I recommend watching at least two episodes of Family Guy [on Fox



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I recommend watching at least two episodes of Family Guy [on Fox

TV] before reading this story.


Quagmire is piloting but feels weak. While landing the plane he

says on intercom "Sorry folks, we're landing at Indianapolis. You'll

have to settle for this and not bluesy Chicago." Angry debarking

passengers toss laptops at him.


A doc tells him he has a blood condition and needs a transfusion

and the only creature that has his blood type is Przewalski's Horse

[discovered by a russian].

The dog Brian is watching tv on the couch and sees a Nova special on

early spaceflight, and falls in love with cosmodog Laika. He goes to the

airport and is told at the counter that a dog cannot fly by himself. So

using his superior dog nose he sniffs out the air marshal by the cordite

smell and talks to him about the man's childhood dogs. He breaks down with

nostalgia and cries and insists that Brian accompany him. Brian is pleased

and assumes persona of a drug sniffing dog.

Quagmire nervously haunts the zoo, and at nightfall shoots a P

horse with a shotgun, the animal staggers about gushing blood and is

taken away by vets. Q scoops up the bloody sand into buckets and goes

home.


Peter walks into the kitchen.

Peter: Hi, honey. Whatcha bakin'?

Lois: I'm baking a ton of cookies for the school bake sale. It will benefit

kids with MS.

Peter, shocked: Lois! That's a terrible idea. Everyone knows that Monkey

Scrotum is not a life-threatening disease. And besides you'll give all

those kids diabetes. [he steals some cookies] This is a worse decision

than when my boss, who happened to be the police chief of New Orleans,

specified that all his cops would carry only flamethrowers.

[clip- a closeup of a sign that reads 'Bourbon St.' Then a smash and grab,

and the perp runs down the street.

Peter: Stop or I'll shoot! [no response. Peter opens fire literally and

since the pedestrians are carrying to-go cups of alcohol, the people and

cars erupt in flames] I guess I'll check the mail. [at the front door]



Incarceration magazine? Who ordered this? 'Mashed potatoes- the lowdown.'

'New trends in client uniforms.' 'Oklahoma's pen pal website.' 'Conjugal

sex in a trailer- is it just a fantasy?' What the hell is this crap? Lois,

cancel this subscription!


Quagmire hires a bunch of sicilians who worked at a vineyard to

trample the sand and squeeze out the blood. Then he tries to pay them

with vhs tapes of his favorite kind, nudge nudge. They vehemently

demand money so he gets lira from Thomas Cook.

Brian arrives in Moscow but is dehydrated due to the airplane

air. A clerk offers a doggie bowl. He drinks it all, but is unaware

that in Russia dogs drink vodka. Drunk, he ambles down the street to

St. Basil's. He lifts one leg and urinates on the wall like Ozzy at

the Alamo. He is arrested and incarcerated. His one phone call is to

the baby Stewie. He then asks for the English edition of Incarceration

magazine. Guards ask him to stand on his hind legs and bark. Rolling

his eyes skyward, he complies.


Stewie prepares a box with lots of Spam and Dasani water and

Twinkies. He labels it and climbs in and tapes it shut from the

inside. Lois discovers it and takes it and the magazine to the post

office.


Quagmire has separated the blood and injected it, but unlike in

the horse where it makes them small, it has the opposite effect on

him. He grows two feet taller but is feeling healthy. Bashing his head

on lintels, he invents the Head Bumper, like the five mile per hour

bumper on a car. He makes half a million soon and funds a new herd of

P horses in Mongolia. But the lecher is disturbed by his new tendency

to glance furtively at horses' rears.

Stewie convinces the russians that Brian was victim of a cultural

misunderstanding, and the dog is released. They buy fur hats and

sightsee. They overhear a discussion about starting a new cold war.

Brian acts like a dog, wagging his tail and panting and follows them

into the Kremlin. When he has heard enough he chases after a car.

Two Faberge eggs are scheduled to be displayed in New York soon,

and russian patriots are going to steal them and blame americans.


Outside the museum, Stewie and Brian calculate since no dogs or

unaccompanied babies are allowed in. Brian lures away a seeing eye dog

with a fragment of hot dog that he found, and Stewie unharnesses him

and puts it on Brian. Brian leads the blind guy into the display.

Stewie creates a disturbance as a distraction, on the steps

screaming "My diaper is all wet. And poopy. Do you hear me I created a

FUDGIE!"

Brian quickly swallows the 2 eggs and runs out.

On the bus to D.C. this conversation occurs:
Stewie: Brian, I think one of my 'boys' is hanging lower than the

other.


Brian: That's ridiculous! Your 'boys' are not going to descend for

another ten years. Hasn't Peter taught you anything?

There is a minute of awkward silence.

S: Why is there a crime called sodomy, after the city of Sodom, and no

crime named after the city of Gomorrah? I'm pretty sure there was a

city named Gomorrah. Is there a crime named after the city of Gomorrah, Brian?

B: I don't know.

S: What is sodomy, Brian? Is it when you drive your car all over your

neighbor's lawn and tear up the sod with your tires? Is that what it

is, Brian? Hello! Baby here! Brian!

B: Shut up, Stewie, will you shut the hell up?
They go to the White House and talk to the V P. "Where is the duo

now?" he asks. "Well, ah, they're in my, ah, duo-denum" says Brian,

embarrassed. "But tomorrow you will have them, and then you can

explain to the russian president that there was an unauthorized plot."

"Lois thinks I am going to start world war 3, not prevent it," observes

Stewie wryly. "She could be wrong."

In the Marriott Brian spreads out newspaper in his room and squats on

it. "Reminds me of when I was 3 months old. This is how Peter trained me."

Stew retorts "You do-do? I thought you were born with a martini in your

hand. After all, you hefted a prodigious TWO when we appeared onstage with

Frank Sinatra Junior. When you sang 'Fly me to the Moon' it was obvious

that you were already there."

The next day the V P talks to the russian president and clears

the confusion, and the dog, wearing a tux, and baby get medals in the



Rose Garden.


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