you know, Betty and I got married on
the rim of the crater, Diamond Head.
This year, we're dedicating our first
dance to the soon-to-be newlyweds, the
King and Queen of Hawaii, Maggie and
The couple enters. Bob is a goody bronzed god in his King
Kamahamela outfit. Maggie is spectacular in her authentic
looking Hawaiian Princess get-up. But her face reflects none
of the festivities around her. Every now and then, she looks up
and glances around for Ike, hating herself for it.
MRS. TROUT (cont'd)
King and Queen, dance.
Maggie and Bob start to dance as the Quarter sings "Aloha Oe."
MRS. TROUT (cont'd)
Maggie and Bob pose for pictures with some of the guests.
Pictures of the King and Queen.
Dennis poses with Maggie. Cory poses with Bob. Mrs. Trout runs
out of film and goes to get more, leaving Peggy and Maggie alone.
Peggy whispers to Maggie.
Lighten up, wahine.
Lighten up, what?
This party is for you and Bob. Get
your mind off the reporter.
I haven't seen him in twenty-four hours.
It just gives me the creeps a little bit.
I'd feel better if I knew where he was.
(nods to door)
ANGLE ON: Ike just entering the party. At least he tried.
He's got a tropical sheet wrapped around his pants and shirt.
He walks to the bar and is greeted warmly by Lee. Maggie gets
What are you doing?
(after a beat)
I'm going to go dance with Bob.
Because he's the man.
(referring to her headdress)
I like those grapes.
Maggie dances affectionately with Bob as Mr. Trout, tending
bar, greets Ike.
Hey, Mr. Graham, welcome to our luau.
What can I get you?
You got something without a toy in it?
A LITTLE LATER - CLOSE ON
A pair of expressive pantomime "A Little Grass Shack".
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
Mrs. Trout is on stage, introducing hula contestants. Grandma
judges the Hawaiian dancing. The party is at full tilt -- a
little wild, a little goofy. Some guests (Bob, Cindy, Cory, Lee
and Ted) do the limbo. Walter, Mrs. Pressman doesn't turn as
she hears him.
Aloha. That's a very fetching
headdress you're wearing.
Ike leans into Maggie, enjoying the smell of her hair. She
notices, but acts casual.
Where did you disappear to?
Missed me bad, huh?
All the guests start banding their pineapple cups. Walter rises
unsteadily, lifting his pineapple.
Attention. Listen to Walter. Listen
close, he slurs.
Shut up, wahines!
In the tradition that has grown through
the years, it is now Toast Time! First
up, our host, "A Honey of a Beekeeper",
Lou Trout stands with his glass raised.
May the groom's heart be filled with
hopes and the bride's feet be filled
There are shouts of "Hear hear!" Walter roars.
May the pitter-patter of little feet
not be Maggie's.
May the gifts be returned!
May the back of the dress be as pretty
as the front!
The laughter swells and swells, led by Walter.
Ike watches as Maggie takes the heat, raising her glass along
with the others. Bob raises his glass like the good sport he is.
Ike can't believe it.
You know the old saying, "You're not
losing a daughter..." Well, I'd like to!
Walter gets a bit laugh. He goes again.
Maggie may not be Hale's longest
(under her breath)
Maggie finishes the punchline along with his father.
WALTER AND MAGGIE
-- But she's certainly the fastest.
Uproarious laughter. Maggie looks terribly pained. Ike's had
enough. He pushes himself to his feet. Walter is thrilled. He
shushes the CROWD.
Oh, look, Mr. Graham, how about a toast?
I don't know, give me a minute.
Are you all right with this?
Are you all right with this? You think
this is funny?
I don't and I don't think you should...
It's a joke. They're kidding.
WALTER AND CROWD
Come on and give us a toast.
You want me to make a toast? Okay...
I'll give you a toast. To Maggie's
family and friends. May you find
yourselves the bull's eye of an easy
target. May you be publicly flogged
for all of your bad choices and may
your noses to rubbed in all of your
Ike watches their reaction. The silence is deafening. All the
guests stare at Maggie. Mortified, she holds back tears.
That was funny.
But enough toasts, let's hula. Let's
start the music up.
She gets everyone up to hula. Band plays fast tune. Maggie
walks through the CROWD down the steps and outside. Ike
follows, but Peggy grabs a coat for her. Bob watches her go as
Hey, Bob. I got twenty dollars bet on--
Bob rushes after Maggie.
(calling after her)
(to Ike, handing him a jacket)
Here. She may need this. It's not
Ike exits. Then, Bob comes over.
Where'd Maggie go?
Oh, she just went to get me something
from the car.
Cory comes over with Dennis to Bob and Peggy. BOB/PEGGY/CORY/
DENNIS CHUFFA: About Bart Starr and football. (Which keeps Bob
from going outside to follow Maggie). Bob thinks about it.
EXT. TROUT'S BARN - NIGHT
Ike runs after Maggie. He grabs her arm and turns her to him.
I'm the only goddamn person in there
pulling for you.
You humiliated me!
No, Maggie, I defended you.
Humiliating you is what everyone else
is doing. It's the theme of this party.
I had it under control. Now they feel
sorry for me.
Well, they should. Because they're
about to watch you hang yourself again.
Maggie has no response.
-- Tell me something, do you really
care about Mount Everest?
It's fun! It's high.
Or the sexual habits of locusts?
That was very interesting research
George was doing!
What kind of Dead Head gets a temporary
I already explained about that.
And where you ever really going to run
the leper colony in Molokai?
Brian told you that?
Or maybe you just wanted to wear the
Every one of those times I was being
supportive. Something you won't
Supportive? You weren't being
supportive. You were being scared.
Just like now. You are the most lost
woman I have ever laid eyes on.
That's right. You're so lost you don't
even know how you like your eggs.
With the priest, you liked them
scrambled. With the Dead Head, fried.
With the bug guy, poached. Now it's
egg whites only, thank you very much.
That's called changing your mind.
No, that's called not having a mind of
your own. What are you doing, Maggie?
You really want to let that man drag
you up Annapuma on your honeymoon? You
don't want to climb Annapuma.
Yes I do!
No you don't. You want a man who will
lead you down the beach with his head
over your eyes just so you can discover
the feel of the sand under your feet.
You want a guy who will take you into a
cave with a thousand candles just to
read you a poem. You want a man to
wake you up at dawn because he's
burning to talk to you and he can't
wait another minute to find out what
you'll say. Am I right?
He's laid her flat. Maggie can't speak.
Am I right?
She fights back angry tears.
Stop. Stop it! I'm getting married on
Sunday, and you're just trying to make
me run! Why? Because you're a cynical,
exploitative, mean-hearted creep who
wouldn't know real love if it bit him
in the armpit! And all you do is tear
other people down and-and-and laugh at
them, and criticize what they do,
because you're too afraid to do
anything yourself! I read your column.
You never wrote one about you. I'm not
the only one who's lost and you know it!
Am I right? Well? Am I right?
ANGLE ON: Bob comes outside.
Mag. Help me out here. Green Bay.
Both Maggie and Ike are breathing hard. Bob comes up to Maggie
and gives Ike a very hard look as he puts his arm around his
You know... Blocked Bart Starr, crewcut
... Are you okay?
Maggie adjusts her face as best she can.
Let me take you back inside, okay?
She lets him lead her away.
Ike looks at her drooped shoulder and he shakes his head and
walks to his car.
EXT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - THE NEXT DAY
Peggy and Cindy arrive for the rehearsal. They leave Cindy's
dog in Peggy's car and walk to the church.
Tell me, why does Maggie need another
wedding rehearsal and two days before
the wedding? She's already done this.
Bob is making her visualize the
INT. HALE METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT
They are in the church proper now. Peggy waits in a pew as Bob
leads Maggie and Ike up the back steps of the church.
Okay, we're ready. Want me to have Ike
Maggie turns on Ike with "cheerful" hostility.
No. No -- Actually, let's make Ike the
I'd rather not.
Come on, it'll give you a great view.
Maggie smiles at Bob. Ike sighs and goes with it. Bob pulls Ike
to the head of the aisle and places him. Peggy follows Maggie
into the foyer to get ready. Cindy sits with Ted at the organ.
Team effort, Pastor Ike... Cindy, ready?
(after no response)
Cindy, come on.
Cindy leaves to join the girls in the foyer.
INT. CHURCH FOYER - THAT MOMENT
Once in the privacy of the foyer, Peggy and Maggie talk.
He's going to be the pastor?
Yep. I want him to be front and center
and to watch everything.
What happened at the luau?
... I don't even want to talk about
(then seeing a hanging rope)
It's for the bell.
Cindy joins them.
Bob's in a hurry.
Don't be nervous, Maggie. Let us
visualize. Remember what Bob said?
"Be the ball."
"Sink the putt."
"Make the shot."
"Nothing but net."
"Never say die."
Maggie puts her hands up.
Peggy and Cindy exit. Maggie pulls the bell rope and sways back
and forth as she rings the bell.
INT. CHAPEL - THAT MOMENT
It is Maggie's turn to enter. They all turn expectantly. Too
much time passes. Ted plays the organ, then stops. Maggie
swings back and forth in the foyer doorway.
Honey, are you okay?
Maggie stops ringing the bell and pulls herself together. She
walks into the aisle looking a little shaky. She takes a few
tremulous steps slowly with her eyes closed, peeking
occasionally with one eye.
(taking off his jacket)
At this pace, it could be an evening
Hold it! Hold it! I think we're
taking this too fast.
He begins to pace.
We need to limber you up a little.
(thinks a moment;
to Ike, moving him
to groom's spot)
You stand here and be me so she knows
how far she'll have to go.
(then to Maggie)
I'm going to walk with you.
Bob goes to Maggie and walks behind her.
Visualize! Visualize! It's game time.
You are the football. You're spiraling
through the air towards the hands of
She proceeds down the aisle. Bob behind her.
Yes, I'm spiraling through the air.
Maggie raises her eyes and sees Ike in front of her as groom.
Ike and Maggie lock gazes. If they had to, they couldn't look
away. All the things unspoken are now communicated -- the love,
I streak towards the goal line.
Maggie's pace quickens.
And I land on the goal line.
Bob beams to see Maggie's eager arrival at Ike's side. He
switches off the music and proceeds like a proud coach to be the
Okay, I'm the pastor. Dearly beloved,
blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth.
Ra ta ta ta. Yabada dabada. I now
pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the
bride, badum dum.
(then moving toward Ted)
We have the crescendo that leads to us
right back down the aisle and out the...
Ike kisses Maggie. It is a world class, Olympic kiss. It is a
kiss that changes everything and can never be taken back. It is
a kiss you only get once in your life.
Bob's smile dies. Cindy's mouth drops open as the kiss goes on
and on. Peggy loses control and screams.
Like a bucket of water thrown on two dogs, Ike and Maggie are
startled out of their kiss. They pull apart and smile at each
ANGLE ON: Bob.
If you were imagining me, you did great.
What the hell were you doing?
(eyes on Maggie)
I'm sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.
(dazed but happy)
I kissed him back.
Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me
how long this has been going on?
Maggie looks at Ike, wondrous, confused.
About a minute...?
A little longer for me.
What do you expect me to say to this?
How about -- "I hope you'll be very
Bob hauls back and punches Ike in the face. Ike drops.
I hope you'll be very happy together.
Bob storms down the aisle and out of the church.
Take care of him.
EXT. CHURCH - THAT MOMENT
Bob is halfway down the walk. Maggie appears at the church door
and calls after him.
Bob, I'm sorry!
(half to herself)
At least I backed out before the
wedding. That's progress!
He keeps marching. Now Peggy appears next to Maggie. Maggie
Some woman is going to make you a lot
happier than I ever could...
The words are barely out of her mouth when Cindy comes out the
door, racing after Bob at a full sprint.
Well, Maggie -- in the words of Mrs.
Pressman: "Holy moly". Call me later.
Peggy goes to her car. Cindy joins her as Bob speeds off in his
car. Now Ike takes Peggy's place next to Maggie. Maggie turns
to face Ike. They are both beet red, stammering and unable to
look at each other, trying to act normal.
Okay. So... what, uh... What just
happened? Just now? Jus then? In
I don't know. I, uh -- I frankly don't
even want to talk about it.
Ike GRABS Maggie and BOOM -- they are all over each other,
kissing frantically, tongues, hands, hair, elbow, you name it.
I love you. I love you.
I love you, too.
They come up for air.
Wait. We have to talk. We have to do
some talking now. Pull up a railing.
Maggie sits on the railing, then Ike backs up and sits on the
You have to go down an aisle and say "I
do". You have to get married.
To who? Are you asking me?
Ike backs up to opposite railing and sits facing Maggie.
Well, you do have the dress.
And the church.
And the wedding date. There's the two
So, you think... maybe... You have to
go down the aisle with somebody you
love and who love you back.
I'm okay with that.
So am I.
They both nod and sit there smiling, sort of. The organist, Ted,
closes the church door.
Ike pulls his tape recorder out of his pocket and quietly speaks
I'm getting married.
They smile at each other and remain sitting. Then, silence.
EXT. STREET/HALE/ATLANTIC HOTEL - THAT NIGHT
Ike drives up and parks in front of the hotel as he talks on his
INT. FISHER AND ELLIE'S BEDROOM (NYC) - NIGHT
Ellie's on the phone. Fisher sits nearby.
Ike's going to get married.
Fisher throws himself onto the carpet and rolls himself
helpless with laughter.
(without turning to him)
Fisher, if you pee on that Persian,
I'll kill you.
INT. BEAUTY SALON - NIGHT DAY
Maggie talks to Peggy, Cindy and Grandma Julia. Grandma Julia
sits under a hair dryer. Sprout, the dog, sits in his basket.
I love his eyes. I just believe
they're listening to you.
His hair... any color.
I like his tight butt.
See, this is a mature relationship.
She's really found it.
LOVE MONTAGE SHOTS:
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
Ike and Maggie fishing.
INT. MAGGIE'S WORKSHOP/HOME - DAY
They play ping-pong. They laugh, enjoying the moment.
INT. MAGGIE'S HOUSE - DAY
Ike and Maggie have fun playing cards. The game is slapjack.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
Maggie and Ike horseback riding. They sit on their horses
amongst trees, "nuzzling". Ike reads as he pushes Maggie in a
INT. MAGGIE'S ROOM - DAY
Ike and Maggie open and close a Hoberman ball by holding its
opposite ends in their teeth. Grandma looks in.
INT. MAGGIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
There is a fire in the fireplace. Maggie and Ike sit as Ike
shows Maggie some passages from his favorite books. He's
reading something from Yeats at the moment. They seem happy.
EXT. CHURCH - THE DAY OF THE WEDDING
It is a media circus including FOUR REPORTERS, Midday with
Meredith and the T-shirt Vendor. Plus three other people the
reporters are interviewing, a GERMAN LADY, BUTCH KENAN, a
farmer and Grandma Julia. Reporter DINA NAPOLI walks down the
DINA NAPOLI (OF WBAL)
Wedding bells are ringing for the
fourth time today in Hale, Maryland.
Maggie Carpenter, "Always a Bride --
Never a Bridesmaid", will be attempting
to complete her fourth wedding ceremony.
We'll come back on the air when the
results are in. Back to you, Jessica.
Meredith, the low-end public access TV reporter, films himself
pointing a cheap video camera himself.
The turnout for this morning's wedding
is usually reserved for royalty or
Hollywood stars, but Maggie Carpenter
is Hale, Maryland's special star and
the citizens of Hale are out in full
The NY T-shirt Vendor pitches his wares.
I got "Bye-bye Birdie". "What part of
'I do' don't you understand?"... Get
your "Runaway Bride" T-shirts here...
Reporter JULIE MURPHY stands near Grandma Julia and Mrs.
JULIE MURPHY (Channel 6)
The bride's been here for almost an
hour, but being around in the beginning
was never her problem. We'll be here,
showing you the full wedding ceremony,
Reporter JACKI and TIFFANY stand at the edge of the CROWD
JACKI/REPORTER #3 (WBOC TV16)
Will she or won't she? That is on the
minds of these several hundreds folks,
who are standing here this morning.
Not to mention on the mind of Groom
Number #4, ex-USA Today columnist, Ike
Graham, who is missing in action.
EXT. WINDOW OF CHURCH/INT. SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM - DAY
INSERT window of church. Peggy peers out the window at the