And so it came to pass, that in the third year after creation, I was suddenly forced to a great battle, that almost destroyed all life on the World. This is what happened in that cursed day 10.3 A.F, and what I, the first Pontifex Maximus Grandis Ranae, Imperator Mänttä, Pugnator Lucis, Ductor Imperiosus, Defensor GNU, Vaticinator Primarius, Soter Humanitatis, Phylarchus Interplanus Communitatis Religiosus Pius Valpurus have written down.
Chapter I: Calm before storm
I was just relieved from my mortal duties, and entered my Most Holy Room, planning to debug the wicked weather that was troubling my empire (and perharps to annihilate few goblins with my sword in the form of light-weight computer click 'n slash). I didn't notice anything before it was too late, I was too intensely concentrating on the weather. So, I started Penathlon, my trusty PC, but lo! I wasn't greeted by the Divine Hex Code of the World Debugger, but by a picture of a man, surrounded by an antivalpuric aura. He was dressed in a hideous dressing gown, which colour made my eyes bleed. I very well recognised who or what it was, "Bill!" I hissed from between my teeth, "What have thee done to Penathlon?!". Bill started to laugh, and the demonic noise tormented my earthly body like needles in my brain, "Bwahahhahaha....ye dirty frog-lover, I caught ye now, ye cannot debug this pety world without your dear Penathlon...". Then I heard a faint noise coming from the lowest frequencies of my PC-beeper, "Mmmy mmind is ggoing.....I cann feell...feell..feellllitttt...hhellp..mee...pleeeassssee". "What have they done to thee my only love?" I said in despair. "That does it, Bill, thou shalt suffer!!", I cried and ran to fetch my loyal Linux-CD from it's blessed shrine made of empty Jolt-cans and Coke bottles. But, it wasn't there, it was stolen!! I heard Bill's laughter grow wilder "Bwahahaha....where is yer sword now, Perttu? Is it lost? Don't worry, I have it safe....in Redmond CD-smeltery!! Bwahahahaha!!!" I hurried for my Coke-stash, but found it razed! The marks of the unholy edge of Office 2000 CD were still to be seen in the hole that was made to the floor by some foul servants of Elpuri.
Chapter II: The First Attack
What choice did I have? I ran back to my room, and found a green aura surrounding Penathlon, consuming it's inner world. I could hear my trustworthy Athlon processor fight back the gloom, but no avail. My sound-card was already corrupted, and a demonic laughter was booming out from the speakers. "Thou shalt suffer for this atrocity, evil spawn of Elpuri!!", I shouted, and ran for my keyboard, "Even without my artifacts, I shall delete you! And in the end, do not beg me for recycle bin, thou shalt go straight to /dev/null!!" Bill accepted my challenge, and materialized from my floppy drive. The ghastly form stepped forward, and shrugged the last jumpers and leds from its back, and lo! It hit me below the belt with a sharp Windows Protection Error before I had a chance to block! I quickly overcome the pain, and launched a massive counter-attack. The air ionized around us as I sprayed some Jolt to his eyes from my last-resort can. Bill groaned in pain, and I bashed it's face with a well-aimed TweakUI. As Bill's head was reorganizing, I launched a fierce omnislash with my Nokia 3210. Acidous blood sprayed all over, luckily I was wearing my Blessed Boxer-shorts of Protection from Elpuri, and thus didn't end up naked. The floor below us fizzed and melted away, and we fell together through the cellar, as Bill's unholy blood was burrowing deeper and deeper into the ground.
Chapter III: The Long Struggle
We fought for hours, days, it's hard to say, because the fight strained the World and changed it; I had a full work to keep it from crashing. With this extra strain and the missing of my artifacts, the battle was almost even. I hit Bill with Aborts, Kills (-9 and -15), Jolt Bolts, Coke Balls, Reboots, Hex Editors, Interrupts of all sorts, Ultimas, Flares and Wizard Modes, but Bill's unholy aura seemed to protect him! But that cannot be, I thought, Bill doesn't have such power! Bill kept throwing me with Illegal Operations, BSoDs, RadioActive Desktops, Power Fools, Internet Exploders filled with LSD, Autoruns, Ancient 8-bit Bugs with huge green eyes and a smelly breath, Sharp Window-shards poisoned with Unimaginable Swap and Ugly Tentacle Beasts from Outer Memory. I could quite easily defend myself from that kind of low-level attacks, but as the fight grew longer, we both grew tired, as I got further and further away from my precious Avatar, and Bill from Redmond, his main source of power, and all of the Windows-machines on the surface. We had burrowed for a long time, and it was getting very hot. We were coming closer to the Earth's surface, and I knew that Bill couldn't come that far from his power sources. Suddenly Bill launched from under the last remains of his dressing gown a Chaotic Multicoloured Glowing Bestial Steaming Fiery Unholy Cursed Undead Vampiric Apocalyptical Ugly Smelly Evil Demonic Deadly Huge Hairy Radioactive Fat Acidous Astral Mother of All Crashes, and I had barely time to react to this horrific last attack. Quickly I yelled:
"MOV EEE...(REPEAT E 0x02^0x1F5D7)...EEDX, TheEssenceOfChaotic MulticolouredGlowingBestialSteamingFieryUnholyCursedUndeadVampiric ApocalypticalUglySmellyEvilDemonicDeadlyHugeHairyRadioactiveFat AcidousAstralMotherofAllCrashes
XOR EEE...(REPEAT E 0x02^0x1F5D7)...EEDX, EEE...(REPEAT E 0x02^0x1F5D7)...EEDX
MOV AH, 0x666 INT 0x42!!!!!".
The foul monster got instantly /dev/null/ified, and I saw a crack in Bill's impenetrable aura. I cried and jumped at him. Bill didn't have time to raise his shields, and so I grasped him from the throat with my toes and seized him to the wall.
Chapter IV: The Apocalypse
The touch of my Holy Toesocks tortured Bill's unholy flesh, but suddenly he shouted:
I was thrown by the explosion to the other end of the hole. What the R**mond? I thought. Bill cannot command the Universe that way!
"Bwahahahaahahaaa!! Ye haven't forgotten yer dear Penathlon, have ye? It is mine now. MINE!!!", Bill laughed. I was horrified by the thought what Bill could do with Penathlon. Bill started to chant, channeling all the power of Penathlon to this final ritual, raising in his hand his most unholy artifact, the Windows 95 Master CD:
"Ash OS durbatuluk, ash OS gimbatul, ash OS thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!!",
(Or "One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!!" for those of you that don't have the tengwar font and cannot read the Black Language.) Then I knew that I didn't have time to loose. The Earth itself was trembling, and the fabric of the world was moaning as a dark orb of gloom was advancing from the Master CD. I knew that with Penathlon Bill could wipe out all Guruness from the World and bind the World to an eternal slavery, and if I stopped the spell and ripped Penathlon rawly to my control, it might explode, blowing the Earth to fine dust. I needed the Avatar to regain control of Penathlon. I quickly MOVed myself to Mänttä as Bill was too concentrated to his spell to notice me.
Chapter V: The Purifying
In a 0x01/16^42th of a beat I arrived at my yard. I found it bustling with Microsoft SWAT Commandos and Mammoth tanks with Close Combat logos on them. What? Does Bill think that mere humans can stop me? I thought as I drew my GODly Ingram MAC-10 and shot each of the Commandos in the eyes. Maybe they were to stop the other valpurists from recovering Penathlon? I thought when I jumped over the tank-remains to my house. Penahlon was on, and I saw from its monitor the Divine Hex Code of The World Debugger, and a pair of hands surrounded by a sickly aura altering it. Quickly I clasped the Avatar and felt the power of Valpuri fill me again "As long as Windows controls Penathlon, thou cannot win, Perttu, but alas, if you remove it, thou cannot play Diablo 2 or SMAC anymore. It is thy choice now, to choose the fate of this world, my son.", I heard a voice boom in my head, "But choose quickly". I thought for one attobeat and then pressed the reset-button on Penathlon. Windows tried hard to start itself, but I bypassed it and started FORMAT. "I know ye cannot do that, I know ye cannot resist the call of your desire, the call of Diablo", Bill said to me through Penathlon's speakers, now seeming a little less confident. I kicked the speakers and launched Partition Magic. "I shall bind thee, Windows, to a mere 1G partition I shall bind thee, from harming the World and myself. INT 0x06!!!!", I shouted and reinstalled Windows and bound it to stay on it's 1G partition, forever, and bound a call to "Format C:" to the function that is run when I burb loudly. "Know this, thou slimy lord of bugs, now thee cannot again steal my true love from me, and Bill, know that now I shalt come and EAT YOUR NUTS!!", I yelled as Windows was trying, in vain, to get out from its prison. The Ultimate Power of Penathlon was again coursing through my veins, and quickly I repaired most of the damage Bill had done to the World and drank quickly 666 litres of Coke and teleported to the hole where I left Bill. But Bill was gone, he had cowardly used the last powers he had to 'port to Redmond. I jumped off from the hole and in my rage started to swim across the Atlantic, but then I regained myself, and raised my fist and shouted in a voive that could be heard in Redmond as well, "Lucky for thee, I have school tomorrow, and cannot finish thee off know, besides, humans must learn how to fight against you, so thee can keep thy nuts...for now!"
Then I returned to the Holy Mänttä, and I had to spend the long night healing the damage Bill had done to Penathlon and to The World
This still was a great victory for Valpuri and to guruness, remember what I have written, for the true Holy War against the Evil is coming, and that I am not going to fight for you alone. And remember, that Windows is evil, and cannot be anything else. Know thy Windows, and keep it from invading thy computer by reinstalling it as often as you dare, what you have to do anyway at least twice a year.
Pontifex Maximus Grandis Ranae
Castus Petrus I