CobblerJs shop. There are several short, sharp grapplings and clinches, then the Cobbler bends down very fast and the Thief somersaults over him, landing sitting down straight in front of the Cobbler. They both recoil in recognition.



Suddenly the Thief sees and grabs the embroidered slipper and runs out with it. The Cobbler after a moment of addled confusion tears off after him.

They run and skid across slippery tile floors around corners, along walls, in and out of doors, around columns and past mirrors. They go into the Kingls chamber and the Thief hides behind the palanquin. The Cobbler leaps through the palanquin to get him, crashing into the King and the Maiden within. The King pokes his head out in amazement, then the Maiden's feet encircle his neck and pull him back into the curtains.

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