|I recommend watching at least two episodes of Family Guy [on Fox
TV] before reading this story.
Quagmire is piloting but feels weak. While landing the plane he
says on intercom "Sorry folks, we're landing at Indianapolis. You'll
have to settle for this and not bluesy Chicago." Angry debarking
passengers toss laptops at him.
A doc tells him he has a blood condition and needs a transfusion
and the only creature that has his blood type is Przewalski's Horse
[discovered by a russian].
The dog Brian is watching tv on the couch and sees a Nova special on
early spaceflight, and falls in love with cosmodog Laika. He goes to the
airport and is told at the counter that a dog cannot fly by himself. So
using his superior dog nose he sniffs out the air marshal by the cordite
smell and talks to him about the man's childhood dogs. He breaks down with
nostalgia and cries and insists that Brian accompany him. Brian is pleased
and assumes persona of a drug sniffing dog.
Quagmire nervously haunts the zoo, and at nightfall shoots a P
horse with a shotgun, the animal staggers about gushing blood and is
taken away by vets. Q scoops up the bloody sand into buckets and goes
Peter walks into the kitchen.
Peter: Hi, honey. Whatcha bakin'?
Lois: I'm baking a ton of cookies for the school bake sale. It will benefit
kids with MS.
Peter, shocked: Lois! That's a terrible idea. Everyone knows that Monkey
Scrotum is not a life-threatening disease. And besides you'll give all
those kids diabetes. [he steals some cookies] This is a worse decision
than when my boss, who happened to be the police chief of New Orleans,
specified that all his cops would carry only flamethrowers.
[clip- a closeup of a sign that reads 'Bourbon St.' Then a smash and grab,
and the perp runs down the street.
Peter: Stop or I'll shoot! [no response. Peter opens fire literally and
since the pedestrians are carrying to-go cups of alcohol, the people and
cars erupt in flames] I guess I'll check the mail. [at the front door]
Incarceration magazine? Who ordered this? 'Mashed potatoes- the lowdown.'
'New trends in client uniforms.' 'Oklahoma's pen pal website.' 'Conjugal
sex in a trailer- is it just a fantasy?' What the hell is this crap? Lois,
cancel this subscription!
Quagmire hires a bunch of sicilians who worked at a vineyard to
trample the sand and squeeze out the blood. Then he tries to pay them
with vhs tapes of his favorite kind, nudge nudge. They vehemently
demand money so he gets lira from Thomas Cook.
Brian arrives in Moscow but is dehydrated due to the airplane
air. A clerk offers a doggie bowl. He drinks it all, but is unaware
that in Russia dogs drink vodka. Drunk, he ambles down the street to
St. Basil's. He lifts one leg and urinates on the wall like Ozzy at
the Alamo. He is arrested and incarcerated. His one phone call is to
the baby Stewie. He then asks for the English edition of Incarceration
magazine. Guards ask him to stand on his hind legs and bark. Rolling
his eyes skyward, he complies.
Stewie prepares a box with lots of Spam and Dasani water and
Twinkies. He labels it and climbs in and tapes it shut from the
inside. Lois discovers it and takes it and the magazine to the post
Quagmire has separated the blood and injected it, but unlike in
the horse where it makes them small, it has the opposite effect on
him. He grows two feet taller but is feeling healthy. Bashing his head
on lintels, he invents the Head Bumper, like the five mile per hour
bumper on a car. He makes half a million soon and funds a new herd of
P horses in Mongolia. But the lecher is disturbed by his new tendency
to glance furtively at horses' rears.
Stewie convinces the russians that Brian was victim of a cultural
misunderstanding, and the dog is released. They buy fur hats and
sightsee. They overhear a discussion about starting a new cold war.
Brian acts like a dog, wagging his tail and panting and follows them
into the Kremlin. When he has heard enough he chases after a car.
Two Faberge eggs are scheduled to be displayed in New York soon,
and russian patriots are going to steal them and blame americans.
Outside the museum, Stewie and Brian calculate since no dogs or
unaccompanied babies are allowed in. Brian lures away a seeing eye dog
with a fragment of hot dog that he found, and Stewie unharnesses him
and puts it on Brian. Brian leads the blind guy into the display.
Stewie creates a disturbance as a distraction, on the steps
screaming "My diaper is all wet. And poopy. Do you hear me I created a
Brian quickly swallows the 2 eggs and runs out.
On the bus to D.C. this conversation occurs:
Stewie: Brian, I think one of my 'boys' is hanging lower than the
Brian: That's ridiculous! Your 'boys' are not going to descend for
another ten years. Hasn't Peter taught you anything?
There is a minute of awkward silence.
S: Why is there a crime called sodomy, after the city of Sodom, and no
crime named after the city of Gomorrah? I'm pretty sure there was a
city named Gomorrah. Is there a crime named after the city of Gomorrah, Brian?
B: I don't know.
S: What is sodomy, Brian? Is it when you drive your car all over your
neighbor's lawn and tear up the sod with your tires? Is that what it
is, Brian? Hello! Baby here! Brian!
B: Shut up, Stewie, will you shut the hell up?
They go to the White House and talk to the V P. "Where is the duo
now?" he asks. "Well, ah, they're in my, ah, duo-denum" says Brian,
embarrassed. "But tomorrow you will have them, and then you can
explain to the russian president that there was an unauthorized plot."
"Lois thinks I am going to start world war 3, not prevent it," observes
Stewie wryly. "She could be wrong."
In the Marriott Brian spreads out newspaper in his room and squats on
it. "Reminds me of when I was 3 months old. This is how Peter trained me."
Stew retorts "You do-do? I thought you were born with a martini in your
hand. After all, you hefted a prodigious TWO when we appeared onstage with
Frank Sinatra Junior. When you sang 'Fly me to the Moon' it was obvious
that you were already there."
The next day the V P talks to the russian president and clears
the confusion, and the dog, wearing a tux, and baby get medals in the